http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ Join the largest community on the web for marriage and relationship advice. en Tue, 21 May 2013 04:58:27 GMT vBulletin 120 http://cdn.talkaboutmarriage.net/images/styles/marriage/misc/rss.jpg http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ http://talkaboutmarriage.com/politics-religion/78082-church-hipocrisy.html Tue, 21 May 2013 04:37:04 GMT To me - not all - but many many church goers use the house of worship as a place to go and feel holy & good about themselves on Sundays, and then fall right back into their sin of choice the other 6 days of the week. And I used to be one of them for several years and always felt like a hipocrite after doing so, but since about 2004 I made a decision not to be a part of all of that any longer and sit there in church & lie to God's face. ]]> Politics and Religion Cee Paul http://talkaboutmarriage.com/politics-religion/78082-church-hipocrisy.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/78081-dazed-confused.html Tue, 21 May 2013 03:57:15 GMT well , I never thought I would be talking about divorce or separation. My wife and I have been married almost 24 yrs . About 6 mths ago she blind... well , I never thought I would be talking about divorce or separation.
My wife and I have been married almost 24 yrs .
About 6 mths ago she blind sided me and says she's not happy and thinks we should separate for awhile, but she doesn't really want me to move out and has been saying for the last 6 mths that she loves me. WTF. I asked her if she is unhappy with ME or something else. She replies that she doesn't know and has to have space to figure it out. So I sleep in a separate room. We have had sex 4 or 5 times in that 6 mth period , she even joked that I was her boy toy. She acts like we are together , but then withdraws from me. Needless to say I am totally
confused on whats going through her head and she gets pissed off when I try to talk to her to figure her out , and she says don't analyze her. She does have chronic pain in her back and neck, and i believe it just sucks the life out of her, and she just isn't happy with her situation, but i don't really know. She's never been the type of person to come up to me and give me a kiss or hug , unless i initiate it. I work out of town for 3nights ,4 days and when i get home i try to do a lot of the chores and stuff.
I thought of moving out , but she says she loves me still , so I don't want to jeopordize what there is left. I love her very much , but I also have started planning ahead , by working out and taking care of myself in case I things go to hell. Is that wrong?
I have tried to be patient , but its wearing thin. I told her the other day that I was going to back off and if she wants me,then come get me and if she doesn't then don't, but how long am I supposed to hang on to this glimmer of hope, that she will want to stay with me? If any of you have some
advice for me it would be greatly appreciated. ]]> Considering Divorce or Separation sparkhunter http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/78081-dazed-confused.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/78073-best-friend-troubles.html Tue, 21 May 2013 03:52:12 GMT Hi all, I am new here and although I hope to post/help others relating to relationships/marriage topics, I have a different kind of relationship... Hi all,
I am new here and although I hope to post/help others relating to relationships/marriage topics, I have a different kind of relationship topic this time and that is with my best girl friend.

She is like a sister to me, we are six years apart, she is 25 and I am 31. We met roughly 5-6 years ago when we were both in our twenties and became inseperable. At the time the age difference was not noticable to me, but as I have grown into my 30's I am noticing things more and more bothersome.

To begin with, aside from age (which can be just a number anyway), my best friend has an extremely attention seeking personality. When I was younger I found her energy, wild and crazy behaviour hilarious and entertaining but now she is starting to turn that behaviour into a much more negative behaviour. For starters, when I met her she was this cute bubbly 22 year old.. She's a pretty girl, but always down to earth and athletic and full of life, her behaviour never came accross to me as attention seeking, just her being her outgoing self. As she has entered into her 25th year, her behaviour has been starting to change in the last year or so.. For starters she has been known to flirt excessively with guys when she is out, take their numbers, I even know of her cheating on her boyfriend (kissing, makeouts, etc.) with her now fiance. I never condoned that behaviour and constantly told her she is fighting with fire doing these kinds of things for entertainment. She appeared to have calmed this down especially once she moved in with her bf and then she got engaged shortly afterwards. She really seemed to have grown up and stop this attention seeking behaviour with men.

