Originally Posted by TryingandFrustrated View Post
She sees my need for sex and intimacy as me just wanting her for her body, not for seeing her as "her". This is because I've actually got a sex drive I guess. Things started to get better and she felt that meeting my needs once a month was OK, as long as I met her emotional needs all the time. I brought this up, and things went a bit downhill again after that. I got the whole "you don't see me for me, but only for my body" speech again. I'm supposed to be happy having my needs met when she is in the mood once a month or whenever it is. She won't seem to make an effort to try and get in the mood when I'd like some intimacy or want to.
I'm going to try and talk about this again and hope it doesn't blow up into the same old thing it always does.
I can relate to this. There came a point for me where sex became sex and it became a chore. My h would only touch me or come close to me in bed and frankly it would piss me off. He never says "wow you look great today", hugs me, kisses me etc... outside of the bedroom. So finally after awhile it started to piss me off. He also never organized any date nights or put any effort into our relationship as a couple. It seemed as long as we were roommates, and parents, with a bit of sex in the bedroom, to him that was a good marriage. Till I checked out of the marriage.
My h also never talks about his feelings at all, and I realized that if someone doesn't talk about their feelings then you really don't know them. That doesn't mean I want him to sit down daily and cry on my shoulder, I just want anything... like "I felt crappy today at work because..... " or anything.
I am looking for him to love me as a person and a woman, not as the person who is a parenting partner and roommate. But he doesn't seem to get it.
My guess is she doesn't want to have sex because she resents that she'd be fulfilling your needs when she feels that her needs were not met. I don't think sex is a need as much as something that you share as part of your intimate relationship. I don't think sex is something you "give" to another person to fulfill their need for sex.
Perhaps you think you are fulfilling her needs but really aren't? I know this has been a problem for us. My H thinks he has been extremely supportive of me all these years, but I have felt abandoned and alone because he has been supporting me the way he thinks he should (supporting my career), and not the way I wanted to be supported (as a person and a wife) .