My wife refuses to even consider... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Experiences in Counseling Have you been through professional marriage or relationship counseling? Are you considering it? This section is for topics related to seeing a therapist.

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post #16 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

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post #17 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:15 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

Unfortunately your options are limited.
She is behaving badly, maybe abusively and is not interested in fixing things. Normally I would tell you to get a divorce. Why live with someone who mistreats you and won't change.

But, you have kids which makes things much worse. Its such a bad environment though that the kids might well be better off if you divorced as well.

The think to remember is that you cannot make her change.



Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherBrickInTheWall View Post
Hi

My wife wont even consider counseling because she was trained as an MD (she hasn't practiced in 15 years though), psychiatry was part of the curriculum and she has 'read some stuff'.

Since she has declared herself a subject matter specialist, she is always right and I am always wrong. Her way though, is yelling, screaming, borderline physical abuse, guilt shaming and the whole spectra of emotion before rational thought. I no longer have facebook (I used to work for FB too) because of the danger of posting something that she finds irritating.

We have kids and I have to forget who and what I am for them, my Id, so to speak. They understand what I am doing too, I have been asked by my oldest why I bothered marrying her mother as the target is not just me, it includes them and she likes to play favorites,

Any suggestions? That's kind of a funny question as I have 'gotten in to trouble' because I talked my primary care doc about talking things (oh stupid me....)
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post #18 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:17 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherBrickInTheWall View Post
Hi

My wife wont even consider counseling because she was trained as an MD (she hasn't practiced in 15 years though), psychiatry was part of the curriculum and she has 'read some stuff'.
Which stuff has she read? From the quote below, I think she may have forgotten how to behave.
Does she work full time?

Quote:
Since she has declared herself a subject matter specialist, she is always right and I am always wrong. Her way though, is yelling, screaming, borderline physical abuse, guilt shaming and the whole spectra of emotion before rational thought. I no longer have facebook (I used to work for FB too) because of the danger of posting something that she finds irritating.
Borderline physical abuse?
Does she sometimes hit you?
What kind of stuff are you posting, which annoys her?

Quote:
We have kids and I have to forget who and what I am for them, my Id, so to speak. They understand what I am doing too, I have been asked by my oldest why I bothered marrying her mother as the target is not just me, it includes them and she likes to play favorites,
Do you stand up for your children? Ask her to be fair?

Quote:
Any suggestions? That's kind of a funny question as I have 'gotten in to trouble' because I talked my primary care doc about talking things (oh stupid me....)
Do you think perhaps her childhood of responsibility has made her controlling? Unable to see flaws & fault in an argument?
Perhaps a personality disorder?

Why are you not considering divorce?
It's highly unlikely that things will change since she's unwilling to see the error of her ways.




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post #19 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:25 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

Was the abusive behavior present prior to the marriage?
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post #20 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

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post #21 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:46 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

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Originally Posted by john117 View Post
Ummm. I have ten years of education and three degrees in psychology . I'm pretty rational.

(That's what they all say )
Including the voice from the closet?
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post #22 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:47 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

it sounds like your wife has a fixed mindset, in other words her education had blocked her ability to be open minded to grow, to learn new things. I would suggest that she read the book Mindset, by Carol Dweck.

Mindset | What is Mindset
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post #23 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

Okay, Mr. Gilmour...or is it Mr. Waters...certainly post Mr. Barrett...

I have an incredibly simple question.

Why do you fear your wife's reactions?

Paging @MEM2020

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #24 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:51 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

Brick, I am looking in the mirror reading your posts. Several differences but content is scary. Educated, controlling, abusive, manipulative etc. I'll take a guess that your love life is not going great either. This is an ugly list. Step back and read it. Add to it and consider what you've got going on.

If you want to repair or recover your marriage there are a lot of things you can do. I tried a lot of them and many that would not be recommended. Individual counseling, couples counseling, read a crap ton of books, modified 180, changed behaviors, relocated, changed careers, backed off, pursued...a lot of effort on my part. In all of this she did not pursue me nor did she engage in making our marriage any better.

If your wife will not engage in the process you are going to fail. Realizing this is essential to deciding how you want to move forward. With her or without her.

My suggestion is to focus on yourself. You're caring for her and your children, who is taking care of you? Many here will suggest working out, getting a hair cut, buy some new clothes, engage in a hobby or some other element of you that's been dropped. Also, consider the 180. Primarily it is intended to help those exiting a relationship. It can also be modified to help you start caring about yourself and being more attractive (like what she fell in love with) to your spouse.

These things are very good. But before you close down your computer today download this book, "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover https://www.google.com/search?q=no+m...utf-8&oe=utf-8

Start there and keep conversing here. Many, like myself will have a jaded view of your prospects, ignore us for now. Study her and work on you, then tell us what you really want to do with your marriage.

~ Passio
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post #25 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:52 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

@AnotherBrickInTheWall
Thank you for answering those questions.

I understand the importance of what your marriage vows mean to you.

Can you list the good in your marriage?
How is the physical/intimate part, does she ever like to give or receive affection?


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post #26 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:53 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

@AnotherBrickInTheWall

So we can have 200 pages of comments going back and forth or we can get to the point.

WHAT WILL it take for you to grow a pair, stop hiding behind your kids as an excuse, and file for divorce?

If it something you need to hear then please. Enlighten us. I'll tell you exactly what you want to hear.

You tell us. Anything?!? Or are you destined to be another TAM poster who does nothing but vent.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #27 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

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post #28 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

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post #29 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 02:00 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherBrickInTheWall View Post
Perhaps I have made a mistake. I'll go back under my rock now.
I mean of the relationship.
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post #30 of 45 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 02:01 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to even consider...

Indeed it has.

Do you also see the power you are giving her when you do so? It takes you from being a capable man with options to someone who feels trapped. Your relinquishing of your power is what set the snare.

It does not mean she is good, or even healthy. However, there is no real solution until you truly self actualize.

As for her...

Was her history of abuse sexual, physical, emotional, or all of the above? I know you did not indicate it yet, but I'd wager she learned the unacceptable behavior she subjects your children to from somewhere.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherBrickInTheWall View Post
Status quo, I suppose. Engaging her is a lot like putting out a fire with 100 octane aviation gasoline. I hate to argue too, so I shrink from it.

I can see by my own words its made me passive aggressive.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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