Counsiling made it go downhill - QUICK - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-31-2011, 06:53 PM Thread Starter
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Counsiling made it go downhill - QUICK

Hey all, just thought I'd share my counsiling experience of the last couple months.

Wife and I had a poor relationship for quite a while. 5 years married. It was fizzling out and we had issues that we were unable to resolve. So we finally decided to go to MC. The first session went ok and we were both generally happier for a week. Then the second session we got into some deeper stuff. My W was clearly hurt by some of the issues that were coming up and took it as a personal attack.

I actually took something really positive from the sessions: I realized that I was being really appathetic in the relationship and thought hard about why. I realized that I was NOT ok with some of my wife's behaviour and that was acceptable (as opposed to keeping quiet and remaining in denial). So with my renewed set of balls, I layed it out that things had to change or it's over because the same sh!t had been going on for too long. She did not like this as she had been on a gravy train for the longest time and it was coming to her stop.

What little sex life we had before MC stopped when we had our first session. We havn't been intimate since then and are now sleeping in different bedrooms in the process of separating.

I can't fault the MC. She remained impartial and was very perceptive. If I took a guess at what went wrong I would say too much came to the surface too quickly and we waited too long to address the issues.

Good luck everyone!

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-31-2011, 10:41 PM
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Re: Counsiling made it go downhill - QUICK

Sorry to hear this - but as you've realized, sometimes you can do NOTHING about it other than work on yourself and sometimes it falls apart cause it wasn't meant to be, as hard as that is.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-30-2012, 09:55 PM
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Re: Counsiling made it go downhill - QUICK

I think often people go to counselling too late. I think it actuall works so long as its started without too too much stalling.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-30-2012, 10:13 PM
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Re: Counsiling made it go downhill - QUICK

I'd say you should go to counseling when the problems seem small and you're not sure whether you should go or not, you just know things aren't right and can't put a finger on it. We started counseling too late - by the time we started we had nothing postive to start with or build from. I'm now going to counseling on my own now to deal with all the emotions that come with separation and divorce.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-31-2012, 08:14 PM
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Re: Counsiling made it go downhill - QUICK

We started MC one year into our marriage. It made me more emotional than I'd ever been in my life! Initially I'd leave and cry for hours. Then I started crying during the sessions and afterwards. I'd feel drained and hurt each time. Today, we both left feeling angry and have been avoiding each other :/ Her strategy is to teach us active listening, mirroring, and validating each other's feelings. But I think we have such different version of reality and so much pent up resentment that it's just not working
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-04-2012, 07:05 PM
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Re: Counsiling made it go downhill - QUICK

Sometimes, especially with MC, it can get worse before better. No one size fits all approach!

However, as long as you both are committed to working on things. She may be angry and defensive but as long as she keeps going and participating it's a good sign.

You could NOT have moved forward, if these issues weren't laid on the table. Each of you, need to know what the other wants/needs. If those needs aren't being fulfilled then that person is unhappy and may attempt to seek it outside of the marriage and/or the marriage dies.

It hurts to hear the truth. Now..lets see what you both do with it!

Good luck to you both.
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