[trexy66]

I do have 4 kid's but only my daughter is living at home,my oldest works for my husband and he can be very critical of him also.We are a middle aged couple so we have no plans to have kids together,I can't and he never wanted kids and that was one of his comments when we were arguing he told me that he was warned about being with a woman who has kids.My husband and I separated about 4 yrs ago because he was not getting along with my eldest son so that is why it concerns me that we could get to that point again only this time over my daughter.I don't understand why he wants my daughter to grow up so fast she is only 10.He has pushed her away in the last couple of months and I don't understand why.

[draconis]

Originally Posted by trexy66

.. he never wanted kids ... he wants my daughter to grow up so fast

I think you have your answers and already said them, he never wanted kids, he doesn't share you with them well and wants them out of the way.

draconis

[GAsoccerman]

With Dracs last post.

This guy sounds like a Jerk. Why did he marry you if he KNEW you had children, that Children are alot of hard work.


he is just selfish and self centered.

Do you happen to live in the Northeast? Being from NJ originally, reading some of your comments sounds like typical NY Metro Obnoxious sayings, or Boston Area, with the backhanded Comments.

No reason for your daughter to live like this, you either tell him to treat her as a 10 year old, or to get some Counseling.

Sounds like this is how he was treated as a youngster.

[pigpen]

I have a 10 year old myself. There IS a transition period here when the child is struggling to become independant but does not want to let go of babyhood.
It is NOT a bad thing to encourage independance. Doing for themselves will make them more self confident and self assured.
However, even the 10 year old needs some coddling now and again.

Of course I do not know the whole story. But when your child is asking for help - do you help or do you just do it for her?

I agree that your man is a little rough with his comments. But perhaps he sees you are having a hard time letting your girl grow up?

Don't give up the night time tuck-ins and extra hugs. Your daughter will still need those. Yeah - even as an adult it is awfully ncie to be tucked in.

But you both might benefit from playing games to encourage her independance and begin to take the first steps away from you. Its ok to help when she needs it. It is also OK to suggest she does read instructions for her self.

When my son is asking me how to do something - I say "hmm...that is usually on the box. Why dont you see if you can find it. If you can't let me know and we can read the instructions together."

In this way he has direction about what to do - but he also can take a step towards self sufficiency. That IS the goal of parenthood after all.

Why not compromize? You still tuck her in AND encourage her to do more for herself. I bet your man will lighten up when he sees you and your daugher are making a transition into her teenhood together.

[GAsoccerman]

what does your son say about this guy?? what about your other 2 children, are they out of the house as well?

I still think he is a jerk.

[confusedinTX]

You are not being hard on yourself and in my opinion he should be glad that your daughter has that love for you and still needs and wants you in your life and is not out there plotting to kill her teacher like those 3rd graders or out having sex. You are so lucky to have a strong connection with her and that will pay off as she gets older. A trust now might help her come to you when times are hard as a teen so she doesn't find herself in trouble. That was the case with me and my mom. I don't get his reaction but please don't think you are overreacting to it. I hope things get better with professional help and he moves forward with the adoption. I think you should be proud of yourself for having a child who is that connected to you and I can only hope I can say the same when I daughter is that age.

[confusedinTX]

I think a professional will help you even if it doesn't help him so try not to worry too much about it and good luck,

[stav]

Well i think your comments regarding him never wanting kids is the heart of the problem. As they grow up and change, develop their own personalities, he is having trouble dealing with it. There is definitely jealousy there too.

I think some professional advice might help.

[trexy66]

We went to marriage counselling together a couple of weeks ago,it went quite well and saturday I caught him watching porn which he knows bother's me and we have not spoken since,we were supposed to have gone to marriage counselling yesterday but he refusd to go.It is difficult being at home as we are not talking I am sleeping in my daughter's room.I don't know where to go from here.

[swedish]

It sounds as though marriage counseling is a good path for you both right now. I'm sorry to hear he refused to go & I hope that is temporary due to you not speaking.

I married my husband 7 years ago & have 3 children from a previous marriage. He was never married and had no children. There is a part of me that would love to fall right into a traditional family but my reality is not that. A simple example is a family portrait or Christmas card. I will only have them done of the children because my husband is not comfortable in being part of that.

One of the biggest struggles for me has been that since I have had these kids from day one we have that unconditional love for one another. I can only imagine how difficult it is to walk into my situation. My husband felt more like an intruder than a welcome addition to our family & he's jumping in when they are at all different ages without any parenting experience & dealing with teenage attitudes/disrespect, etc.

We could have easily gone down the path of me feeling alone in raising the kids and feeling that he didn't agree with my parenting, etc. or him feeling unwanted and unneeded in our lives. We were as close as a couple could get to being at that point.

The key for us was (as said over and over on here) to talk to each other about how this or that made us feel. The more we talked, the better able we were to understand where the other was coming from. I hope you are able to continue counseling. If he can open up to why he is irritable you can begin to work on things together so you both feel supported by each other. It's worth a try if it means the guy you fell in love with resurfaces.

[trexy66]

Well after about 1 week of the silent treatment my husband said to me that it would be a good idea if we split up.I asked why and he said there were a few reasons lack of kinky sex,a daughter who is too childish and I am too sensitive.Some of you have followed my threads and I appreciate the advice and words of wisdom that you have given me I just wanted to update you and let you know what has happend

[draconis]

I wish you the best of luck.

draconis

[swedish]

I'm sorry to hear that trexy. If he is not willing to put in the effort, you should not have to go from day to day torn between doing what you believe is right as a mother and pleasing him.

I'm sure there is an abundance of kinky, insensitive ho's out there for the taking if that's truly what he's looking for?!?

Stay strong in your convictions and best of luck to you and your children.

[stav]

That is such a shame Trexy, that he is not prepared to join you in making an effort to save your marriage.

Perhaps it's time to start looking at your options and get some professional advice about your rights.

Good luck.

[Green-Moo]

I'm sorry to hear that Trexy, but unfortunately it does take two people to make the effort so if he isn't willing to try then perhaps it's better to quit now than beat your head against a wall.