It was a Disaster.
My SO and I have not spoken a word to one another since 10:00am yesterday. Nine hours in the car riding home and nothing but cold shoulder.
It started wonderfully. We both decided to take Friday afternoon off and leave early taking the scenic route and finding a nice place to have dinner.
We did that, totally enjoyed the scenery driving through New Hampshire and Vermont.
Found a seedy motel and had a sexy evening and in the morning the room next door pounded on the wall as we were making love and disturbed them.
Then we got to the college at about Noon on Saturaday
I met up with my daughter to get my room keys and she confirmed (again) that there was not a dinner reservation for my SO. This upset me because rightly or wrongly, I expected someone to feel embarrassed or obligated to somehow include her.
We got into a big argument, my SO and I because I said I was reluctant to go without her and that I wasn't raised to bring someone 600 miles to sit a bare room while I partied.
She said this was unfair to her and I should be directing my upset and anger at my ex-wife and daughter.
She made a couple of snide remarks about me needing to realize that I was not on this trip alone even tho they all seemed to think I was.
This made me feel as if she (my SO) was expecting me to a) make a stand with my ex and have it out or b) avoid the confronation with the ex and just not go to the dinner.
Her primary source of anger and it was justified was this: We made the decision for her NOT to go to dinner before we left. She said it put her in an awful position to now have to re-confirm it or tell me it was "ok" and deep down I knew she was right. It was about me and I wanted her to say something that would convince me that she would not be upset or hurt if I went. She said I would have to figure it out and there was turbulent air for several hours while I waivered between going and not going to the dinner and between staying at the dorm (completely bare room bathroom two floors down) or renting her better accomadations.
I went to the dinner and truthfully, I was crammed onto a corner of a square table and there would have been no place for her to sit.
Both daughters and the entire family invited us back to their hotel to "party" and swim in the hottub. I tried to leave it open by saying to my daughter, I will call you if I am coming over. She wouldn't take no for an answer and got me to agree that I would come and bring Laura.
Laura was not warm to the idea and stated (and I didn't blame her) if they couldn't include me in the dinner then I am not real interested in going over to their Hotel, "no."
I understood and phoned my daughter a couple hours later and made an excuse of being tired.
Mind you, through all of this I feel torn completely and as much as I did not want to cowtow to my ex-wifes managing the minutia, I wanted to go over to keep my word and to have a drink with my daughter. I didn't and proceeded to feel like a rotten father and a lousey partner and I went for a walk alone and cried and felt sorry for myself and for my daughter(s).
My SO was asleep (in her single bed) when I returned and I sat in the dark for several hours and then fell asleep.
In the a.m., things seemed good. Went for coffee and then got dressed for the graduation. Wewalked to the breakfast on campus then walked around campus watching all the seniors running to their respective locations and finally wandered over to where the seating was.
I expressed several times that I had reserved seats (that my ex told me about making a point to tall me that she reserved seats for me and SO).
My partner made a couple of statement about the ceremony starting at 10 but that the proscession of graduates would not begin until 1030. Each time and rebuffed her comments by saying it would be my expectation to be sitting at 10 and to watch the grads file in (not rush to my seat after they had come in.
It began to rain five minutes before the grads started to march in.
She insisted we look at some flowers planted near the rear of the grounds and I agreed with reservation. As it was, the music started and the grads started their march and I was not in my seat nor did I know where that was. 5000 people mind you.
I started asking people who appeared to be working there and got the run around about reserved seats.
When someone finally directed me, I tried to urge her on to follow me and she walked up to another attendant and asked about reserve seats, admittedly, I barked at her that I just spoke to that man and knew what he had to say and would she please follow me. She stopped and started a sort of tantrum stating I had no reason to yell at her.
She became flippant and said, go sit where you want and stood in one place.
I felt torn again and asked/begged her to please come and sit down with me. I shouldn't have said it but I said don't you want to see my daughter graduate and she flipped out, asked for the room key and started raising her voice and telling me that I was putting her in a terrible position. I said I was going to miss out seeing my daughter walk in and she said I should have said I wanted to sit down earlier. When I tried to say that she knew full well I wanted to sit 30 minutes ago she stormed off through the crowd.
In a panic and unable to locate any seating I took up position by the grads walking in (over 700) and tried to see my daughter. All I wanted to do was go away from the crown and sob at how foolish I was.
After the grads were seated I saw my younger daughter waving to me from the reserved seats. They had saved two seats and I proceeded to enjoy the graduation (probably moreso than I would have if my partner had to also squeeze into the row and sit with my ex's family. Mind you it sprinkled and poured for two hours and despite ample free poncho's everyone was soaked to the core and freezing by the conclusion.
I found an opportunity to see and hug my daughter and made excuses for why I wouldn't be coming to the brunch they had planned for after (long drive sweetie). Feeling like a terrible father and a lousey partner I walked back to the dorm room.
Upon enetering she said, are you ready to go and I said yes and things were placed in the car and we drove home.
No words upon arrival home
I go tup this morning and left early planning to passively aggresively take the rental car back without assistance from my SO. The airport is five miles away and she had planned to follow me oiver and lift me back home
Shortly after arriving home (she was gone to work) my cell phone rang and she wanted to know if I needed a ride.
I said no, I thought I had burdened her enough with my needs for one weekend and figured I was resourceful enough to take care of my own responmsibilities regarding the rental car.
There was a long pause and then she said, It was all very hard and she believed she handled it all wrong and she didn't know what to say or how to talk about it.
I replied that I did not want to talk about it on the ride and although I felt we needed to talk I was also convinced that we had damaged our relationship.
She said she was not sure why I was so angry or if I was angry and I did not respond.
I said I hoped she had a grood day, thanks for calling to see if I needed a ride. She said she might leave work early and I said well, I will see you at home then. She said she loved me and I can count on two hands the number of times she has said that in 18 months. I said I love you too, bye.
Mind you, I am divorced and in the final divorce proceedings the judge made the following comment, "thank you for finding a way to compromise. I have been doing this a long time and I never loose sight of the fact that there are three sides to every story, yours, hers and the truth."
Sorry so long.
It was a mistake to ever take her. Perhaps I caused the situation on Saturday by becoming angry with my daughter/ex and somehow channeling it onto my partner (she said I did this). I feel now that my Partner went along holding onto some resentment about the dinner arrangements and decided or chose to be less than congenial and cooperative as a result. Any attempt on my part to say I was misinterpreting her non-verbal cues resulted in a backlash at me.
I am guilty of tremendous parental guilt and of becoming completely compliant, maleable and non-assertive when I see my daughters because I feel guilty and I am thankful for any contact I can have. My partner feels I should be proud to be their father, stand up for the fact I have rights and to advocate and not be so agreeable and "lilly-livered" about what I feel is right.
She is right in some respect.
On the other hand, she doesn't seem to have my back. She doesn't seem to care that I struggle in this area and is not supportive.
Enough already fes.
Thanks
Graduation Dilemma
