Can a counselor ask this? - Talk About Marriage
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  • 1 Post By Left With 4.5
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Can a counselor ask this?

Little backstory: My stbxw had an affair with a coworker for around 5 months. Lied, gas lit, rug swept the whole time, made me feel crazy. I discovered it myself on 12/19/12, exposed everything. Recently filed for divorce but she is asking to attend marriage counseling. I asked for marriage counseling months before I discovered her affair. I gave her two months to either sever contact with posOM or move on.

Funny thing is she admitted to still talking to posOM and has refused to leave her job. Those are deal breakers for me, but since I filed already, I don't see the harm in going to speak with someone, if anything to have a different opinion. If we make progress in the 60 days til the divorce is final, then I can stop it.

My questions is this: I'd assume that the counselor would ask if she was still in contact with posOM. Since the answer is yes, can the counselor say that he/she thinks that my stbxw should find another job?

I posed this question to my stbxw, she said that she'd tell the counselor its not an option. I know I'm not being unreasonable to ask for NC with posOM, but for people who have already gone to rounds of counseling, is it even worth it to try to convince her otherwise?

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 09:12 PM
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Re: Can a counselor ask this?

I don't understand why your wife wants to go marriage counseling if she's still in contact with the OM. Does she want to prove that she 'tried' to save the marriage before it's finalized?
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 10:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can a counselor ask this?

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Originally Posted by Left With 4.5 View Post
I don't understand why your wife wants to go marriage counseling if she's still in contact with the OM. Does she want to prove that she 'tried' to save the marriage before it's finalized?
I'm not sure, it appears that she has started to tell people that "she doesn't want the divorce" and blah blah blah. Victim card all the way. It's very confusing to me because she had no interest in trying to fix anything til I told her I filed.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 10:35 PM
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Re: Can a counselor ask this?

Did you already serve the papers to her? It kinda seems like she didn't think you would go through with your deal breakers. Now that you have already filed, she's stressing because she wanted to cake eat as long as she can.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 10:37 PM
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Re: Can a counselor ask this?

Sigh- save your money on mc if there ever was a false r this is it.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 08:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can a counselor ask this?

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Sigh- save your money on mc if there ever was a false r this is it.
That's what I think too. I'm not falling for her little game of trying to play victim and tell everyone else that "I divorced her so I'm the bad guy" routine. The whole MC thing is so far after the fact that it kind of caught me off guard. I'm just at the point where I want it to be over so I can move on with my life.

It's funny...when this whole ordeal began around August last year, I would've done anything to save my marriage. Now after seeing what kind of person she has become (or maybe who she was all along and I overlooked it)...I'd do anything to get away from her. Its clear to me the only way for her to get away from posOM is for him to hurt her, which will eventually happen. And when it does I'd like to think I'd smile and say "I told you so.", but hopefully at that point I'd have moved on so it won't matter.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 10:44 AM
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Re: Can a counselor ask this?

Make sure YOUR family and HER family know about the POSOM. This is to clear YOUR name.

Make sure YOUR family and HER family understand that POSOM is a co-worker and she has REFUSED to find a new job and admits to STILL talking with him.

Go ahead with the divorce.

Cancel the marriage counseling; wasting everyone's time and your money.

Work on the 180 so you truly will MOVE ON from this screwed-up woman; whether you get to say "I told you so", it merely crosses your mind, of it never even enters your brain.

Good luck on moving forward and finding a happy, healthy relationship, brokendown!
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 10:51 AM
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Re: Can a counselor ask this?

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Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
Make sure YOUR family and HER family know about the POSOM. This is to clear YOUR name.

Make sure YOUR family and HER family understand that POSOM is a co-worker and she has REFUSED to find a new job and admits to STILL talking with him.

Go ahead with the divorce.

Cancel the marriage counseling; wasting everyone's time and your money.

Work on the 180 so you truly will MOVE ON from this screwed-up woman; whether you get to say "I told you so", it merely crosses your mind, of it never even enters your brain.

Good luck on moving forward and finding a happy, healthy relationship, brokendown!


You really need to move on.
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