Lost and confused - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-13-2013, 10:52 PM Thread Starter
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Lost and confused

Have been married for 9 years, together for 11 and husband left 5 nights ago. We have been having some issues since our son was born 2 1/2 years ago. It was a difficult and emotional pregnancy followed by myself becoming depressed and having severe anxiety and letting it go untreated for over a year. We grew apart and there was no intimacy in our marriage for 8 months due to my depression and his new work hours. We had a falling out 6 months ago in January due to my anxiety and fear of losing him, where he said he was not happy and was not in love with me. We attended marriage counseling twice and I have been attending individual therapy regularly with medication. We did well for about 6 weeks when he again said he was unhappy and wanted to leave. I turned into the husband stalker and was hacking into his emails and phone. And was texting him and telling him I loved 1,000 times a day. We had become intimate again, but I wanted way too much and he said I was smothering him. We just returned from a vacation to visit his family and while looking through pictures of our vacation on his phone I came across a secret app with messages to a woman. They were work related but ended with "I love you". When I confronted him, he said she was just a friend. Now he is staying at said "friend's" house on the "couch". He says he loves me but he is "not happy". He has come home almost daily to see our son, we eat dinner together, and have even gone out to dinner and for family activities. I have an appointment with a family counselor and he said if I wanted him to he would go also, after my first appointment. I am devastated and continue to push him away with my tears and pleading and angry accusations. Please give me some advice, I truly do love him! Our wedding bands say "mo Anam cara" which translates to "my soul mate" in Gaelic.

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-17-2013, 10:23 PM
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Re: Lost and confused

Hi, I am sorry you are here, but here's the reality. He is having an affair. You don't tell opposite sex friends i love you in secret, the i love you but am not in love with you is another, classic sign, plus being distant with you because he is focusing his attention on her.

And I would not trust for one second that he is sleeping on the couch. You should post in the coping with infidelity as you will get lots of good advice, some may be harsh, but its coming from seasoned vets in this that see it all the time. Listen to them. I would also suggest buy a voice activated recorder and placing it in his vehicle. You'll have your proof when you do.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-27-2013, 09:47 AM
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Re: Lost and confused

Hi, sorry you are going through this. Consider that some people just don't know how to break up properly.

Read the following links as they may help you.


Just Let Them Go

As hard as the advice on the links are to adhere to I would add others have tried them with success.

Good luck.

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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 11:14 AM
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Re: Lost and confused

It sounds like he has lost respect for you but still loves you and your son. The first year of a child's life is pretty hard on any marriage. I think the best thing you could do is stop pleading, but if he's willing to go for therapy that's a first step!

But in the mean time maybe it'd help instead of pleading with him, just say "I understand that you need some time"... though it still irks me that men can just walk away when they need time, and we are left with the kids. Maybe you could ask him to stay with your son for a few days while you go away for a girl's weekend away? it will show him that you are not sitting at home waiting for him to return.

Just a thought.
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