Not for long, now another side of her is surfacing.. In the last year or so she has matured physically in more of a womanly way, started dressing sexier, got hair extensions, etc. I don't have a problem with this, we are both very girly and dress a lot a like- difference is in our personalities and behaviour. I am more reserved and mature and don't treat people differently whether they are male/female and definitely don't seek out male attention, I could care less especially if I am in a committed relationship.
My best friend literally looks at herself in every mirror or reflection, she posts DAILY and not even joking with that statement, self shots of her doing a "pucker" face and those types of shots. She wears fake eyelashes to the gym and can't even go out in public without a full face of makeup. She entered one competition a year ago (didn't even place) and self proclaimed herself as a "model" to people and even would tell strangers or guys in a bar that she was in a competition and a model, etc. One time we were out and I was approached to enter a modeling contest and she jumped into the conversation interruping the man saying SHE was infact a model herself, as if she should be the one getting approached as well. It was completely embarassing.

On top of her new "image" or look she is starting her male attention seeking when we go out again. She is supposed to be getting married next year and now she talks as if she isn't ready and isn't happy in her relationship, yet all her concerns are "he doesn't pay attention to me" or "he isn't affectionate enough with me"... "I just want to be with someone who tells me I am beautiful".. etc.
They are all very WEAK reasons as to why she is doubting her engagement. I tell her all the time, these are things that can be worked on and not a reason to throw a great relationship/ marriage away. She also has been working at a nightclub part-time in addition to her real job, yet her fiance makes a LOT of money and clearly money is not an issue. He has made comments that she only works there for the attention, which I have to agree. I used to work with her also, but as soon as I met my boyfriend I quit no problem as I wanted to spent my time on weekends with him and friends, not working in the bar industry for fun or extra cash. She on the other hand, works there every weekend and her poor fiance sits at home or does whatever else to keep himself busy. When we do couples evenings, she is usually the only one missing as she is working at the bar.
She recently just started training at the gym a lot and literally within 3 days of her new "diet" she has already posted shots of herself working out at the gym and a picture of her in a midriff baring gym outfit all over her social media.
I am starting to become embarassed by her behaviour as many of my boyfriend's friends, his sisters, family etc. have started to make some comments about her behaviour and how we are nothing alike and they don't see what we even have in common? She has said inappropriate things or flirts with my boyfriend's friends, they have all made comments about how she is and they think she is all full of herself.

It is making me really upset inside, as this is the best friend I saw as a sister. She truely has a heart of gold, she would do anything for me and her loved ones... She is very thoughtful always sending me sweet letters about how she values our friendship, she gives me surprise gifts and would drop anything to hang out with me. Not to mention in the past has been there for me in a heartbeat when I needed her for emotional support.
She has a wonderful side to her, but also this other side of her is very negative. What would you suggest, or what would you do to cope or talk to your friend about behaviour like this?

Thanks for reading,
Ash ]]> The Social Spot amberash http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/78073-best-friend-troubles.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/78065-1-year-day-life-changed-forever.html Tue, 21 May 2013 03:48:54 GMT Hi All, Well today is exactly one year that my ex-wife told me she was unhappy, never loved me and wanted a divorce. That day was the day my... Hi All,

Well today is exactly one year that my ex-wife told me she was unhappy, never loved me and wanted a divorce. That day was the day my Earth Stood Still... I will never forget, because I was carrying in boxes (b/c we just moved into a new house 2 weeks prior, Fun!) I dropped the boxes where I stood.

I find out today, she is getting back in with our group of friends we hung with all the time, with her man, she cheated on me with. I told my friends today, I dont think I can be part of this group any longer if they associate with Devil:FIREdevil:
They all know what she did to me and shunned her for many months. I guess time fades the memories for everyone. They have begged me please stay friends... It only makes sense not to, I had to move back to my hometown 100 miles away, she is from there and so are they.. I am odd man out..

I am seeing someone, she wants to get more serious, i do not. I am still licking my wounds from the Blaze of Hell shot at me from the Devil Woman:FIREdevil:

Not sure what to feel right now, except more betrayal, hurt and anger, hmm haven't been down that crap a$$ road before.... ]]> Life After Divorce LostOneForGood http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/78065-1-year-day-life-changed-forever.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/78057-my-wifes-mom-died-when-should-i-leave.html Tue, 21 May 2013 03:03:44 GMT NOTE: This was originally part of my last post, which is so crazy long that I fear it is becoming confusing and nebulous to many folks, including... NOTE: This was originally part of my last post, which is so crazy long that I fear it is becoming confusing and nebulous to many folks, including myself, so here goes with a sort of new issue that has stemmed from the original issue(s).

Right now my wife is so traumatized by the death of her mother, that things are in a sort of in a holding pattern now with my leaving. We don't talk about my leaving. But when we actually sat down recently, face-to-face, and she told me she read my email about her getting pregnant (yes! I actually had to email her my thoughts on that because we don't really speak) and she said she will not have children, and she does not want children, and she hates the idea of having children, then it just really sank into me once and for all that this is the end of the line.

