Couples Counseling- Same or Separate - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 11-25-2012, 10:28 AM Thread Starter
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Couples Counseling- Same or Separate

My fiance and I have been together for 7.5 years, engaged for 5 yrs and we have a 4 year old child together. She has been having a emotional affair and we are going to counseling.

The issue i have is we are seeing separate counselors? We are supposed to meet up at some point and figure this out but she is stalling and it makes no sense to me. I said this from day 1 when her counselour said she doesnt meet with couples? is that weird?

any exerience appreciated...

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 11-26-2012, 05:11 PM
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Re: Couples Counseling- Same or Separate

Actually, it's not weird. Individual counseling and couple counseling require different skills. Most of those trained in IC only will take on couples just to get the business. They do a great disservice to couples.

Find a counselor or therapist who is trained in marital issues. Your individual counselors are not as interested in making your relationship work as they are in your individual functioning, and so place relationship issues secondary. Her IC isn't going to help your relationship, and could hurt it. Same goes for your IC.

You say she is in an emotional affair. That may mean there is something you are not providing that she needs, and so she is getting that/those need(s) met elsewhere. You might want to read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley.

Just a guess on my part, but since you are not married, it could be commitment that she needs from you.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 11-27-2012, 03:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Couples Counseling- Same or Separate

First off, we are apples and oranges. I love her to death but we have very few things in common. In terms of not providing what she needs, i take her for granted and I should have married her this past summer and i did not. On the other hand, i bought our family a house and have sacraficed a lot in my life in order to keep the fam happy.

Biggest mistake was taking her for granted
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 11-28-2012, 05:34 PM
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Re: Couples Counseling- Same or Separate

The counselor is very important. They are human and have failings and bad days. They also bond with people differently and could subconsciously take sides. Seek a mature, experiences, open minded counselor with a focus on getting to the core issues and assisting you make decisions rather than jumping in and judging. I have a great personal counselor for myself and she keeps me strong. Our couple counselor first visit was yesterday and it was a disaster.
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