I feel I have a troubled marriage, and I came to the forums looking for some advice. This thread caught my eye, and I felt like it was a good place for my first post.
I don't feel like I had a good experience in counseling, but my wife would disagree with me. It seemed to be really aimed at her problems, but didn't address mine. Or at least the counselor didn't convey my issues (or show me how to convey them) to my wife.
On our first session, he asked us what was going on. My wife immediately piped up with "I think we have communication problems". This then set the tone of every session after (6 total, that's all my insurance paid for). He then tried to teach us "Active Listening". Basically, you say something, and then your spouse repeats it back to you. If they say it wrong (which it usually is) you correct it until you both understand exactly what you are saying. Now the other spouse gets to say something. Keep it short, maybe only a sentence, and continue on with a conversation this way. It's harder than it sounds.
We only ever did this once outside of the counselors office. Then she started to use it against me, publicly saying to me "What did I say?", like I was a child. When I explained this to the counselor, he made her recite a very long apology to me, right there in the office. I felt humiliated for her, and felt it was completely inappropriate. She never initiated "Active Listening" again.
She complained to the counselor that I never seemed to do as I was asked (chores around the house). I replied that I felt there was never time for the things I want to do. He instructed her to make a list. Put on it the things that she wants done, by priority, and leave some room for things I want to do (clean out the garage). My wife never made a list. Then or ever.
If we fight now, she accuses me of "going back to my old ways", and threatens to "take me back to counseling". I never said that I disliked it, or ever complained about it. Nor do I feel threatened by going back, though I don't think it will help at all.
The counselor finished the last session by giving me a photocopied sheet of a newspaper article. The article was titled "Men who say 'Yes, Dear' live longer". That was his final word, that I should just say "Yes, Dear" more often.
I don't feel it helped our marriage. It just made me shut up about my complaints, and do as I'm told more often. Now my resentment of her grows every day (and she is blissfully unaware). I have slept on the couch for 2 years now, and I can't remember the last time we had sex.
My 2 cents.
I don't feel like I had a good experience in counseling, but my wife would disagree with me. It seemed to be really aimed at her problems, but didn't address mine. Or at least the counselor didn't convey my issues (or show me how to convey them) to my wife.
On our first session, he asked us what was going on. My wife immediately piped up with "I think we have communication problems". This then set the tone of every session after (6 total, that's all my insurance paid for). He then tried to teach us "Active Listening". Basically, you say something, and then your spouse repeats it back to you. If they say it wrong (which it usually is) you correct it until you both understand exactly what you are saying. Now the other spouse gets to say something. Keep it short, maybe only a sentence, and continue on with a conversation this way. It's harder than it sounds.
We only ever did this once outside of the counselors office. Then she started to use it against me, publicly saying to me "What did I say?", like I was a child. When I explained this to the counselor, he made her recite a very long apology to me, right there in the office. I felt humiliated for her, and felt it was completely inappropriate. She never initiated "Active Listening" again.
She complained to the counselor that I never seemed to do as I was asked (chores around the house). I replied that I felt there was never time for the things I want to do. He instructed her to make a list. Put on it the things that she wants done, by priority, and leave some room for things I want to do (clean out the garage). My wife never made a list. Then or ever.
If we fight now, she accuses me of "going back to my old ways", and threatens to "take me back to counseling". I never said that I disliked it, or ever complained about it. Nor do I feel threatened by going back, though I don't think it will help at all.
The counselor finished the last session by giving me a photocopied sheet of a newspaper article. The article was titled "Men who say 'Yes, Dear' live longer". That was his final word, that I should just say "Yes, Dear" more often.
I don't feel it helped our marriage. It just made me shut up about my complaints, and do as I'm told more often. Now my resentment of her grows every day (and she is blissfully unaware). I have slept on the couch for 2 years now, and I can't remember the last time we had sex.
My 2 cents.