2 sessions in, advice? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-21-2015, 06:21 PM Thread Starter
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2 sessions in, advice?

Short background; together 8 yrs, married 7 this month. Problems started yrs ago and husband refused to see a counselor. This time he said ok, as a last resort. Being as this is our last resort, I know we face many more difficult challenges than had we gone earlier. But he agreed, that was step one. On top of that, upon my asking, we both mutually agreed that if the counselor just didn't sit right with EITHER one of us, each could opt to find another. I didn't want either of us to feel uncomfortable with counseling, so it's only fair right?

1st session is more of a meet and greet, ppwrk yadayada. The C (counselor), said this was not one on one, she would address the marriage and not us individually, and she was "to the point", which I felt was along my/our way of thinking/dealing. After this first session we discussed when home how eachother felt (albeit briefly, as we don't talk much anymore). We seemed to agree that once was not enough to form an opinion.

*I admit on here that I felt a bit uncomfortable, and did tear up during our session. This whole mess has me a bit emotional and I sorta felt embarrassed*

Session 2, started to feel my husband was getting more talk time and I was for lack of a better work, feeling a bit picked on. I teared up in this session too, it's only stress. Intamacy was brought up as I had asked my husband during the last week for at least some sex (we have differing opinions on our probs there)...so the assignment for the week was to spend 15 mins or more just being close, even if just holding hands, and full on sex was ok too if we both wanted it). So later, our scheduled time together was 2 hrs early since my husband just came out and said, do you just want to here sex now? So I said yeah, give me 15 mins and I'm there. After sex, he just got dressed and went about his night. I felt used, and just not good afterwards.

Is this how counseling is going to go? We don't get along any better, the talking is worse or nil...and I admit I AM the one who asked for at least that...but in the end I felt like it was a cop out. No reason to sit uncomfortably holding hands for 15 mins, just a quick and see ya.

I need some advice for my 3rd session please. If I need to expand on the situation I can do that as well. I just need to know if we shouldn't have had some good communication tools as well as the wham, bam, thank you mam (w/o a thank you, so yeah).

Thx for anything at all at this point.

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-22-2015, 08:19 PM
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Re: 2 sessions in, advice?

Counseling is a process not a quick fix. Hopefully at the next session you can share how you felt about the intimacy (or lack thereof). That's part of the process - creating an environment where both of you are feeling safe enough to openly share. Sounds like that is not happening between the two of you now. The MC is also not there to simply validate the point of view of either you or your husband but to provide some objective view of the relationship. Your post indicates some longstanding issues that sound as if they will take multiple sessions to begin to unravel.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-23-2015, 08:42 PM
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Re: 2 sessions in, advice?

I agree with Maneo - it's early days. I hope you will find the strength to share in your next session how lonely you felt after the sex - try to talk about how YOU felt, rather than blaming your husband. Also - let the therapist know that you felt a bit sidelined in the last session. This is important information for your therapist. It can be a hard job to make sure everyone feels heard and understood and equal in the session. A good therapist will want to try to get this balance right and will be grateful to hear from you when it feels like it is going wrong for you. It should help the therapist to help you find your voice.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-25-2015, 09:51 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you both for your replies. Our scheduled time together lasted 3 days from our 2nd C appt. Day 1, sex...day 2, holding hands without talking pretty much at all, day 3, sex...then an argument where he said he wanted a divorce.

Since then I've just been busy with work, and his work schedule changed so we wouldn't even cross paths until the wknd. Today, Sat, he just let me have it verbally and I felt so helpless and small. I picked up my heart off the floor and did what I needed to do today. When I got back, I just said the next time he talks to me in that tone I'm walking away.

There is no solution to our problems. He is constantly angry and I'm constantly sad. I only feel better when I don't "deal", or spend time with my horses (my therapy). I am going to focus on the walk away... I can not stand one more word of how this is all my fault. Think I'll have to find time to see a lawyer for a free consult. I'm scared to death about it all, exhausted, unsure, confused, and frankly all over the board with emotions. I can only hope I have the strength to deal with the next yr or so of tomorrow's.
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