My husband sought out a marriage counselor for us when I said I was considering a divorce because I couldn't stand the way things were with us. She's licensed with our insurance company and is closest to our home. He went to the first appointment alone and then she scheduled me to come in. My husband drove me there and once there, the counselor asked him to come in as well. Then she asked me what I saw as the problem. I said that we have virtually no useful communication and that my husband is so controlling and distrustful that I can't live like that anymore. I told her that I was now angry all the time and extremely bitter, not at all my usual self.
The control issue was discussed and she asked me to explain it. Basically - my husband and I are in agreement that I've never done anything that is untrustworthy (although he has previous baggage in that area). But, since our marriage 5 years ago I can't talk on the phone without telling him what's being said, who I'm talking to, whether I called them or they called me, etc. We go to the store together. I had coffee with a friend (female) twice in the 5 years (with his okay) and both times he called me repeatedly on my cell and then needed a play by play of the entire conversation during coffee. I no longer have any friends, which is hard for me. I had moved to another state to get married and knew nobody here so a new friend would have been nice.
His teenage daughter lives with us and absolutely knows and says that I go nowhere and have no life. My adult son lives in town here now as well but I can't call him either without explaining why I'm calling him.
(Back to the counselor)...she suggested that I do more to reassure my husband, i.e. find a hobby within our home so that he doesn't feel a need to not trust me and I can have a bit of alone time; and when we are out in public I need to make sure to stay by his side and reassure him that I'm not speaking to someone else. (He had said it seems kind of flirty when someone talks to me and I smile).
Honestly - at first I thought I heard her wrong - but no. I went ballistic and asked her if this was her solution to his control issues. She said that they had not begun to work on his issues yet but would in due time. (He is sitting there passive the entire time). I said "are you aware that he is not like this at home at all". She said that "I can see where he's like a big teddy bear that needs to be reassured quite a bit and you speak quite quickly and are short when you are upset."
We have been to her a total of 3 times and I don't want to go back. I've never been to a counselor before so don't really know what to expect but this wasn't it.
I am short when i speak - Now. I'm angry - now. I'm fed up - now.
I said at one point that when I said I'd like to go to a craft store alone one Saturday afternoon, he said, "of course. Go. Have fun. But - you do realize this is my only day off to spend any time together?" I told the counselor that he does that frequently so that he can say he said for me to go but wants to guilt me in to staying. She said I was assuming that and that I probably make a lot of assumptions.
Am I just missing something here? Is this how counseling is supposed to go? If it's just me that is taking this all wrong - please say so.