Reveal emotional abuse? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-15-2013, 06:14 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Re: Reveal emotional abuse?

Originally Posted by rainbow12 View Post
We decided to move forward with this counselor, who made us feel comfortable about the first session and trusting that the future sessions would be equally as productive.

Then she ran into scheduling issues, combined with a health condition (details not revealed to us). Referred us to another counselor. What a bummer.

Interestingly, the therapist she recommended specializes in alcohol addiction. Now we're debating going to her. It's amazing how few couples therapists are taking on new clients. The demand is greater than the supply!
Having to switch counselors might be a blessing in disguise.

I'm undecided on which pants to wear today -- smarty, fancy or sassy?
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post #32 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-22-2013, 04:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Reveal emotional abuse?

Okay, so the referred therapist can't fit us in unless we can meet during working hours. She referred us to another.

See the new one on Tuesday, and she says she can reserve future appointments for us. YAY!! (I guess...)
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post #33 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 06:58 AM
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Re: Reveal emotional abuse?

Originally Posted by rainbow12 View Post
We went to our couples counseling, and now I'm trying to decide if I think it is worth it to me to go again.

I spoke my truth, which I am very happy about.

The main messages I got from the therapist were: 1) he may feel more loved if I really listen to his gripes, but I don't have to agree with them. Just listen more instead of figuratively saying la la la, I can't hear you!; 2) it may be a deal-breaker that in order for me to feel good in the marriage I need it to be about two individuals that are interdependent versus one soul. My husband wants it to return to the one soul relationship; 3) Adults have conditional love, and we're lucky if our mothers give us unconditional love (my husband needs me to give him unconditional love - as defined by him - although he couldn't explain it except to say that I don't give it to him anymore. I repeated that my conditions are, when forced to address his complaint: that we are not miserable (which we are right now), and that he switches from functioning drunk to full-on drunk (he still takes care of himself, and is pretty physically healthy overall). I have a feeling that his conditions are that I am protesting against all of his unsolicited advice, criticism, judgement - and that I separate from him when he is drinking a lot and exhibiting this behavior.
mention of Unconditional Love = Red Flag for emotionally abused person

This is how abusers manipulate, to make you feel like YOU are not doing enough to love them. It is your fault, if you are a Christian it will cause guilt and feelings of inadequacy because YOU are not living a life like Christ which will lead to feelings of shame which ends up amounting to EMOTIONAL ABUSE!

God loves you unconditionally right? Correct. BUT God does not love everything you do and does not give you a free pass to lie, manipulate or hurt others.

Your therapist sounds like a nightmare and abusers who don't give a damn about you do not usually change with therapy.

You are not to blame! He does not feel loved because you are not doing something right so he abuses? Unacceptable. You should make him feel more loved so he doesn't abuse?

Therapist you are fired.

I agree other posters, the alcohol and substance abuse must be addressed and removed before you can solve any issues with this person.

Good luck, I hope you find other people who can give you a supportive healthy perspective on helping yourself in "real" life outside of the Internet in addition to this site.
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post #34 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-12-2013, 10:55 PM
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Re: Reveal emotional abuse?

I see him as being the culprit, however much I am trying to acknowledge that I have played the victim role.
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post #35 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-13-2013, 04:57 PM
Join Date: Nov 2012
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Re: Reveal emotional abuse?

Hope you wouldn't consider me butting in...

My Dad had alcohol abuse (high functioning alcoholic) and Mother suffered severely from this. Does your h/ or OH, does he have any history of using prostitutes/having affairs? Drink and women seem to go hand in hand.....(though mine does not drink)

Amazing that you're so best wishes for the positive outcome from this therapy.

It's funny that my h is asking for unconditional love that I should accept him seeing a prostitute. When your h needs unconditional love, he's not taking a responsibility. Mine is the same.

Is it a case of "you two still love each other in some ways though in other ways, you don't love each other"? If so, this is a very unhappy, difficult situation to say the least.
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post #36 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-14-2013, 09:38 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Re: Reveal emotional abuse?

Rainbow, work the steps, then make a decision about staying vs leaving. I bet your approach will feel more solid to you then.

Also, don't be surprised if the therapist refuses to see him if he shows up drunk or buzzed beyond a comfortable (treatable) point. Not having clarity enough to sit through a session without being drunk might indicate to the therapist that treating the drinking has to happen before MC does. Frankly, that might be best any way. His motives, values and decision-making are all impaired.

Did you quit on your own, OP, or via recovery program?

Edited because I missed a page...
Find a therapist who specializes in abuse, for yourself. You can find one at your local domestic violence center, usually for free on on a sliding scale. He wants to be your puppy or child, not your husband, and it looks like he really wants you to change back to catering to his disease and poor behavior. No dice.
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