Will We Be Reported? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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Will We Be Reported?

I realie the laws are different in different states but I just read the new patient forms for MC and I am a little concerned to tell her these things. In a nutshell...

Been with hubbs since I was 15 (30 now), had first kid at 17, second at 22. He had a serious addiction to xanax and cocaine for many years and beat me (even while preg with baby #2), choked me, held a knife to my throat, raped me... It was really bad! He was never violent with the kids. Got my final protection order 5 years ago and he moved away, went to rehab, got sober and has been awesome since then.

Last month he admitted he was addicted to pain pills for months. He detoxed and is now clean again. He has not gotten violent... but the trust that took years to get back is gone. So we want to go to MC to work through this.

If I tell the MC these things, will she report them? Will he be considered a risk? Thanks for any advice.

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 02:53 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

Unless Social Services were called in and you were ordered to not allow your H near your children, I shouldn't think the MC would see the need to report you. Therapists observe client confidentiality unless there is some sort of serious risk.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 02:56 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

I don't think that there is anything to report. What you mention all happened in the past and you are the only witness, right?
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 03:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

Thank you, both. Yes it is in the past. My concern was his actions while he was using, and the fact that he has recently used. I was worried she may decide we are not safe with him because of it.

Things are complicated... I'm sure they always are! But for instance, he drinks a few beers every night. Doesn't get drunk though. Doesn't do anything wrong. But as an addict (which he will always be), I know that's something she will have an issue with. I guess that as long as he isn't a threat, she won't make a big deal out of it.

Thanks for the help. The questions on that form are going to be tough to answer.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 10:00 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

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Originally Posted by JLann View Post
Thank you, both. Yes it is in the past. My concern was his actions while he was using, and the fact that he has recently used. I was worried she may decide we are not safe with him because of it.

Things are complicated... I'm sure they always are! But for instance, he drinks a few beers every night. Doesn't get drunk though. Doesn't do anything wrong. But as an addict (which he will always be), I know that's something she will have an issue with. I guess that as long as he isn't a threat, she won't make a big deal out of it.

Thanks for the help. The questions on that form are going to be tough to answer.
OP, the MC will see you as a couple who are trying to get help, which is a positive sign. He/she may even suggest special counseling for your H to help keep him drug free.

I hope it all goes well for you both.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 06:16 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

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He had a serious addiction to xanax and cocaine for many years and beat me (even while preg with baby #2), choked me, held a knife to my throat, raped me... It was really bad! He was never violent with the kids.
... you could forgive THAT?!
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 06:21 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

The serious addiction to cocaine and xanax gives him an excuse to beat you up (while you were pregnant no less), rape you at knifepoint, and choke you?

If you're worried his record being somehow blemished by reports of drug abuse, I'm thinking his record is already obliterated by the rape, assault, and attempted murder charges but hey that's just me.

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Originally Posted by JLann View Post
he has recently used. I was worried she may decide we are not safe with him because of it.

he drinks a few beers every night. Doesn't get drunk though. Doesn't do anything wrong. But as an addict (which he will always be), I know that's something she will have an issue with. I guess that as long as he isn't a threat, she won't make a big deal out of it.
Maybe YOU will decide it's not safe to be with this physically abusive attempted murderer drug addict who recently used and continues to drink every night and perhaps you'll realize on your own that an addict drinking every night just "might" be an issue.

Just maybe. It's obviously a long shot.

Otherwise perhaps you WILL lose your children when he flips out again and social services determines that you have placed your children in danger by staying with this guy.

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Originally Posted by JLann View Post
The questions on that form are going to be tough to answer.
For good reason. Think about it.



>

Last edited by sharkeey; 01-21-2013 at 06:28 PM.
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 06:26 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

Wow! Just wow!
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 07:27 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

What I don't understand is why you are even asking this question. What if the answer was, "Yes, the MC will have to report that this man, who did all those things while abusing, is still abusing." Does this mean you won't seek counseling? Does this mean you give him a pass since he doesn't want to suffer the consequences of HIS actions? Do you realize you are helping him rationalize and minimize his behavior, thus enabling him to continue his self destructive behavior? If that's okay with you...

You still feel enough care and concern that you want to sooth his troubles and make things easier for him. We rescuers dig our own graves and the only way to climb out is to realize that when you continually offer a parachute you prevent them from learning a better way to live. Think about it, experience is the best teacher, so when we are denied the experience of learning from our own mistakes we fail to learn.

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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:55 AM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

Quote:
He had a serious addiction to xanax and cocaine for many years and beat me (even while preg with baby #2), choked me, held a knife to my throat, raped me... It was really bad! He was never violent with the kids.
OK, I think this goes beyond a problem with Xanax and Cocaine. Personally, I could never forgive or forget that level of violence.


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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 09:30 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

I am a licensed counselor, though I can only speak on what the laws of confidentiality are for my state (Texas).

The only instances where I can break confidentiality is if I hear of abuse to a child or an elderly person, or if someone is an eminent threat to himself or someone else. I used to work at a domestic violence agency, and we could not call the police for a client if her husband was abusing her, unless she said we could. If she was legally an adult, then the choice was up to her. I could get sued for breaking that confidentiality. That's not to say there weren't times I wanted to call, but legally and ethically my hands were tied.

