Do you agree with our marriage counselor?

Paulination · 05-31-2012, 02:41 PM

My story has been around a while but the bottom line is that my SAHM wife hit me with the "I'm not happy" speech 5 months ago in the midst of some pretty mitigating circumstances that she was going through but decided that it was me that was making her unhappy. I ultimately conceded her position (though she re-wrote history to get there) in the hopes of correcting my percieved wrongs and to just be a better overall dad and husband (I always thought I was). Everything has gotten much better and my understanding of marriage, men and women is extensive now (yes I read most of the books recommended on here).

Alright, to the point. When evaluating how I could be a better husband and meet her needs I decided I not only wanted this marriage to be better, I wanted it to be the best possible marriage ever. In order for it to be that, I have been ignoring (and allowing her to ignore) my own unmet needs. Specifically affection.

My wife doesn't kiss me, cuddle me, hold my hand or say I love you unless I do it first. She will never initiate any kind of contact besides a half heated one arm hug when I get home from work. Our sex lif is OK (about once a week) but that is it for any evidence that we are a married couple (besides the kids). My wife used to be very affectionate but somewhere along the way it disapeared and I never addressed it. Until now.

So at counceling I have been leaving every session with my "marching orders" and my wife isn't required to do anything. My wifes attitude is that she is not affectionate with me because I shut her out for four years and that hopefully with my changes she will get those urges back, someday. Our counselor seems to agree with this. Once again, "shutting her out" is a complete re-write of history that I just have to swallow to not seem defensive. I have no problem admitting when I am wrong but I have been a good husband. Flawed at times, but always there and available.

My thinking is that maybe she could make some sort of effort and be more proactive and by the nature of her action and my re-action, those feelings might come quicker. It can be just baby steps, I'm not asking her to throw herself at me when I come home, just a little something to make me feel loved. Just one peck on the cheek after work would mean the world to me but she just won't do it unless she "feels" like it. Just once saying "I love you" first would make my day but she won't do it.

The counselor says that if she was to just "act as if" and give me that peck or "I love you" then it would simply be mechanical and have no meaning and "you don't want that".

I don't understand the big difference about why the changes I have had to make were ones predicated on a pro-active effort meanwhile hers are completely based on reactive effort and only in the context of when she feels like it.

If I am off base please set me straight. I'm going to try to go through this one more time tonight but then I'm done talking about my needs. It's irritating my wife and since the only thing I can do seems to be being a great husband and just wait this out until she decides to be more affectionate.

livelaughlovenow · 05-31-2012, 04:35 PM

I would address the issue with your wife and how much she used to be affectionate and how it felt to you, made you feel wanted, needed desired, etc. (Going thru this right now with my dh). It is important. I do not agree with your counselor, regardless of if it is done with meaning or not she should be making just as much effort as you are. I see her point though, you wouldn't want her to do it, and it feel mechanical but at the same time, she should be making an effort to meet your needs at the same time as you are making an effort to meet hers. Can you identify some areas where she has made an effort and surround the discussion with that? So it starts positive and ends positive? I find this usually helps things go better in my discussions with my husband. To acknowledge the things he is making an effort on, that I have noticed, and to ask if there are things that he has done that I have not noticed, so that I can be sure to acknowledge them. Hope some of this helps. My dh and I are still working through things. It's a process.

Blanca · 05-31-2012, 05:02 PM

I also have no desire to touch my H anymore due to years of drama in our marriage. Like your wife I was very affectionate in the beginning. My marriage is improving but we can go days without touching and I won't even notice. He, however, feels unloved. He mentions is constantly and for awhile I tried to remember to hug/kiss him but since I don't feel it I forget quickly. And I also don't think I should have to force it. I could feel it if my H would do certain things. But he doesnt and I'm tired of repeating myself. So, I would have to side with your wife and counselor on this one. Physical affection is, at least to me, an expression of an already intimate bond. It's a natural outward flow of progressing internal intimate feelings. If there is no initial internal intimate feelings then trying to force oneself into physical affection would be like missing a step when walking down a flight of stairs; It doesn't feel good and it's a little disorienting.

SolitaryConfinement · 06-21-2012, 08:56 AM

Posted via Mobile Device

SolitaryConfinement · 06-21-2012, 09:03 AM

Totally disagree with the give it time. You should seek a new counselor. In any relationship neither husband or wife should shoulder 100% of the blame, nor should only one have all the "homework". The counselor should be giving her something, no matter how small, to work on. Even if it is forced affection at first ( assuming that she truly wants it to work out), her affection will give you the affirmation that she does love you and wants it to work out. That affirmation will build your confidence in the relationship, ultimately making you more desirable to her and she will no longer be forcing it. You also cannot be waiting for her to do this before you work on your stuff. We are getting 1 side, but from what you posted, it sounds as if you already are doing all that is asked.
Posted via Mobile Device

SolitaryConfinement · 06-21-2012, 09:32 AM

Abra, great point
Posted via Mobile Device

tacoma · 06-21-2012, 09:43 AM

Telling you that you must work to make changes is in essence "forcing you" to do something that doesn't come naturally in your relationship.
Telling your wife she doesn't have to make changes until she feels like it is hypocrisy I the highest order.

Your MC like the vast majority if MC's I hear about is an idiot!
Posted via Mobile Device