I believe awhile back I mentioned that she was beginning to look like her mother, and that her mother was not attractive, and that likely contributed to my not being attracted to her anymore. Well, now it is really worse than it could ever be since I was in the room when they took her off life support. It was a horrible situation to be in. I was between my wife and the monitor, and across the bed was my MIL's boyfriend, and at the foot of the bed was my wife's dad. It took about 20 minutes for her to flatline. Had that not been done, the Doctors said she would be dead within 3 days anyway because of the swelling in her brain. She was just laying there with her mouth opened, and her head to the side, and she looked like she was sleeping. Last week my wife fell asleep on the couch, and the room had about the same amount of light as the ICU room, and I looked at her and she was laying just like her mom, with her mouth open, and it scared the hell out of me. Like I said, she has already begin to look like her mom (NOT a good thing!). On top of everything else, I did not need to see that.

I have mentioned in the past that my wife seems to have a layer of depression hanging over her, which I know she inherited from her mother, and she knows this, and yet still has done nothing about it. She does not even seem willing to do anything about this now even though the Doctor told us that her mother seemed to have stopped taking her Diabetes medicine about a month before ending up in the emergency room. Her boyfriend confirmed that she had not checked her levels in a month (I think there is a "tester" for that sort of thing). Her body was so totally destroyed that when I spoke to the Doctor about donating her organs, etc. I was told that her body was already reviewed while she was in the hospital and they turned down everything because it was all worthless. She had Kidney failure. She had Lung failure. Her eyes were destroyed. Brain damage. I thought they could at least take the skin, but they wanted nothing.

In all the years and years I knew her mother, I NEVER heard her mother laugh. I NEVER saw her mom smile. Ever.

I rarely see my wife smile. I rarely hear her laugh. When she does, it is is response to some idiotic tv show, or while talking to her friend she has known since she was 14.

Anyway, losing one of our favorite cats, and her losing her mother has made things chaotic. She is an only child. It was up to her (and me) to go through her mother's possessions. She was a hoarder. Her boyfriend was always forbidden to touch anything, so he did not know what to do. I don't even want to begin telling you how much time and energy I had to spend putting things in trash cans. She held on to everything. Seriously. My wife found halloween makeup from 30+ years ago. Candy, too. And 27 huge rubber bins of cheap stuffed animals! Layers of dust and filth. Paperwork from forever ago that was worthless! every damn article of clothing I think she ever owned! Food that expired years ago! Furniture that was falling apart. Hundreds of VHS tapes, for crying out loud.

What the hell kind of family did I marry in to? Man, I really screwed up. Yes, she was nice, and sweet, and honest, and pleasant when I met her, but it was the sex that drew me in. Well, what good did it do me ... or her ... since we don't even have that anymore?

I need hardly add that my wife and I have not had sex at all this year. As many of you know, she and I did not have sex last year either. I think it was the year before that we had sex on her birthday. Before that ... I really don't remember. ]]> Sex in Marriage musicaldreams http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/78057-my-wifes-mom-died-when-should-i-leave.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/78049-share-versus-scare.html Tue, 21 May 2013 02:10:55 GMT Ok, I have realized that communication with DH could be better but I need some guidance to find the balance between sharing needs/wants and flat... Ok, I have realized that communication with DH could be better but I need some guidance to find the balance between sharing needs/wants and flat scaring him into thinking I have gone off the deep end.
A little background....we have been together for 18yrs and I am his one and only partner, ever. I brought some experienced into the relationship but nothing more than basic vanilla. Problem is I think DH is pretty much just cream, haven't even got the vanilla added in yet. I would love to change things up a little but I think I might freak him out since we never talk about our sex life and I can't get him to even flirt outside the bedroom. I've even tried s simple suggestive text and it was responded to with Oh.

So from those that have crossed these barriers, how did you do it???
Posted via Mobile Device ]]> Sex in Marriage toxxik http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/78049-share-versus-scare.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/78041-i-want-move-why-wont-he-let-me.html Tue, 21 May 2013 00:25:25 GMT So, my STBXH cheated on me (multiple times over the years). I found out and pretty much begged him to stop, to work on our marraige, you know,... So, my STBXH cheated on me (multiple times over the years). I found out and pretty much begged him to stop, to work on our marraige, you know, pitiful behavior. Anyway, we have been seperated for over a year (emotionally) but physically for over 6 months. He actually left another time during the year but both of my parents passed away within 3 months of each other so he moved back to help with the kids.

