MC and scheduling the next session - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-18-2012, 09:32 AM Thread Starter
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MC and scheduling the next session

Does anybody else get frustrated at the end of the MC session and your wife and counselor then schedule the next 2 appointments? Ever get the feeling of "when is this going to end?". I feel we are there, but my wife keeps thinking if we stop we will automatically go back to the way we were that got us here. I can't bring up how frustrating this is to me, because then she says that I've got an end goal in mind (resuming sex) and not making a better marriage for the two of us, which isn't completely true.

She says she can't talk to me about when she will be ready, since she says that feels like I'm rushing her which throws her feelings backwards. I don't feel like I need to set up a separate session with our counselor to discuss my issue with this since I feel he is aware of them and that would just be a waste of another $hour.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-19-2012, 08:36 AM Thread Starter
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I guess the question i was trying to ask I'd how do you know when you are done with counseling if your wife doesn't want to talk about it because it frustrates her with you thinking we have become better and it is time time to move on with our marriage?
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-20-2012, 11:38 AM
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Re: MC and scheduling the next session

Well I think first and foremost, if your wife thinks there is still a reason for the two of you to be in counseling, then it's pretty likely there is a reason for you to be too. I can think of no bigger disconnect between two people than one spouse thinking MC is needed and one thinking it isn't.

That said, I think it is reasonable to come up with goals - preferably together, but if needed you can do it as a boundary - for what you need out of MC.

I don't think you should push your wife where she doesn't want to go, but rather something like, "If we haven't resumed our sex life in (your timeframe here), you are either going to have to move out, I will file for divorce, or we come up with an alternate acceptable way to get my sexual needs met."

If you don't do something like that, the therapist will be happy to keep taking your money and your wife will be happy to keep pushing you away, since she apparently is happy without sex.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-20-2012, 11:47 AM
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Re: MC and scheduling the next session

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Originally Posted by TryingandFrustrated View Post
Does anybody else get frustrated at the end of the MC session and your wife and counselor then schedule the next 2 appointments? Ever get the feeling of "when is this going to end?". I feel we are there, but my wife keeps thinking if we stop we will automatically go back to the way we were that got us here. I can't bring up how frustrating this is to me, because then she says that I've got an end goal in mind (resuming sex) and not making a better marriage for the two of us, which isn't completely true.

She says she can't talk to me about when she will be ready, since she says that feels like I'm rushing her which throws her feelings backwards. I don't feel like I need to set up a separate session with our counselor to discuss my issue with this since I feel he is aware of them and that would just be a waste of another $hour.
well maybe not MC. but my wife and I saw a therapist about two month's ago for some things with my daughter. and then had our daughter see a dr. (looking @ behavioral stuff)

dr says daughter is fine.---very normal child
in the therapist meeting I pointed out many things, and the therapist was on my bandwagon big time....saying my wife should lean more towards my style of parenting and the wife has self esteem issues from her father which leads her to not reel in our daughter at times. etc, etc...

anyway, she is still seeing the therapist and wanted me to come today.........now apparently should now mesh our parenting styles (she says this now after meeting with my wife several times after our 1st initial meeting)

my wife goes into these meetings with no agenda/notes or end game in mind.

I go in with notes, looking for responses and helpful tips.

wife has gotten NOTHING from this that I can see.

lol...so yeah, I think it's funny they just like to talk. of course my answer was no thanks, it's a waste of my time...and hers bye the way if she's not getting anything from it.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-20-2012, 04:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MC and scheduling the next session

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Originally Posted by Acorn View Post
Well I think first and foremost, if your wife thinks there is still a reason for the two of you to be in counseling, then it's pretty likely there is a reason for you to be too. I can think of no bigger disconnect between two people than one spouse thinking MC is needed and one thinking it isn't.

That said, I think it is reasonable to come up with goals - preferably together, but if needed you can do it as a boundary - for what you need out of MC.

I don't think you should push your wife where she doesn't want to go, but rather something like, "If we haven't resumed our sex life in (your timeframe here), you are either going to have to move out, I will file for divorce, or we come up with an alternate acceptable way to get my sexual needs met."

If you don't do something like that, the therapist will be happy to keep taking your money and your wife will be happy to keep pushing you away, since she apparently is happy without sex.
I hear what you are stating in your first paragraph in regards to if my wife thinks we should still be in counseling we probably should still be in counseling. Here is a rundown of our last session.

- I assume we are there to discuss how my wife is healing from all of this.

