Marriage counseling - Talk About Marriage
Experiences in Counseling Have you been through professional marriage or relationship counseling? Are you considering it? This section is for topics related to seeing a therapist.

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post #1 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2013, 08:26 PM Thread Starter
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Marriage counseling

Does marriage counseling actually work? Success stories and failures please?

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post #2 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2013, 08:30 PM
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Marriage counseling

I have been going since September and honestly I don't think the therapist was responsible for saving my marriage. The books I read helped so much you would not believe. We still go to see her twice a month anyway because I feel that it helps. Not sure if I could articulate why I believe this is so.

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post #3 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2013, 08:33 PM
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Marriage counseling

I should add that not only I read the books. My husband has also at least read most of the books he's not a big reader.

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post #4 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2013, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Marriage counseling

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I have been going since September and honestly I don't think the therapist was responsible for saving my marriage. The books I read helped so much you would not believe. We still go to see her twice a month anyway because I feel that it helps. Not sure if I could articulate why I believe this is so.
Does your husband read the books as well? Is he fully participating in the counseling?
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post #5 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2013, 08:46 PM
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Marriage counseling

Yes, saving our marriage was much important to him than it was me. He did not do as much reading as I did. The Five Love Languages was especially helpful to us both. And the ILYBNILWY book was very insightful. It helped me to see what went wrong years ago. We will be married 22 years next month.

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post #6 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2013, 08:48 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

Success or failure ......I'm guessing you consider if the marriage stays intact that means it's a success? That's not how I'd view counseling or the outcome of a relationship.

My husband and I saw a therapist for a few sessions when we were in the thick of it. We didn't go with the intention of trying to stay together or necessarily to part either. It was about understanding and learning and being open to the outcome. I'll say it did help me to slow my thinking. We both learned a lot about ourselves and with time, further understanding of each other. We are still married and continuing to grow with one another. I'm doubtful we would have reached that point without the help of a therapist... but it comes down to us, as individuals to change our actions and behaviors, as well as working together. Even if our outcome for the relationship was different, I still would have learned from it. For me/us it was useful.

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post #7 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2013, 08:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Marriage counseling

Thanks for the replies thus far
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post #8 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-07-2013, 07:32 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoriC View Post
I have been going since September and honestly I don't think the therapist was responsible for saving my marriage. The books I read helped so much you would not believe. We still go to see her twice a month anyway because I feel that it helps. Not sure if I could articulate why I believe this is so.
I agree. Everyone is different, but the attitude you have going in can make a huge difference. We both went into it wanting to save our marriage and not try and blame each other. We've been married 33 years and we didn't have the time to try dredge up 3 decades of wrongs and faults (and there are a lot!!). I too have read a lot and that has helped immensely as has my religious faith. We ran out of issues to talk about and now only see him once in awhile and at church. We needed to go, but that's not what saved my marriage.

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." - Thomas Szasz
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post #9 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-07-2013, 08:13 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

MC saved not only our marriage but me. What started out as MC quickly turned to IC for me. That was in year 7 and it was either that or divorce as I was ready to walk.

We're at year 21 now and we are happy.
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post #10 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-07-2013, 08:46 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

MC worked on our marriage too.
At year three there was resentment and misunderstandings on either side.
We had couples sessions and single sessions.
In all fairness, the marriage councillor was a professional therapist and a very good friend of mine.
She helped me sort out some of my personal issues, and see things from my wife's perspective.
We are nearing 18 years.
So it worked, and is still working.


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post #11 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-07-2013, 09:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Marriage counseling

Awesome replies. Thanks
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post #12 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-09-2013, 05:34 PM
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Marriage counseling

Our mc after my ex wife's affair slowly destroyed what little we had and finally left me as low as I have ever been.

I could not recommend it as the risk of finding a misandrist is greater than the chance of success.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...tml#post878589
My story (well, what I knew at the time ):
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post #13 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-09-2013, 06:04 PM
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Re: Marriage counseling

We have done it and stopped it. Our therapist was off track and no longer helping, I think the most valuable aspect of it is to be fearless, determined and persistent about communicating. Once the "method" of communicating is established it is easy enough to continue it. So I guess for us it was an ice breaker. 27 blissful and tempestuous years.
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post #14 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-16-2013, 10:32 PM
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Marriage counseling

My h and I ended up in counseling after we had been married less than two years.
Looking back I can't believe how I was acting, but based on my childhood and my first marriage I had a lot of really bad fears about him that made me nutty.
We both needed to change some things and the MC helped us to see that.
I had a lot of overwhelming stressful things happen to me all in one year and felt like I was going to lose my mind.

It was really hard work but it brought us closer together. At times I felt like she was taking his side because they have similar personalities.
I was convinced that some of his actions had been taken out of a place of manipulation and deceit. She actually told me in IC that she thinks he's a great guy and honest and just wants to make me happy.
I guess I needed to hear it from a professional.
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post #15 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-17-2013, 11:31 AM
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Re: Marriage counseling

I certainly think that MC can work if the counselor is a good fit for both spouses and both spouses really want things to work out. My wife and I saw a counselor a few years back and things just didn't click with that therapist. The same issues continued (no infidelity or abuse just fighting and intimacy issues) and I found another therapist about a year and a half ago and we are still going weekly to work on our issues. Some repressed childhood abuse issues started to surface with my wife and this has really shed some light on our issues and opened things up.
So things didn't work out with the first therapist but the second one (years later) was a much better fit and we have made some real progress in our issues and communication as well as dealing with these past abuse issues. I'm definitely an advocate of MC at this time but you have to find the right counselor and both parties need to want to work on the marriage.
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