I'm hurt and so frustrated.
I decided to find a therapist recently. I went to see her alone and really liked her approach. We agreed that we should try MC since my husband said he was willing to go and that is what I would rather work on right now. This week my husband and I went for the first time. I was tense the whole session because I knew he doesn't really want to be there and would be looking for reasons why he doesn't want to go to counseling. It didn't go too well.
The therapist asked us to bring up an old fight so she could see what happens. Of course it quickly snowballed into a bunch of issues, with us both trying to be heard and be right. We have never resolved any past fight and have always "ignored" them until they pop up again.
She stopped us and and told us to practice listening and repeating back what the other said first. That was very hard for both of us. My husband kept telling the therapist he is over it and doesn't have any problem and wants me to get over it too. She told him he clearly isn't over it based on how willing he was to bring up additional issues and to fight over this old problem again.
He also lied a few times and said very hurtful things. I understand that we are supposed to practice respecting the others right to their feelings and opinions but its hard to do when he makes up things that aren't true.
For example, he said that I refuse to make friends and I depend solely on him for friendship and happiness. He said that whenever someone says hi to me in public I ignore them and don't say hi back! This has literally never happened. He said he wants his own space and to be left alone. I want the same thing, but he pulls me into interacting with him, even when I tell him I want to be left alone. He texts me all day at work and calls me on every lunch break, even when I'm dealing with our toddler and we have nothing to talk about.
When I go out by myself he makes jokes that why did you put make-up on, where are you going? If I'm visiting my mom he calls and texts constantly. But according to him, I'm the one with a problem depending on him and not having any friends and not giving him his space. Well we've moved 4 times in 2 years trying to secure him a job with his degree. Every time I started to make friends we moved away!
He kept making things up during the session and grossly misrepresenting the issues in our marriage. Basically with the end result that I'm the one with the problem because I can't just "get over" our past issues. Nevermind that he holds all these past issues in his arsenal to bombard me with any time that benefits him and nevermind our ongoing issues. He also accused me of lying to him and misrepresenting things to him to justify his past behavior.
Because we had a nice weekend (we're getting better at dancing around our problems) he was holding my hand on the drive to the therapist's office and smiling. On the way back he was silent, and I was afraid to speak and have a fight start. He didn't try to hold my hand at all. He tried to talk normal at home a few times, which I ignored because he usually starts out nice and then brings up a problem and we fight. I didn't want to hear his complaints about the therapist office and how he doesn't need to go.
This morning when he was leaving for work he came and cuddled with me. I told him I'm not feeling well and he offered to get me medicine. He was being nice and then it came out....He said he doesn't want to go to MC anymore. Again he said he was misled and thought it was going to be IC for me and he was just meeting with the therapist, etc.
None of this true, I've been clear that I want us to go to counseling, he says he wants to too. The therapist asked him at the end of the session if this is what he would like to do and he said yes and we scheduled the next appointment. But now he says he was misled and he doesn't want to do MC "right now." I said we need to do it and you agreed to go next week, so you have to. He said "who decides that I have to go? you? I don't have to go and I don't want to go." I told him I want us to get counseling or I'm going to make arrangements to move out. We can't keep ignoring our issues. He then agreed to go next week and tell the therapist he doesn't want to go anymore.
I'm so exhausted with this.