Brick, I am looking in the mirror reading your posts. Several differences but content is scary. Educated, controlling, abusive, manipulative etc. I'll take a guess that your love life is not going great either. This is an ugly list. Step back and read it. Add to it and consider what you've got going on.
If you want to repair or recover your marriage there are a lot of things you can do. I tried a lot of them and many that would not be recommended. Individual counseling, couples counseling, read a crap ton of books, modified 180, changed behaviors, relocated, changed careers, backed off, pursued...a lot of effort on my part. In all of this she did not pursue me nor did she engage in making our marriage any better.
If your wife will not engage in the process you are going to fail. Realizing this is essential to deciding how you want to move forward. With her or without her.
My suggestion is to focus on yourself. You're caring for her and your children, who is taking care of you? Many here will suggest working out, getting a hair cut, buy some new clothes, engage in a hobby or some other element of you that's been dropped. Also, consider the 180. Primarily it is intended to help those exiting a relationship. It can also be modified to help you start caring about yourself and being more attractive (like what she fell in love with) to your spouse.
These things are very good. But before you close down your computer today download this book, "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover https://www.google.com/search?q=no+m...utf-8&oe=utf-8
Start there and keep conversing here. Many, like myself will have a jaded view of your prospects, ignore us for now. Study her and work on you, then tell us what you really want to do with your marriage.