Why men avoid marriage counseling... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Why men avoid marriage counseling...

I don't know about anyone else but marriage counseling is a total crock. We've got to 4 different counselors over about 5 years and they have all been terrible. The session are all one sided and any issue I would bring up would be down played, brushed off or blamed on me. In my experience it's all about catering to the woman and trying to force the man to conform to her "needs"

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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

Its hard to response in generality, you made a blanket statement without specificity, every couple and their issues are different, i'm not sure what the issues are your marriage, i'm not sure if the issue (s) are yours, hers or both....not sure what the primary reason for going to 5 different counselors, not sure what the background is on these individuals are. what i hear is anger and maybe you have cause and maybe you don't.
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

@xxxSHxYZxxx

You've been to both male and female counsellors?

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

My ex and I went through 4 MC's and it was a waste of time. 2 guys and 2 girls. I hated my wife and had 0 attraction towards her, so it didn't matter. I was just going through the motions and prolonging the inevitable. If you need MC, you are doomed.
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

It's not universally true. I grew up with classic Catholic guilt; it seemed like every damn thing was my fault. If it wasn't me telling myself that, it was certain that somebody would step up to the plate, and eventually that person was my wife.

We eventually went to MC. It was my wife's idea, and I was pretty reluctant. I didn't really need to hear how everything was my fault from some stranger. But imagine my wife's and my surprise when the counselor told us that my position was pretty solid and my wife had some things to address.

It was kind of gratifying. Of course, it was also the last time my wife wanted to do MC ...
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

I agree totally, marriage counseling is a total crock and waste of money. It's all based on the premise the man is always wrong and knows only how to do wrong. Me and my wife tried it and I walked after the first session. Guess who was blamed for everything.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

This post really resonated with me because I went the route of marriage counseling. We went to a few different therapists but changed after only a few sessions each time.

Why? Because even though they emphasized they would be neutral and not take sides my exwife said they all took my side.

Why? Because she was completely unreasonable in almost every way.

If you have been to 4 counselors and they all say it's your fault either you go to really bad counselors that take your husbands side for no good reason or else they're trying to suggest you need to rethink whether you are at fault for some or most of the problems in your marriage.

I know my exwife sure was and she could have written the very first post!
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

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Originally Posted by xxxSHxYZxxx View Post
I don't know about anyone else but marriage counseling is a total crock. We've got to 4 different counselors over about 5 years and they have all been terrible. The session are all one sided and any issue I would bring up would be down played, brushed off or blamed on me. In my experience it's all about catering to the woman and trying to force the man to conform to her "needs"

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#1: They should not bring their values into the session. "Counseling" requires listening and trying to guide individuals towards solutions. Even if the counselor is right, they are a person of authority and can create additional problems in the relationship if they go over the line. They are not referees or judges.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

If you and your partner are at the point of MC, chances are it's a failure. I learned this the hard way. I actually saw my ex-wife change a few years ago and immediately offered to see a MC to help us. She was shocked, but agreed. We went to 3 different MCs. They told us we just grew apart (understatement). We could come back to each other if both of us tried. The key word is BOTH.

Here's a test. You DO you (I.E. The 180). If she comes to you and wants to work on the marriage, then it can be saved. If she does nothing and walks away, it's already dead brother. Just file and move on. It's hard, no doubt. I was wrestling with the decision for over a year. However, for both of our sanity, it had to be done. There is no question I loved my ex-wife deeply. However, the feelings were clearly not the same. As the old saying goes, if you love her, let her go. That is what I exactly did...
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

A good friend of mine was a marriage counselor with a Ph.d in Psychology. His wife cheated on him and divorced him. He now counsels prison inmates for a company that has a huge contract with the State prison system. He told me that they have no idea what happens to couples after a year when they stop counseling, because all studies only follow the couple for only one year. Even told me that he sees a therapist.

Personally I feel that no one is going to change an adult's basic personality or nature. What happens is that the MC shows the couple how to act, not really changes them. The couple does what they learned to do but sooner or later their true self will emerge. If MC were so effective we would not have a 50% divorce rate. Couples would know that it is the be all and fix all of marriage and just go to a MC to fix their marriage. I never knew one couple who stayed married much longer after MC. They try to use what they learned, but it is not who they really are and it fails at some point.

My wife and I simply relied on our love to works things out. I have not asked her to change and she has not asked me to change. We realize that no two people can fulfill all of the other's wants and needs and we allowed for that in our marriage. Luckily we both found the same person to fulfill the needs we could not fulfill for each other. That provided all three of us with a very rich and fulfilling life and no one was hurt in the process.

