Husband refuses counselling... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-01-2013, 01:38 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Husband refuses counselling...

My husband and I have been having troubles in our 6 year relationship, 3 year marriage...

We have been to counselling a few times and now he refuses. Our last therapist "caught him" saying hurtful things to me and mentioned what he was doing wrong.... so now he won't go again.

He says he doesn't want to be told what he's doing wrong again. I have been going on my own and it's just not enough. He needs to do his part too...

We have not been successful in communicating on our own and I really want to work through our issues...

Anyone have any suggestions or experience with this? How do I get him to go again so we can work things out?

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-01-2013, 10:02 AM
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Re: Husband refuses counselling...

My husband also refused counseling. He had a prior marriage that resulted in divorce and his experiences with MC were very negative. We were very close to divorcing a few months ago. My husband was depressed and angry and self-medicating with pot and alcohol. I was having an emotional affair. We were both angry and resentful and just about done with a 25-year relationship.

What saved us? I wrote my husband a very honest letter telling him just how I felt and asked for his help in saving our marriage. I ended my emotional affair. I also asked my husband to attend a marriage workshop in a nearby city as a last ditch effort. I think we were both completely surprised that it worked. We left that workshop with real hope for the future. I can PM you the name of the workshop we attended if you wish.

I have learned that any marriage can be broken. I have also learned that any marriage can be fixed. You both have be willing to put in some work.

If your husband truly wants to save your marriage and is open to at least doing some reading, I highly recommend John Gottman's "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". It is excellent and was used heavily in the workshop my husband and I attended. We are employing many of the principles detailed in the book to rebuild our relationship. So far, so good.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-05-2013, 11:37 AM
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Re: Husband refuses counselling...

This helped us a lot with communication. Marriage Help Program For Couples
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-05-2013, 12:06 PM
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Re: Husband refuses counselling...

In my view a marriage counsellor should never tell you what you are doing wrong but what you could be doing better.

It is their job to guide you toward healthier forms of communication. Explain to your husband that you thought "perhaps" the counsellor could have explained it in away that empowered him rather than belittled. Then explain what the counsellor was trying to say was that you needed to hear more ________ from him.

We can all do better don't you think?


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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-17-2013, 01:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband refuses counselling...

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Originally Posted by LifeIsAJourney View Post
What saved us? I wrote my husband a very honest letter telling him just how I felt and asked for his help in saving our marriage.
Well, the pain continues in our marriage and we are a bit closer, but farther away from each other. We have exchanged letters, and now nothing. He hasn't replied to what I said and I did ask for his help.

He has agreed to go to counseling "one last time" so I have just made the call to begin.

I just can't talk to him anymore without him walking away and deciding he's done without listening to how I feel or what I have to say.

We both have time away from home coming up over the next few weeks and I am not sure how to hang in there until we start counseling. I don't know how much to expect from a one hour session we might have in a couple of weeks, especially if he won't even talk to me now.

Any suggestions?
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-17-2013, 11:15 AM
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Re: Husband refuses counselling...

I was the one ready to walk in my marriage. I was D-O-N-E, done. A one-hour session with a marriage counselor would not have been much help at that point but my husband and I agreed to give it one last shot before calling it quits.

We went to a 3-day marriage workshop run by the Family Dynamics Institute called "A New Beginning". The organizers state a 75% success rate. It isn't cheap (around $2K) but they offer payment plans and will work with you if you can't afford it.

The workshop is based on the work of a number of popular programs: John Gottman's 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work, Willard Harley's His Needs/Her Needs. And even a DiSC personality profile was included. The weekend was very beneficial in getting us started down the right path and it was a heck of a lot cheaper than a divorce after 20+ years of marriage. We are talking and working through our issues. Things aren't perfect but they have improved to the point that we both feel we have a future together.

Here's what convinced me to go to the workshop: even if it didn't work to save my marriage, it would be well worth it in terms of what to do (and what not to do) to make any future relationship successful.

Good luck to you aquajay.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-17-2013, 02:33 PM
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Re: Husband refuses counselling...

Quote:
Originally Posted by aquajay View Post

He says he doesn't want to be told what he's doing wrong again. I have been going on my own and it's just not enough. He needs to do his part too...
Anyone have any suggestions or experience with this? How do I get him to go again so we can work things out?
I would of react the same if someone told me what I'm doing is wrong. I don't think so it's the role of a counselor to judge someone.
Did you ever hear of Relationship coaching?

Here' s a good a article on the subject, give it a shot!

How relationship coaching can help me!?


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