Marriage counseling - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Experiences in Counseling Have you been through professional marriage or relationship counseling? Are you considering it? This section is for topics related to seeing a therapist.

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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-17-2013, 12:22 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

I think it depends on the couples willingness to look at themselves and finding the right therapist.

In our case, no it didn't help.

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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-18-2013, 03:18 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

I have noticed a disturbing misperception on TAM (and elsewhere) about what the purpose of MC is, and that could greatly affect whether or not you see it as a success.

A lot of people and/or their spouses seem to expect that going to a marriage counselor is like going before "Judge Judy" (for the non-Americans on here, Judge Judy is a show where a former judge resolves civil disputes between people. She often insults the people standing in her court - although many deserve it). I think a lot of the spouses who resist going to MC, avoid it for that reason, including my own wife.

The purpose of the counselor isn't to sit there and arbitrate the arguments and tell the couple that one of them is right and the other is wrong. They are there to figure out strategies so the couple can live happier and in peace.

In our case, the MC did help us a small amount, but that small amount was WELL worth it.
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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-19-2013, 10:36 AM
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Re: Marriage counseling

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Originally Posted by three little monkeys View Post
I certainly think that MC can work if the counselor is a good fit for both spouses and both spouses really want things to work out.
I couldn't help chiming in and maybe giving a little perspective from the other side of the therapy room.

1. I do think that the most important thing when trying to strengthen or heal a marriage is that the husband and wife are both willing to change and both want the marriage to work. While I believe it is possible for one person to make a difference in their relationship, successful change is much more possible and quicker when both spouses are invested in the relationship.

2. You cannot go to marriage counseling thinking that the counselor will solve all of your problems. You are still the one who has to solve the problems. The therapist can offer suggestions or make observations about interactions between the two of you, but ultimately, you are responsible for changing yourself and solving your problems.

3. Having a good fit is a must. It is my opinion that you will know if the counselor will be a good fit after the second session (and sometimes even after the first). When seeking a counselor, I would suggest interviewing the therapist to see if he or she will be a good fit for you and your spouse. If you are looking for a marriage counselor, here are some things to consider:
Signs of a good Marriage Counselor

Brian, Marriage Counselor
My Counseling Webpage (for California and Utah Residents)
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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 05-02-2013, 05:30 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

I am new to this forum. Can someone list the books that I should read?

Also, how do you find a good counselor? I have searched online and found at least a dozen in my area, but how do I know if they are good counselors?
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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 05-02-2013, 05:38 PM
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Marriage counseling

What issues are you having?
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post #21 of 35 (permalink) Old 05-02-2013, 06:37 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

my husband was having an EA. i posted the details over in the coping with infidelity forum.
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post #22 of 35 (permalink) Old 05-02-2013, 10:11 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

It didn't work for me. but it can if both partners "want" to be there and one hasn't totally given up already on the marriage without giving the effort to save it.
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post #23 of 35 (permalink) Old 05-16-2013, 03:23 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

The STBXW and I went to counseling after she trickle truthed her EA. We went every week (once, after a good session we took two weeks) and it was up and down.

What i didn't realize until just last week (what i didn't have evidence of, i'll say) was that while she was in MC she was continuing the EA and it probably became a PA. I was so frustrated, upset, angry during the last sessions (because i knew she was lying about txt'ing OM) that we just screamed at each other. She'd moved out by then...

The only point i'm making is that, in hindsight, i realize that just showing up to MC doesn't mean anything. The MC could have been better IMO too; she kept repeating that because both of us showed up we were interested in getting better. Total bull2h1t.
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post #24 of 35 (permalink) Old 05-22-2013, 12:16 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

The MC themselves dont save the marriage, they just give you the tools needed to do it, basically just communication skills and helping work out tough issues in a safe and calm environment, especially for people who have extreme personalities, either shutting down completely or exploding and leaving the room during difficult talks.

Also, MC itself is a good test of the quality of the marriage. if you recommend MC and your spouse says "yeah sure lets give it a try" that means they are willing to admit their is a problem and they actually want to fix the marriage. if they say "no way, thats stupid" and refuse to go they are in denial or have no desire to fix the marriage.
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post #25 of 35 (permalink) Old 07-08-2013, 01:54 AM
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Re: Marriage counseling

Marriage counseling will only work if you and your partner believe on it and if you really want it.

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post #26 of 35 (permalink) Old 07-08-2013, 02:00 AM
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Re: Marriage counseling

Quote:
Originally Posted by palmettostate View Post
I am new to this forum. Can someone list the books that I should read?

Also, how do you find a good counselor? I have searched online and found at least a dozen in my area, but how do I know if they are good counselors?
Where you from? If you are from Lexington, I would like to recommend Rev. Bob Ross. He has over thirty years experience helping couples strengthen their marriages. You can check his site at www.anchorcounseling.com. You can also try reading his book "My Marriage Manual".
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post #27 of 35 (permalink) Old 07-23-2013, 10:58 AM
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Re: Marriage counseling

Quote:
Originally Posted by Theseus View Post
I have noticed a disturbing misperception on TAM (and elsewhere) about what the purpose of MC is, and that could greatly affect whether or not you see it as a success.

A lot of people and/or their spouses seem to expect that going to a marriage counselor is like going before "Judge Judy" (for the non-Americans on here, Judge Judy is a show where a former judge resolves civil disputes between people. She often insults the people standing in her court - although many deserve it). I think a lot of the spouses who resist going to MC, avoid it for that reason, including my own wife.

The purpose of the counselor isn't to sit there and arbitrate the arguments and tell the couple that one of them is right and the other is wrong. They are there to figure out strategies so the couple can live happier and in peace.

In our case, the MC did help us a small amount, but that small amount was WELL worth it.
Yes, I agree with you. My wife & I went for round three of counselling after being together for 5 years after having done it twice before with separate counsellors. In the past I think we had it right in terms of going to have someone give us insight into how to communicate better with each other.

Sadly, this time around it was her intention to seek justification for resentment she felt. She said she wanted to know if she was being "unreasonable" (aka wanting to hear "no, you're not being unreasonable ... he is") I went to one session that was essentially an "ambush" by her, bringing up issues and laying blame for topics that we had both agreed were resolved months or even years ago.

A real shame because this counsellor appeared far superior to the others we had seen.

I won't be going back, but that's not the counsellors fault. As many have already said, it's the work that both parties are wanting and willing to do. Both need to be prepared to hear things that they might want to hear and both need to be willing to follow the advice of the counsellor. Both need to be committed to working towards a better relationship. If they are not, IMO it is time and money wasted.
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post #28 of 35 (permalink) Old 10-12-2013, 10:55 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

I should add that not only I read the books. My husband has also at least read most of the books he's not a big reader.
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post #29 of 35 (permalink) Old 10-13-2013, 05:12 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

My philosophy on therapy is that you will get back what you put into it.
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post #30 of 35 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 01:51 AM
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Re: Marriage counseling

In every relationship, there are ups and downs and it needs right back up at the needed time for the lasting relationships. When there are constant fights and outrageous instances, people can approach the notable marriage counseler who can provide the ideal solutions which help the couples greatly.
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