Am I in Marriage Counseling or Individual Counseling with my wife? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Experiences in Counseling Have you been through professional marriage or relationship counseling? Are you considering it? This section is for topics related to seeing a therapist.

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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 11-19-2013, 04:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I in Marriage Counseling or Individual Counseling with my wife?

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Originally Posted by imhisbeautifuldisaster View Post
How did your talk go last night?
Well, I was hoping to come here with some good news. But.. I didn't get a chance to have the talk last night. After I got home from work she went out shopping last night and didn't get home till late. No time to talk unfortunately. And today her mom came into town for a week, so I will have to see if we have any time alone in the next week. I don't really want to have the conversation in the bedroom because if it doesn't go well she will tell me that I did what I can't stand her doing. She has this way of starting a discussion/argument right before bed. That pretty much guarantees neither of us will go to bed not mad.

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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 11-19-2013, 05:47 PM
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Well good luck when you are able to have a talk with her. I hope she is able to see your points and have an open mind about what you have to say.

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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 11:19 AM
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Re: Am I in Marriage Counseling or Individual Counseling with my wife?

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We've been in counseling for 13 months now. I think he should name the addition to his office after us.
Sorry your post made me laugh as I'm feeling the same thing! been in counselling for 6 months, individual , and MC, so that works out to probably 6 sessions/month... i think our therapist could soon just sign her mortgage over to us.

I wonder what people do who don't have an extra grand/month to devote to MC... maybe they just get on with life.
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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 11:22 AM
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Re: Am I in Marriage Counseling or Individual Counseling with my wife?

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MC is invalidating your feelings as a man and sounds like it's not helping her connect with you, either. If she insists on going, go to someone else.

I highly recommend the book The Secrets Of Happily Married Men. There is a counterpart for women, too, but your wife may not read it.
Yeah I agree, my H and I go to different therapists... it's very helpful. Though my therapist is our MC, it is useful that my h goes to a different therapist. That way we can fund two mortgages. ha ha.
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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 11:38 AM
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Re: Am I in Marriage Counseling or Individual Counseling with my wife?

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She sees my need for sex and intimacy as me just wanting her for her body, not for seeing her as "her". This is because I've actually got a sex drive I guess. Things started to get better and she felt that meeting my needs once a month was OK, as long as I met her emotional needs all the time. I brought this up, and things went a bit downhill again after that. I got the whole "you don't see me for me, but only for my body" speech again. I'm supposed to be happy having my needs met when she is in the mood once a month or whenever it is. She won't seem to make an effort to try and get in the mood when I'd like some intimacy or want to.

I'm going to try and talk about this again and hope it doesn't blow up into the same old thing it always does.
I can relate to this. There came a point for me where sex became sex and it became a chore. My h would only touch me or come close to me in bed and frankly it would piss me off. He never says "wow you look great today", hugs me, kisses me etc... outside of the bedroom. So finally after awhile it started to piss me off. He also never organized any date nights or put any effort into our relationship as a couple. It seemed as long as we were roommates, and parents, with a bit of sex in the bedroom, to him that was a good marriage. Till I checked out of the marriage.

My h also never talks about his feelings at all, and I realized that if someone doesn't talk about their feelings then you really don't know them. That doesn't mean I want him to sit down daily and cry on my shoulder, I just want anything... like "I felt crappy today at work because..... " or anything.

I am looking for him to love me as a person and a woman, not as the person who is a parenting partner and roommate. But he doesn't seem to get it.

My guess is she doesn't want to have sex because she resents that she'd be fulfilling your needs when she feels that her needs were not met. I don't think sex is a need as much as something that you share as part of your intimate relationship. I don't think sex is something you "give" to another person to fulfill their need for sex.

Perhaps you think you are fulfilling her needs but really aren't? I know this has been a problem for us. My H thinks he has been extremely supportive of me all these years, but I have felt abandoned and alone because he has been supporting me the way he thinks he should (supporting my career), and not the way I wanted to be supported (as a person and a wife) .
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post #21 of 22 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 10:43 AM
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Re: Am I in Marriage Counseling or Individual Counseling with my wife?

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not the way I wanted to be supported (as a person and a wife) .
Maybe I'm reading you wrong, but you seem somewhat dismissive of sex in this post. Why do you think sex is a lesser thing than how you want to be supported in terms of feeling fulfilled in a relationship?

Regarding how you want to be supported as a person and a wife, what does that mean? What specifically are you asking of him? This is a common phrasing, but I'm a guy and when I read things like that... I don't come away with any knowledge as to what you actually want. I'm not a woman.

Men are mostly procedural. Do x to get y. Rational. Many of us don't engage with emotional motivations. There's not much conscious thought given to emotion honestly. We need procedures. ie... I do xyz because it makes the relationship fulfilling for her. I don't think most of us are lovey dovey.

So what specifically are you asking him to do, that will make you feel fulfilled? Have you told him and does he do them? The more vague you phrase it, the less likely you are to get it.
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post #22 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 07:03 AM
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Re: Am I in Marriage Counseling or Individual Counseling with my wife?

This lady is speaking the truth. This sentence is pure gold, trust me.

"My guess is she doesn't want to have sex because she resents that she'd be fulfilling your needs when she feels that her needs were not met."

Have you studied the 5 love languages yet? It seems you may be speaking different languages. On a separate note, your situation is very similar to mine. The W and I have spent several years in MC but it usually ends the same way until recently. Trust me when I say, "You have the wrong counselor!" So many of them (4+) were too nice and they enabled the W. Honestly she had 150 difficult hurdles and tasks each session and mine were single digit. They were too nice to look the W straight in the eyes and say Fix your **** or quit playing games. You need a direct, blunt, nearly abrasive MC that's not afraid to call either spouse out for any BS they are trying to play.
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