I want to be divorced now. I have sent him child custody paperwork that I had come up with and asked for his opinion, what he would like changed, if anything. He told me that he will not sign anything until he finds his own place to live. He doesn't want to rent, only own. He has looked a little for a place but not much. I think the own but not rent thing is unrealistic. He says he wants his own place (he's living with family members) so he has a place to take the kids. I understand that but as I told him, I would be willing to leave sometimes so they could be here.

I asked him why he doesn't want to be divorced and he will NOT answer the question. Evades it everytime I ask. I believe it's because he can live the single life anytime he wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone but play house on the weekends (he comes to the house every weekend to spend time with the kids and leaves when he wants, does what he wants). I also think it's just pure selfish. I do not believe he wants me but I do believe he is sad for all that HE is losing.

So my question is, why is he fighting me so hard on the divorce? Is there anything I can do to make this run more smoothly? I don't want to have anger between us, I don't want to have a hateful relationship. Oh, I never had him served, have only discussed child custody because having him served seems angry. ]]> Going Through Divorce or Separation ImperfectMomma http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/78041-i-want-move-why-wont-he-let-me.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/78033-time-quit-fighting-love.html Mon, 20 May 2013 23:58:46 GMT I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 22 it was a whirlwind relationship....we moved in together the day we met, got married five years later and... I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 22 it was a whirlwind relationship....we moved in together the day we met, got married five years later and have now been together for 32 years. In that time I have had to deal with years of mental and physical abuse after reporting him it has stayed pretty much to mental abuse, and he has started with my girls too.
I feel I love him still and would love nothing more to fix everything but counselling is not an option even when made to do counselling as a stipulation of the court it was made clear I was not permitted to talk about the abuse (Mental or physical) basically I was to go in acting as we are a loving couple not in need of counselling.
I tried to explain to him how he has taken all the good things we had and discarded them, no spending time together, no kisses or hugs have only heard the words I love you 5 times in 32 years but have heard that he hates me almost on a daily basis. The final straw for him is when I took away the sex because that is what it had become to me there was no feelings or emotions no tender moments just self gratification for him and it was done.
No matter how I tried to get him to see that an emotional connection was imperative to me, he was fine with what we had. Is it time to quit fighting for his love??? I went from living with my mom and dad to living with him and realize that both that fact and his controlling ways is what has kept me here and although if I could have the same young man I fell in love with back I would stay another 32 years, is it time for me to realize that that person no longer exists. He states what he gives me is all he will ever give me and I know in my heart of hearts that is nowhere enough for me anymore.
My children have wanted me to leave him for years and both would be there to support me emotionally as neither have any affection for him. I am so afraid of taking the wrong step and loosing everything. 32 years is a lot to let go off even if I could force myself to be honest to myself and realize there were not many good times. ]]> Considering Divorce or Separation shakeelah http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/78033-time-quit-fighting-love.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/78025-help-n-my-marriege.html Mon, 20 May 2013 23:52:56 GMT hi i been married for 12 year.3 year ago my wife cheat on me.she tell me was some one she don't know.she got pregnant so i take responsibility for the child.then after 2 year later she come back tell me the father of my son is my best friend who been in my house.she only have sex with him one time when she got pregnad.know i have to deal with a baby father who is my ex best friend.she one him to spend time with the baby i don't like that it hurt me how she lie to me for 2 year,he know was his baby from day 1,but he dint one the responsability.know me and my wife figth alot over him.i ask her if she have feeling for him she say hell no,but she love him like a friend because he did a lot for us like a friend so she still care for him like a friend only.well this is killing me .i have been n the hospital taking depression pill and anxiety pill to help me go true all this.know she tel me becuse we fight so much she one me to move on my own place n try to work our marriege like that.she say because all we do is fitgh so much she not happy with all this fight and me alway talking about the baby father.i need help i belive moving by my self will finally destroy this.plus also when she say she love him like a friend .feel to me more the she have feeling for him...i wus there from day one .he turn his back on her when she really need him.and she call him a friend he destroy my family.pls help ]]> Considering Divorce or Separation 1dicegfx http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/78025-help-n-my-marriege.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/78017-so-frustrated-watching-husband-struggle.html Mon, 20 May 2013 23:47:20 GMT I am angry, I am sad, I am so many things right now and just need to vent I guess. My husband and i have worked through so many difficult times. He... I am angry, I am sad, I am so many things right now and just need to vent I guess. My husband and i have worked through so many difficult times. He has been unhappy with his job since i met him 5yrs ago. He has changed jobs 7 times in 4yrs!. Come to find out, his father let him drop out of high school in the 9th grade and he has been scared all these years to pursue what he would enjoy as a career because he doesn't even have a GED. He has been terrified of being "found out" and fired for lying on all of his job applications. (and he lied to me about it too. Out of embarrassment)

