We went to our couples counseling, and now I'm trying to decide if I think it is worth it to me to go again.
I spoke my truth, which I am very happy about.
The main messages I got from the therapist were: 1) he may feel more loved if I really listen to his gripes, but I don't have to agree with them. Just listen more instead of figuratively saying la la la, I can't hear you!; 2) it may be a deal-breaker that in order for me to feel good in the marriage I need it to be about two individuals that are interdependent versus one soul. My husband wants it to return to the one soul relationship; 3) Adults have conditional love, and we're lucky if our mothers give us unconditional love (my husband needs me to give him unconditional love - as defined by him - although he couldn't explain it except to say that I don't give it to him anymore. I repeated that my conditions are, when forced to address his complaint: that we are not miserable (which we are right now), and that he switches from functioning drunk to full-on drunk (he still takes care of himself, and is pretty physically healthy overall). I have a feeling that his conditions are that I am protesting against all of his unsolicited advice, criticism, judgement - and that I separate from him when he is drinking a lot and exhibiting this behavior.
mention of Unconditional Love = Red Flag for emotionally abused person
This is how abusers manipulate, to make you feel like YOU are not doing enough to love them. It is your fault, if you are a Christian it will cause guilt and feelings of inadequacy because YOU are not living a life like Christ which will lead to feelings of shame which ends up amounting to EMOTIONAL ABUSE!
God loves you unconditionally right? Correct. BUT God does not love everything you do and does not give you a free pass to lie, manipulate or hurt others.
Your therapist sounds like a nightmare and abusers who don't give a damn about you do not usually change with therapy.
You are not to blame! He does not feel loved because you are not doing something right so he abuses? Unacceptable. You should make him feel more loved so he doesn't abuse?
Therapist you are fired.
I agree other posters, the alcohol and substance abuse must be addressed and removed before you can solve any issues with this person.
Good luck, I hope you find other people who can give you a supportive healthy perspective on helping yourself in "real" life outside of the Internet in addition to this site.