does MC really "work if you try at it" - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-24-2015, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
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does MC really "work if you try at it"

My biggest question is does MC work? I have been told "It will work if you try at it." and "You'd be surprised the people you know that went through similar problems, and you'd never know it because they worked on their problems /MC"

I know you can't magically answer if it will work specifically for me. It's more a question about if it usually works if you participate in it? I feel like our issues are insurmountable since there never was a time it was right.

Some background info: I came clean about a 1/2 year long A to my wife and when she didn't ask for D, I did. She had no clue anything was wrong in our marriage. I have been unhappy and checked out of the marriage for awhile now and just getting by. I have come to realize that she is not the companion I want to go through life with. She is wonderful mother and makes honest attempts to be a wonderful wife, we just don't click and never really have. I have been convinced to start MC for the children. I broke it off with OW knowing that I couldn't work on marriage if that was still going on. I feel like people telling me to work on our marriage are essentially telling me to take this women I have nothing in common with (other than sharing kids) and make it work. As if the next random stranger you saw, you were told to make a happy lasting forever marriage with.

Does being convinced to do MC, and having serious doubts it will work hinder the whole MC? If it honestly somehow worked and we were to have a happy marriage I would be good with that. However I just have serious doubts that it can really work. If at one point I felt like she was the right companion during our marriage and we just temporarily lost that, I would feel more confident in MC. Honestly she never has been anything more than a women with similar religious beliefs to raise kids with. Outside of raising kids we have nothing in common.

Doesn't help I still think of OW 24/7.

We start MC today. I am a mix of hopeful and a mix of doubtful

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-25-2015, 04:34 AM
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Re: does MC really "work if you try at it"

If you have a good counselor and you really work at it.. yes it works.

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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-28-2015, 07:34 PM
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Re: does MC really "work if you try at it"

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Originally Posted by BlueMed View Post
My biggest question is does MC work? I have been told "It will work if you try at it." and "You'd be surprised the people you know that went through similar problems, and you'd never know it because they worked on their problems /MC"

I know you can't magically answer if it will work specifically for me. It's more a question about if it usually works if you participate in it? I feel like our issues are insurmountable since there never was a time it was right.

Some background info: I came clean about a 1/2 year long A to my wife and when she didn't ask for D, I did. She had no clue anything was wrong in our marriage. I have been unhappy and checked out of the marriage for awhile now and just getting by. I have come to realize that she is not the companion I want to go through life with. She is wonderful mother and makes honest attempts to be a wonderful wife, we just don't click and never really have. I have been convinced to start MC for the children. I broke it off with OW knowing that I couldn't work on marriage if that was still going on. I feel like people telling me to work on our marriage are essentially telling me to take this women I have nothing in common with (other than sharing kids) and make it work. As if the next random stranger you saw, you were told to make a happy lasting forever marriage with.

Does being convinced to do MC, and having serious doubts it will work hinder the whole MC? If it honestly somehow worked and we were to have a happy marriage I would be good with that. However I just have serious doubts that it can really work. If at one point I felt like she was the right companion during our marriage and we just temporarily lost that, I would feel more confident in MC. Honestly she never has been anything more than a women with similar religious beliefs to raise kids with. Outside of raising kids we have nothing in common.

Doesn't help I still think of OW 24/7.

We start MC today. I am a mix of hopeful and a mix of doubtful
First of all you can't do this as long as your emotionally involved with the OW and you don't need to be in contact with her to stay emotionally involved. You need to break away form that and that might just take time.

You have to peel back the layers as to why you feel what you do, why you had the affair, and perhaps consider what is different than before when the marriage was good. Those answers might be downright ugly and cruel to your wife, but you have to confront them and set boundaries on real behavior that can make it work. Therapy is your best shot to do this.

Maybe you are not attracted to your wife because she runs around the house all day every day in her pajamas. Well there you have a boundary to think about.

Maybe she has let her self go physically or emotionally and you need to ask her to to invest in her own passions and appearance.

Perhaps because my own marriage has failed it is perfectly clear to me that long lasting relationships have to be deliberate and take regular work / focus. If you can articulate what it is that you think you need, and she can show progress in it, while also perhaps giving you some things to work on, the path is clear for you to choose to be happy with your life. And I do believe it is a choice and one where your kids ought affect the decision. If you are just looking for an excuse to cut and run and find some excitement, then you are done, and don't waste our time trying to make yourself look better than you are. If she can't meet your boundaries for a the relationship you want, just end it then with a clear conscience.

At the end of the day your happiness is about what you want but it should be fair, healthy, and responsible. If your parents raised you right, doing the right thing by people should be something that makes you happy, fulfilled, and proud of yourself even if it is not as exciting as tossing the secretary on your desk during business hours.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-30-2015, 04:57 PM
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Re: does MC really "work if you try at it"

Saw 3 very different counsellors, 2 through employee program and 1 private from a personal recommend. We still ended up divorced.

I liked our final counsellor (he become my individual one) but my exH didn't. Our final counsellor was gay, not flagrant but my ex held it against him saying he couldn't possibly understand our issues.

So, not successful from the lens of my first marriage, but then I think of counsellors more as facilitators of success for those who truly want it. If either party isn't fully engaged in repairing their marriage, then its quite hopeless no matter how talented a professional is.

Of course, some pros might count the fact my counsellor helped *me* to decide to finally end my zombie marriage as a success. Depends on how you define it.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-05-2015, 04:30 PM
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Re: does MC really "work if you try at it"

can't speak as one who has had a successful experience. I tried to convince my exW to go but she wasn't interested. However, in your case the answer really lies within. Counseling can work IF you want it to. From the sounds of your post you aren't completely convinced. You stated that you had to convinced to go, that you cheated on your wife and you are only going for the kids. You need to go because you want to go - all of the other stuff is secondary. You can't do it for someone or anyone else. you must do it for yourself if you want it to succeed, otherwise you are just delaying the inevitable.

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