He is smart, is a hard worker and has felt "stuck" doing only jobs that he knows how to do. Turns out he knows exactly what he wants out of life but never thought he could do it because of this. I am so angry at his father for "using" him as a farm hand in sake of what was best for him when he was a kid. How could a parent do that to a kid? And then to make matters worse, when he turned 18, his father sold the farm and moved out of state, leaving my husband to fend on his own without any family in the area or a high school diploma to get a job to support himself.

Wow, has my husbands insecurity issues and unhappiness ever become apparent to me now as to WHY he has felt this way for so long. Daily, he has come home feeling sick of having to prove himself to everyone at work. No wonder why he needs so much reassurance that he is smart etc. It is all so clear to me now and it angers me so much to know that his parents did not look out for his best interests and that he has had to suffer because of it.

I finally just asked him "if you could do absolutely anything that you wanted as a career, what would you enjoy most"?I am happy to say now that after much discussion, he has gotten up the courage to not only go get his GED, but has plans to apply to a tech college, then transfer to a regular university and then pursue his dream occupation by attempting to make it to Caltec eventually to graduate from. I have never seen him so happy and excited. i can't believe this poor guy never believed in himself and thought he had to remain miserable in a job for the rest of his life all because he didn't finish high school. And all because his parents taught him that way.(they are both incredibly unhappy people who just complain about everything, day in and day out but won't do anything to change it).

I don't know. How do you respect your in-laws after seeing that they are the only people who have harmed your loved one the most? ]]> General Relationship Discussion Tufluv http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/78017-so-frustrated-watching-husband-struggle.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/78009-drug-addict-wife.html Mon, 20 May 2013 23:44:03 GMT My wife is a full blown heroin addict now. She's been in and out of rehabs and detox. She thinks I don't know. I don't know why because is just obvious. I'm tired. We have a 7 year old son. I love her, but this is affecting me negatively at work and in life. I'm trying my best. We rent an apartment but she's not on the lease. Can I remove her from the house and force her into a situation where she hits rock bottom? ]]> Relationships and Addiction johnsunny http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/78009-drug-addict-wife.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/78001-does-anybody-have-experience-williams-syndrome-kid.html Mon, 20 May 2013 23:24:50 GMT My grandson was born about 4 months ago and has Williams Syndrome.

Can anybody give me any hints on how to handle his fussiness?

He's killing his mother and father and wearing out his grandmothers and great grandmothers.

I do what I can but, it doesn't come natural to me. ]]> hambone http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/78001-does-anybody-have-experience-williams-syndrome-kid.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/77993-could-use-advice-strange-situation-home.html Mon, 20 May 2013 23:09:57 GMT I've not used the site before but it seems to have some good info. Forgive me for asking such a long question but I don't know how to explain this strange situation briefly. Help me out if you can. My wife has this group of friends she hangs with all the time for ladies night and that sort of thing. Lately they've been on this kick of including husbands one night a week despite the other wives using their ladies only nights to hit on men. One problem is that one of the other husbands has a history of trying to pick up my wife, at least hinting at it and saying inappropriate things.

I wasn't wild about her friends but I told my wife I was fine with it all but I didn't want to have to be around that husband and maybe leave me home. She said fine and that lasted for about 2 months but now that they're wanting these nights with husbands included I've been dragged into it though she said I wouldn't be.

My wife waits until the last minute though everyone else knows for weeks, then tells me she forgot and we have to go right now. The first time around I had to do a karaoke night and that guy who tried with my wife seems to be subtly messing with me. Signing me up for embarrassing songs to sing and that kind of thing. This was last week and the one before.

Now this past weekend my wife sprung on me at the last minute once again that we're going to that guy's house. She spends all day and into the night relaxing inside with her pals while I'm stuck with this guy in the backyard, 100 degrees out here, doing this weird obstacle course thing he has. If you can't do one or another trick, you have to do things like lots of pushups, situps, jump off the roof and roll down this ramp thing, and other "exercises."