I see MC as speed bump on the way to divorce. It is grasping at straws. I think women are more likely to suggest it because many marry guys thinking that they can change them. If you research this you will see this as a common reason for why women marry men who have traits that they do not like. What you see is what you get when you marry. However one of the things that the mix of chemicals in our brain that we call love does, is to blind us to each other's faults for 2 or 3 years. Take a look at this which explains the different phases of love:

How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-20-2017 at 04:11 PM.
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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:08 PM
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Cool Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

Quote:
Originally Posted by xxxSHxYZxxx View Post
I don't know about anyone else but marriage counseling is a total crock. We've got to 4 different counselors over about 5 years and they have all been terrible. The session are all one sided and any issue I would bring up would be down played, brushed off or blamed on me. In my experience it's all about catering to the woman and trying to force the man to conform to her "needs"

Thoughts?

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Not only do men hate them, but a plethora of women hate MC's too!

My thoughts on the subject are that whoever books the MC, usually gets a leg up on having the counselor ultimately side with them!

And if you happen to disagree, then just ask my RSXW!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

I think some people are missing what I'm saying. So I'll try and clarify.

My wife would dominate the session and only her issues would be discussed. If I had an opportunity to bring up an issue I was having it would be down played, brushed off I would be blamed for the issues I had with my wife. The blaming part was rare but it happend. While going to the last counselor I expressed my concern about how I felt like the sessions were one sided and whatnot several times. How it the focus was always on her issues and we would never discuss the issues I was having beyond me saying "hey I'm having a big problem with this and this". After bring it up a few times the counselor flat out told me. "We'll she's the one that wants a divorce so we need to discuss her problems so she doesn't leave you". We both decided to stop going after that.

Eventually what it took was for my wife to want a separation and for me to refuse to leave. Basically I manned up and stopped chasing her. I was still in love with my wife and wanted to work things out but I was done being the only one. So we separated and I didn't leave. After awhile she realized that I was willing to let her go and that a lot of it was because of her. We've been trying to work it out since and things are looking way better now that she's actually putting in effort


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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

Well if she's the one who wanted out then of course the marriage counseling sessions are going to address her issues because she's the one complaining. When you go to the dentist with a toothache and your wife goes with you they're looking inside of your mouth not hers!
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

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Originally Posted by xxxSHxYZxxx View Post
I think some people are missing what I'm saying. So I'll try and clarify.

My wife would dominate the session and only her issues would be discussed. If I had an opportunity to bring up an issue I was having it would be down played, brushed off I would be blamed for the issues I had with my wife. The blaming part was rare but it happend. While going to the last counselor I expressed my concern about how I felt like the sessions were one sided and whatnot several times. How it the focus was always on her issues and we would never discuss the issues I was having beyond me saying "hey I'm having a big problem with this and this". After bring it up a few times the counselor flat out told me. "We'll she's the one that wants a divorce so we need to discuss her problems so she doesn't leave you". We both decided to stop going after that.

Eventually what it took was for my wife to want a separation and for me to refuse to leave. Basically I manned up and stopped chasing her. I was still in love with my wife and wanted to work things out but I was done being the only one. So we separated and I didn't leave. After awhile she realized that I was willing to let her go and that a lot of it was because of her. We've been trying to work it out since and things are looking way better now that she's actually putting in effort


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We've all been there. However, my wife never openly threatened divorce. I did, however, tell her if we cannot work things out and act like husband and wife, a divorce is most certainly going to happen. I commend you (and your wife) for seeing that she was causing the issues and is working on herself and the marriage to try and repair it. It's very rare that a woman in crisis will realize there part of the marital breakdown and attempt to fix it. That is a huge sign. Wish I had that instead of a cold, resentful angry woman.

All in all, you have hope in saving your marriage.
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: Why men avoid marriage counseling...

I remember in marriage counseling the therapist listened to both of us and then looked to me and said "she's got her hands up it's like a wall and in order for this marriage to move forward we need to break down that wall." I recall at the time I would be perfectly good with never seeing this woman again but I'd lose too much in terms of money and not seeing my kids so I was willing to put up with just about anything but seeing her sitting there nodding with the therapist about how I was the one with the problem made me want to punch her in the face multiple times.

In other words, if one party clearly wants out and the other is ok with the status quo, then the one who is not complaining is the one who has the burden to change.

So while it may seem like you are being blamed and your wife is dominating all the sessions- it makes perfectly good sense because you're the one with the burden and she's the one who has all the complaints to air out. Sure you have issues to air too, but they're only coming up because you're in MC because she wants out. So they're not really the cause of the bigger problem and therefore they won't be addressed as readily.

You see it as being blamed and not getting your fair share of therapy time, I see it as "this guy's stubborn and not aware of what's going on here".
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