Want to back out of first MC session this Friday
Now I know that people usually seek MC in the end rather early, when it would be more helpful. But I get to be like the majority and come in late while covered in broken dreams, desires, with hurts and regrets, and the whole soiled works one has after a life (10 years and two children) of H doing drugs, cheating, stealing, lying, and all the shattered beliefs and memories that are tainted by his uncaring/ selfish behaviors/actions.
I do not want to go to this session because I have to tell him that, I am not sure if I am in or out of our relationship, at this moment. I really thought I had settled and was determined to save our marriage and R. Really I was lying to my self and in that lied to him and every person I know on this spinning ball. There is no way of knowing his reaction and I hate the unknown...fear is the unknown?
Our physical separation started out as being forced (his family tossed him out of the family home we live in) and now I can say that it was not so bad, I kind of needed it but could not bring my self to do it. But it makes things harder to deal with because he is no longer in the home with the kids and I.
I know that I am also worried about what my H might have to say. As I am use to "the other shoe dropping" with him as the norm. At the end of it all, I know I am exhausted when it comes to our relationship. I am tired of hanging my hope on, that he will change and start fulfilling my needs and wants.
I guess I am just ranting really but I will go to this first session because I said I would, even though I do not wish to out of fears.