- We then get to the topic of her stating how I was angry/frustrated Sunday morning, but then turned it around later that afternoon. This got us on the topic of what was the cause of this. So, we discussed why I appeared in a bad mood that morning. I don't think that has any relevance on anything, but go along with it.

- Then the topic turns to me being needy and needing to admit it. Because I feel that my wife and I should be having sex again (It's been since Feb), that I'm needy. She has this feeling that if we have sex again, I will go back to treating her like I did and not care for her emotional needs again. I try to say that there is only one way to find out. She doesn't buy that. Her and our MC feel I should be happy and good with not having sex in the past 10 months and not seeing a light as to when we may resume again.

I can't push her or even bring up the subject of resuming our sex life, because then she tells me she feels like I just want her body again and nothing else. It is one big vicious circle. So giving her a deadline will result in nothing but ending the whole thing unfortunately.

Luckily the therapist has finally seen that he feels going to these weekly sessions is just wasting our money and decided that we should do every other week for a bit starting after new years. This just got me fuming after we scheduled the january appointments, because I feel like my wife will do nothing until then because she sees a need for another month plus of counseling.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-20-2012, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MC and scheduling the next session

I also called him up yesterday after our last session and basically told him I didn't think he was doing our marriage any good by appeasing my wife and not telling her/us that we should start resuming our sexual relations. He said "she may not be ready", which I think is just coddling her and dragging this out. He stated he would take it into consideration over the break. If he doesn't do something drastic after the holidays in our next session, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-21-2012, 11:19 AM
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Re: MC and scheduling the next session

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Then the topic turns to me being needy and needing to admit it. Because I feel that my wife and I should be having sex again (It's been since Feb), that I'm needy. She has this feeling that if we have sex again, I will go back to treating her like I did and not care for her emotional needs again. I try to say that there is only one way to find out. She doesn't buy that.
If you ask me, I think the MC is telling you exactly what you need to hear.

You are needy! You are human. You have needs.

If your focus is on whether your wife should be having sex again, then you are barking up the wrong tree. She should have sex again when she is good and ready. It's her body.

If you can admit in counseling that you do in fact need sexual fulfillment, I think you might be surprised where that goes. Now, she has her stated emotional needs being met by you, and your stated sexual needs are not being met at all.

You are in the driver's seat. Does she want to meet your needs too, or should you stop meeting hers? Her call.

That's what I'd do anyway.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-21-2012, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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I have admitted in counseling that I've got a sexual need that isn't being addressed. And for this they feel I'm needy. That is my only complaint. I only bring it up when asked specifically, because otherwise it angers her and we start spiralling downwards that this is the only thing i want from her. We are communicating better and enjoying each others company again, there just isn't any sex back in the relationship.

She has started reading The 5 Love Languages a week ago, but hasn't gotten that far that i can see, so i guess I'll see where that takes her if she finishes that soon and I'd willing to discuss it.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-21-2012, 12:10 PM
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Re: MC and scheduling the next session

Perhaps you could frame it differently. I don't know the whole back story, so I'm just using an random list but...try to describe that a WHOLE relationship to you is 1) trust, 2) communication, 3) sex/intimacy, 4).... It is not all about #3, that is just the part that is missing for you and that if you had to give up everything else just for sex, that wouldn't be acceptable either.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-22-2012, 09:28 AM
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Re: MC and scheduling the next session

Bring this issue up on counseling regarding the fear of having no endpoint/goal. Let the counselor address this.

Drive home your sexual needs (in MC)....not sure how "patient" you have been but there comes a time when you either "sh_t or get off the pot!" (that's what my mom used to say-hehe)

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-23-2012, 04:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MC and scheduling the next session

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Originally Posted by Corpuswife View Post
Bring this issue up on counseling regarding the fear of having no endpoint/goal. Let the counselor address this.

Drive home your sexual needs (in MC)....not sure how "patient" you have been but there comes a time when you either "sh_t or get off the pot!" (that's what my mom used to say-hehe)
Yes, I hear you on bringing it in counseling with both my wife and the counselor. I will definitely do this after the holidays. My only fear is it won't go well. I'm going to see if the counselor heard me when I had a conversation with him after our last session. I'm going to give him the chance to bring it up in our next session (or her next session since she is going to see him on her own after the holidays first since I won't be able to make that session.)

When I get asked the question of my "goal or endpoint", I state that I want us to be happy together, talk, enjoy each other, have both of us look forward to me coming home after work, and have a rewarding, enjoyable sex life. Most of the goals have already been met and I would look forward to coming home if we resumed our sex life and that wall was taken down. She hears this, and gets it in her head that all I want is sex. She feels everything should be perfect without the sex, then the sex will come.
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