Re: Reveal emotional abuse?
We spoke last night about our experience in therapy. I relayed my thoughts about how there appears to be a lot of work ahead, mostly with him. (I know, faux pas - I am stuck on seeing him as the problem. When I try to accept his behaviors as "just him," it usually means separating myself to protect myself and then I either don't feel very close to him or he spends more energy telling me how awful I am for separating and it hurts.)
He told me he really doesn't appreciate my saying I've fallen out of love with him, and he doesn't trust that I can restore that. Plus, he wants me to drop my bad attitude about our marriage. I asked plaintively, do you have a good attitude about our marriage?
Then I reminded him that there will be a lot of work ahead, and that I see that we would have to continue the therapy and not try to work it out ourselves. He wasn't sure if we should continue, because it just felt like getting our complaints out onto the table, and not a real program for restoring our marriage. He admitted that he didn't expect that after only the first session.
We had an argument this morning, because he exhibited more of his controlling nature. I am clearly sensitive now, because my feathers were ruffled when he asked for specific details about whether I was coming home before going out with my friend. I reminded him of the overall plan, then described what my plan was for that piece. Then I said, why do you ask? He answered sarcastically, I'm still in your life, you know. And I left it at that.
When I came downstairs, he said, are you mad at me? I said no. He said, but you're acting strange. Something's wrong. So, I said that I didn't like the feeling that he was asking for every detail, like he has in the past, needing me to text back immediately, to tell him where/when/who/ et cetera for every action I go through in the day. Then he got mad, said I was making a mountain out of a molehill and that I should think carefully about what I am saying.
I told him that he is discrediting my feelings and making it more than it is. I wasn't even going to talk about it. Perhaps in therapy. He apologized but said that if he does what I ask, he won't know anything at all about what I am doing and where I am, and that we'll have separate lives. I asked, do you want separate lives? He said that he'll let me know.
Pretty drastic. I am sincerely hesitant to continue counseling with him, because it really will be a long row to hoe, especially when I think he is too extreme and not listening to me.
I believe I understand where he's coming from. He wants to feel connected, to not feel worried about my safety. I already tell him about where I'm going and what I'm doing. So when he pushes for even more info, I get my back up. But does he understand where I am coming from?