I was doing this the whole time, about 8 hours, ended up dehydrated and I'm still sore though this was on Saturday. Plus, I got the joy of my wife and her friends sitting inside, drinking sangria and laughing at me out the glass doors while I was killing myself doing this outdoors crap with him, feeling like I'm back in gym class while climbing a rope and he stands below screaming "do it for honor!" I'm not kidding about that and by midday he was thoroughly drunk. She didn't tell me about this in advance, just that it was a get together though she seemed to not think it was strange, and I end up doing all this in business casual street clothes.

Now despite our agreement I didn't want to be around this guy she complains that I'm basically a wimp or a wet blanket if I don't do these nights with her. I think she violated the agreement, now she expects it though I only went because she gave no warning and I was trying to be the nice guy. Also she seems to give no credit and I don't know why I'm supposed to be excited about doing some kind of boot camp all day and night while she has fun. Plus while on these nights I still get to see the looks and comments he gives her and I think he's just trying to make me look bad. She admits he's after her but says so what.

Most of all it bothers me that she still has this attitude of I'm the boring one who doesn't want to have "fun." She only acknowledged I'd done her a favor once I said so, but then she treated me like a child the rest of the weekend and I admit feeling like one for complaining and for feeling like a wimp back in high school. So what do I do here besides "man up"? Why is she like this about this group at the expense of our marriage? And why does she expect me to like this? ]]> General Relationship Discussion Turpentine http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/77993-could-use-advice-strange-situation-home.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/77985-desperately-needing-ear.html Mon, 20 May 2013 23:05:22 GMT My husband and I have been married for almost 18 years. Ever since we were dating, if I was upset about someone yelling at me he would say, "Well what did you do to them?" That mindset has continued all through our marriage. Anytime someone is mad at me, it's always my fault. I have trouble with depression, I'm socially awkward - although he swears I am an extrovert. I don't do well with semi-large crowds (even family) because I always seem to say or do the wrong thing. I'm basically scared and uncomfortable the entire time.

My problem is my brother and sister in law are coming to town. I tried to be friends with my SIL many years ago before they married. I came to her defense, I was her confidante when my BIL was on drugs and beat her up. I spent the night with her when they had separated because she was afraid. Well, they got back together and she basically told him everything I said in defense of her and making him mad at me. Then after they got married, he accused her of cheating on him and they split. I was selling real estate at the time so I got their listing and helped him buy a fixer upper. Eventually they got back together and he joined the military and needed to sell that house so the family could move with him on base. I, again did the listing for them. The buyer tried backing out at the last minute because he and his girlfriend split and he was only buying it because she wanted it. Well BIL and SIL yelled at me like it was my fault and said it HAD to go through or they would be f***ed. I came up with a plan so the guy bought it, listed the gf's houses at zero commission, sold to some other buyer's I had been working with at zero commission, and sold my BIL and SIL's house to the gf at zero commission. That adds up to several thousand dollars I lost in three transactions so they would not be f***ed and at no time did I get an apology or a thank you.

Another thing, my BIL was supposed to go to a football game with my husband so they could hang out together before he left. My husband was all excited, got off work early and set up the tailgating and sat there all by himself. My BIL never showed up, never called and never apologized for standing him up. There have been many occasions where he has done things like this to my husband.

When they are in town I tend to avoid get-togethers with them. However her daughter from a previous marriage graduated HS last year and I went to her grad party. My husband got a hug from SIL, thanking him for coming and she completely ignored me! No eye contact or nothing!

So now they are coming in town again. My birthday is Friday and they are camping and invited my husband and their friends to come out and have drinks, so we were all supposed to go. I informed my husband that it is my birthday and he said, "well we'll make it a double celebration". Neither they, nor their friends give a hoot about me and I don't want to spend my birthday somewhere I don't feel wanted so I opted to stay home. I thought, well it's a holiday weekend so we'll have all weekend to do birthday stuff. Then my MIL calls to tell my husband that she rented a shelter house at a park for Saturday so everyone can get together then. I know I'm sounding selfish and childish, but all of our birthdays have always been about the birthday person the entire weekend. It's now about them being in town. I tried talking to my husband about it and he just gets mad at me and tells me, "you're just looking for things to be mad at!" He's just not getting it! I mean, when I asked our youngest son if he wanted to camp, he at least asked if I was going. When I told him no, he asked if I wanted company before making his decision! That moved me to tears! Of course I told him it's whatever he wants to do and he wants to camp. If my husband gave me the same courtesy I wouldn't be so upset. I mean, I resolved myself to the fact that they were camping, but when the next day got added on it's like WTF?