Good for you for getting the protective order years ago, and I very much hope that your husband has changed his abusive ways. At the same agency I was at, I co-led groups for batterers, so I do believe change is possible there, but it is not easy at all. I hope your husband is one of the few that actually succeeded.

So, all of this to say: I think you are free to answer the questions and your counselor will not be able to report anything. But please do be honest with her or him, because your past is an important part of what you and your husband have been. Don't leave it out of counseling. It needs to be worked through, especially after this latest relapse.

~ChangingMe, former wayward wife
Thankfully still married to DevastatedDad


We cannot start over, but we can begin now, and make a new ending. -Zig Ziglar
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 01:38 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

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I am a licensed counselor, though I can only speak on what the laws of confidentiality are for my state (Texas).

The only instances where I can break confidentiality is if I hear of abuse to a child or an elderly person, or if someone is an eminent threat to himself or someone else. I used to work at a domestic violence agency, and we could not call the police for a client if her husband was abusing her, unless she said we could. If she was legally an adult, then the choice was up to her. I could get sued for breaking that confidentiality. That's not to say there weren't times I wanted to call, but legally and ethically my hands were tied.

Good for you for getting the protective order years ago, and I very much hope that your husband has changed his abusive ways. At the same agency I was at, I co-led groups for batterers, so I do believe change is possible there, but it is not easy at all. I hope your husband is one of the few that actually succeeded.

So, all of this to say: I think you are free to answer the questions and your counselor will not be able to report anything. But please do be honest with her or him, because your past is an important part of what you and your husband have been. Don't leave it out of counseling. It needs to be worked through, especially after this latest relapse.
incorrect.

If you interpret words as such you call. It's your interpretation that matters.

and in that case people should be worried....
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 03:02 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

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incorrect.

If you interpret words as such you call. It's your interpretation that matters.

and in that case people should be worried....
I disagree. Keeping confidentiality is the cornerstone of my profession. No one in the mental health field wants to break confidentiality; we are an outlet for people. We are required by law and our licensing board to break it in very specific instances (i.e., if a client or a specific other person is at risk), but if we do so haphazardly, we can be sued.

It is not my job to interpret or determine anything. If a statement is made that appears to be about abuse, suicidality, or a potential homicide, then I am obligated to ask more questions to assess the situation. Based on those responses, I may or may not have to report these statements to CPS, the police, or an emergency contact (depending on the situation).

In the first session of counseling, a therapist is supposed to discuss the limits of confidentiality with their clients. I do this, and then if, in a session, it appears that a client is about to discuss something that may be reportable, I remind them of these limits. And if they tell me something that does need reporting, then I discuss with them what will have to be done, and ask if they would like for us to report together.

The whole reason why there are limits of confidentiality are to protect people that aren't able to protect themselves. I don't think this should make people be worried about opening up in counseling. If it does, then I would wonder about what things they are keeping to themselves, and who they are trying to protect by not telling.

But going back to the OP original question, since she is an adult and the abuse happened when she was an adult, a counselor would not be able to break confidentiality unless the children were at risk, which it doesn't sound like they are. So the OP shouldn't be worried.

~ChangingMe, former wayward wife
Thankfully still married to DevastatedDad


We cannot start over, but we can begin now, and make a new ending. -Zig Ziglar
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 03:08 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

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I disagree. Keeping confidentiality is the cornerstone of my profession. No one in the mental health field wants to break confidentiality; we are an outlet for people. We are required by law and our licensing board to break it in very specific instances (i.e., if a client or a specific other person is at risk), but if we do so haphazardly, we can be sued.

It is not my job to interpret or determine anything. If a statement is made that appears to be about abuse, suicidality, or a potential homicide, then I am obligated to ask more questions to assess the situation. Based on those responses, I may or may not have to report these statements to CPS, the police, or an emergency contact (depending on the situation).

In the first session of counseling, a therapist is supposed to discuss the limits of confidentiality with their clients. I do this, and then if, in a session, it appears that a client is about to discuss something that may be reportable, I remind them of these limits. And if they tell me something that does need reporting, then I discuss with them what will have to be done, and ask if they would like for us to report together.

The whole reason why there are limits of confidentiality are to protect people that aren't able to protect themselves. I don't think this should make people be worried about opening up in counseling. If it does, then I would wonder about what things they are keeping to themselves, and who they are trying to protect by not telling.

But going back to the OP original question, since she is an adult and the abuse happened when she was an adult, a counselor would not be able to break confidentiality unless the children were at risk, which it doesn't sound like they are. So the OP shouldn't be worried.
"appears to be"....open to interpretation.

your interpretation
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 03:11 PM
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Re: Will We Be Reported?

he has a history of violence
he has drug problems
they have children

could easily be "investigated"....call DCF...whatever.

they will say it's not an accusation...then what the hell is it????


AND I SURE AS HELL AM NOT DEFENDING HIM. Just from what I have read I would be inclined to call.

so, yeah, she should be worried!
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