So my H and I have been seeing a MC for a while now.
We started our first session with giving details of our relationship and then we were asked to state when we feel in love and how we met and really talk about the beginning of our relationship. Then we started talking about what we wanted out of our relationship and what we believed to be our biggest problems.
We were introduced to the Red Hour. It is a time and place thing for us to put complaints into a few min (even though it is called the red hour it is only about fourteen min/ seventeen min. long.)
For the speaker.
1. Is this my stewardship (responsibility)?
2. Ask your self, "Is this true and necessary?"
3. Control your self, emotionally controlled.
4. Ask permission to criticize (other can not say no every time).
5. Do not attack self worth, give awareness, do not attempt to make other feel as bad as self.
6. Affirmation of their worth.
7. Time and place and alone (never do it with others present to over hear or interrupt).
For the listener
1.stop and set ego aside.
2. focus on the message.
3. Evaluate the criticizim (why are they saying this, rather then how they are saying it).
4. Am I willing (look both ways)
5. Parrot, Repeat back what you understand to be confirmed or repeated by speaker.
Switch positions, speaker is now the listener and repeat the steps.
We had a hard time at first but just after a few weeks we are rarely using the Red Hour (we where doing it every night). I feel that we have learned to listen and speak with one another in a healthy way, even about the little things, that felt so big before. It is a great tool and one that we can ask the other for when needed.
Even though my H and I only have a short while of MC under our belts I have seen some big improvements to our relationship and interactions. We are enjoying one another because we have discovered how to communicate our selves and feel heard and understood.
We are far from where we want to be but things are headed in the right direction. We are spending more time together and have really made the once a week date thing stick (we usually get two hours on a date). For me it is nice that our time spent together is fulfilling and not just dealing with our problems, because there is a time and place for that.
I am quicker to realize my emotions and whether or not the offence was really as bad as it feels. I am also more aware of what is making me feel a certain way. I am no longer owned by my emotions and acting in them. I actually step back and think "why am I feeling this way?".
So we are doing better. I know that my goal is to make my marriage what we want it to be, have a healthier relationship with my husband. I am so glad that I did not approach MC as a means to bash my husband for every little thing. We work through things instead of trying to force the other to feel as rotten as we do.
One more thing, I know that my husband wants this too because he is actively participating in MC in that office and out. He is kinder and more willing to talk then ever before. We lucked out finding a good MC from the start.
Sorry just wanted to share some positives of MC and working things out.