I am desperately trying to find a happy place so I can feel good about me, but it's definitely not at home. I tried talking to my husband the other day and he just kept playing his game and didn't even respond to me. He doesn't want to hear it. In fact this morning he told me he's so sick of people being unhappy and upset around here. (people = me) I tried going to a counselor, but she didn't really help. I mean, she listened, but then when I ran out of stuff to say, she wouldn't say anything! It was just long, uncomfortable silence. So I'm currently looking for a new one. In the last 8 months my 9 year old dog died unexpectedly, our son got divorced, contemplated suicide and spent time in a mental hospital to get himself straightened out, he is now with a new woman and it's nothing but drama with her and his ex, and my father passed away last month. I spend a lot of time at his graveside when I'm upset.

Sorry so long, I just treading water here. Any ideas for me would be greatly appreciated. ]]> General Relationship Discussion Afterthought3573 http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/77985-desperately-needing-ear.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/77977-quick-write-poetry-thread.html Mon, 20 May 2013 22:58:12 GMT Doesn't matter what you write, just make it work. I love writing poetry. Always have since I was a teen. Quick write is fun cuz you just let the words flow. Don't worry about rhyming or aimbic pentameter or any of that sh-t.

Just. Write.
Oh - and don't worry about it being "good". Cuz it already is.





A flash of brightness
Piercing the dark.
Boom of thunder crashes.
In fear I sit
Just wondering how
I deal with it all. ]]> The Social Spot SomedayDig http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/77977-quick-write-poetry-thread.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/77969-my-gf-refuses-contact-me.html Mon, 20 May 2013 22:52:47 GMT My gf and I have been together for over 2 years. However, if there is any communication between us it is totally up to me to initiate the... My gf and I have been together for over 2 years. However, if there is any communication between us it is totally up to me to initiate the conversation.

For instance, we don't live together but I spend at least 4 nights a week at her home. I leave for work in the morning and on some days return to my home for that particular night. If I do not make some form of contact with her (phone, email, text) until let's say the evening after 5 or 6 then she becomes rather bothered and wonders what I've been up to all day to not contact her. But the same rules apparently do not apply for her. She can go all day long with no contact whatsoever and it's just fine with her.

I've actually had to, on several occasions, ask her to please contact me with just a simple text to say "Hi sweetie, i hope your day is going well." Or something very simple like that. But of course she still refuses to make the effort. I have no idea what it's like to get a phone call from my gf on a random occasion just to say hello or I miss you, etc.

I really don't understand her unwillingness to proactively contact me. Especially when I've made it clear that this is one really simple act that would make me feel special to her and obviously keep us bonded together.

Her rationale is that she "doesn't contact men." Okay, well I certainly appreciate that in a women when she allows me to pursue. But I am supposedly not just another "man" and we are certainly not just starting out here... we've been together for over TWO YEARS!

My question is, do any of you guys have this situation and do any of you girls treat your boyfriend / husband this way? Also, is there any chance of this odd behavior changing? ]]> General Relationship Discussion trailwalker http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/77969-my-gf-refuses-contact-me.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/77961-getting-frustrated-lawyer.html Mon, 20 May 2013 21:59:59 GMT Granted, I have no clue how long things normally take for the divorce process, but I left my lawyer four weeks ago with the premise that we'd file, and STBXH will be served.

Despite having contacted her a few times, I have not gotten any answers from her. Not sure what's taking so long, to be honest.

Finding a new lawyer is not an option, as a) I need one who is familiar with international divorces, and b) she's got the check over 5K already. This shouldn't be an added piece of aggravation, she's supposed to work FOR me (at $300/hr).

How long was your wait from the decision to file, and the actual paperwork being submitted? ]]> Going Through Divorce or Separation seagoat http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/77961-getting-frustrated-lawyer.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/77953-prayers-oklahoma-kansas-tornado-victims.html Mon, 20 May 2013 21:58:45 GMT *I was astounded to see the ongoing media coverage of the Moore, OK tornado damage from earlier this afternoon. Please join me in praying for the... I was astounded to see the ongoing media coverage of the Moore, OK tornado damage from earlier this afternoon. Please join me in praying for the victims that might have been lost, and for those greatly in need.

And especially join me in giving thanks for those who survived! If there are any TAM'ers who were effected, please post up and let us hear from you! If you are in need, please let us know that also.

