from roommates back to lovers? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
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Question from roommates back to lovers?

I’ve been married to my husband for 11 years (no kids) and we both agree that we feel like roommates. I have felt this was for a few years and he has felt like this for the past year. We don’t spend much time together, no sex, different hobbies etc. We recently had our first MC session to address the “roommate” feel. The C gave us “homework” that addresses our lack of intimacy. For example, plan a date night - go out to dinner or light candles and watch movie etc. knowing each might lead to sex. Shouldn’t we WANT to do romantic things, or even simple activities together? Will forcing it really make things better? Has anyone gone through MC for a similar “roommate feeling” situation? What were the suggestions and what was the outcome?

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 06:44 PM
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Re: from roommates back to lovers?

I wish I could help you but I am in a similar situation - 23 years, no kids. Following your thread so I can get some suggestions too. Already did dinner tonight and now settling to watch a movie - once I stop posting here..... Good luck.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 06:51 PM
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Re: from roommates back to lovers?

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Originally Posted by kmcmrb View Post
I’ve been married to my husband for 11 years (no kids) and we both agree that we feel like roommates. I have felt this was for a few years and he has felt like this for the past year. We don’t spend much time together, no sex, different hobbies etc. We recently had our first MC session to address the “roommate” feel. The C gave us “homework” that addresses our lack of intimacy. For example, plan a date night - go out to dinner or light candles and watch movie etc. knowing each might lead to sex. Shouldn’t we WANT to do romantic things, or even simple activities together? Will forcing it really make things better? Has anyone gone through MC for a similar “roommate feeling” situation? What were the suggestions and what was the outcome?
You need to get at why you've been roommates for years.

Why is that?

And why have both of you tolerated that?
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 12:19 AM
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Re: from roommates back to lovers?

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Originally Posted by kmcmrb View Post
I’ve been married to my husband for 11 years (no kids) and we both agree that we feel like roommates. I have felt this was for a few years and he has felt like this for the past year. We don’t spend much time together, no sex, different hobbies etc. We recently had our first MC session to address the “roommate” feel. The C gave us “homework” that addresses our lack of intimacy. For example, plan a date night - go out to dinner or light candles and watch movie etc. knowing each might lead to sex. Shouldn’t we WANT to do romantic things, or even simple activities together? Will forcing it really make things better? Has anyone gone through MC for a similar “roommate feeling” situation? What were the suggestions and what was the outcome?
The way to fix this is to 'fake it until you make it'.

In order to get the 'in love' feelings back you two need to spend a lot of time engaging in a LOT of non-sexual intimacy. The more time you spend together, doing things together, the faster you both will rekindle the in love feelings.

There are two books that can really help you. I highly suggest them in addition to your counseling. "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Both are by Dr. Harley. Read the books in the order that I listed them. Then ask your husband to read them and do the work that they suggest together.


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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 12:46 AM
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Re: from roommates back to lovers?

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Shouldn’t we WANT to do romantic things, or even simple activities together? Will forcing it really make things better?
Planning it isn't the same thing as forcing it. You're only "forcing it" if neither of you enjoys the experience but you make yourselves go through it anyway.

Relationships require effort. You cannot allow your relationship to sail along on its own momentum and expect it to be passionate and exciting.

Date nights are great because it puts you in courtship mode again. You're putting other things aside and focusing on your relationship. People make time to walk their dog, make time to watch Game of Thrones, and make time to read online message boards... but some people rarely make time for their spouses. Your spouse can't be the last thing on your priority list, or your marriage will suffer.

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"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."—John Lennon


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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-17-2016, 05:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: from roommates back to lovers?

what if it feels like it's too late to get *those* feelings back?
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-17-2016, 06:18 PM
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Re: from roommates back to lovers?

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what if it feels like it's too late to get *those* feelings back?
It's only too late when one of you, or both of you, have given up on your marriage altogether.

Once you understand what causes people to fall in love, you will understand what behaviors help your relationship and which ones hurt it.

Read this:

The Love Bank

To summarize, you have a "Love Bank" which is like a bank account. When somebody does something to make you feel good, that's a deposit in the Love Bank. When they make you feel bad, that's a withdrawal. Fill up the account with enough good feelings, and it triggers the feeling of romantic love. Even somebody you once loved can fall out of favor if they make a bunch of withdrawals, though.

Embracing this concept has helped me so much, because it explains love in a scientific way instead of being this ephemeral, intangible thing that you can't explain or control. It makes perfect sense to me now.

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