Our prayers for all of these good people will remain constant! May our Heavenly Father continue be with all of you during this most trying time! Amen! ]]> The Social Spot arbitrator http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/77953-prayers-oklahoma-kansas-tornado-victims.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financial-problems-marriage/77945-new-here-but-married-21-years.html Mon, 20 May 2013 21:32:58 GMT I am new here, and don't really know how to start...except Hello all..... SOOO
Fed up with my husband being financially irresponsible and self-indulgent....nearly lost everything this time.....cutting it fine but I think at almost 50 he needs to step up to the plate and not leave all the hard stuff to me....I am wondering if I have been banging my head against a wall for 21yrs....would probably walk this time but we have 3 amazing kids....they love him and so do I (well some of the time) and I don't know how to go foreword.

We are in business together...both commercial artists BUT I take the back seat in recognition and have always helped OH with building his artistic endeavours as it has allowed me to be home with the kids...(haven't really cared much about that until now I've seen I don't have a CV of my own). My Oh has never taken any financial responsibility or any interest in finances...only when he wants to spend (which is always) and I have been left with managing all finances, dealing with all business and raising the kids while he is away half of the year on commissions or finding his "creative MoJO".....FINE! No problem.....except he has really rubbished it this time....moved back to the UK a year ago because he wanted to make it in the UK....Good....I get that....totally behind that. Left me in OZ to pack up business and house, sort kids, sort finances, sell investments to finance move over to join him. Problem is, he sat back for 6 months in the UK and did nothing...didn't chase up agents (who get the work in for him in a new market) didn't work on his portfolio (which as an artist needs to be constantly worked on), just slept in and cooked and took walks, while I worked my butt off sorting everything in OZ for the move.
I was furious when I arrived here and also frightened because we'd put so much on the line for his dream ...yet again!!! Now 6 months down the line, all our saving are gone because he moved too slowly on gaining an agent and hasn't had a commission for 6mths, me and the children have to now move back to OZ with hardly any money and stay with friends while we work through this crap. OH has only a week ago moved forward and gained an agent and will start working soon according to the agent (we hope)....but we (kids and I) can't stay to wait because we are broke....I am so cross, have built so much and held it together forever but have a very irresponsible OH....I have to go back to OZ and face the debtors, face trying to get the kids back into school there, and face us not being together as a family.
OK I am used to my OH being away a lot, but I am not used to having to rely on friends for a roof over my head.....

very fragmented and convoluted and probably doesn't make sense, but any feedback may be helpful :scratchhead: ]]> Financial Problems in Marriage eddybudda http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financial-problems-marriage/77945-new-here-but-married-21-years.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/77937-canadianguy-update.html Mon, 20 May 2013 21:22:26 GMT Many of you that have replied to threads of mine know my story. Just under a year ago I joined TAM. It was about that time that I said I would... Many of you that have replied to threads of mine know my story.


Just under a year ago I joined TAM. It was about that time that I said I would give my marriage a year. I have read a number of books that people suggested and read and replied to many of the posts on here and indeed tried suggestions others put forward. I learned a great deal about my own behaviour and responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage.

I struggled with getting her to MC as I had been asking her for over a year and finally lost my cool just after Christmas last year and basically said that we needed to go. At first she suggested I go on my own. I would not and said that we both go together or not at all. We are one of those couples that should have been in MC 2 years before we went and have struggled in MC and about a month ago she said in MC that she wanted to separate. Previous to that she said she was "done" on a number of occasions. I would add here for those of you struggling to get your spouse to MC that my family doctor pointed out that some people are very intimidated by MC or and kind of counselling at all.

Our last (covered by insurance) MC session is tomorrow.

We have been together for 24 years and married for 15 of those. There has been no infidelity, drug issues, or really anything super significant that you can point to a being part of the marriage breakdown that we have experienced.

Our level of communication has declined over the years to where we can not really talk to one another without one of us getting upset. Intimacy and sex has been an issue for a very long time. She is LD and I am HD, no surprise there as any of us who have been on this forum for a few months know this topic is endless.
We have not had sex since the middle of February.

There have been some extremely painful emotional experiences for both of us along the way.

In the end I do believe that whatever happens will be for the best.

I also believe that standing up for myself and my needs will remain one of the best things I have ever done for my life. This has been a freedom that I would have never experienced had I continued to bury my head in the sand believing that things would get better on their own. If you are considering doing this I would recommend that you do not wait another minute to do it. Don't wait until things are so bad that you can not undo them.

Some people believe that it is not so much the length of a relationship that determines it's value but the quality of it that is most important.

That's it for now. CG. ]]> CanadianGuy http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/77937-canadianguy-update.html