[PixieDust]

Hello all,

Like many here, I have been under a huge amount of stress due to family issues.

I grew up in a loving family - only child - with parents who almost never fought. My husband - another only child - grew up in an abusive (both verbally and physically) ever-fighting family. Together, we live somewhere in the middle of those 2 extremes. Although we rarely argue, my husband tends to become verbally abusive when we do argue, thowing out insults like "you're an idiot, "I want a divorce", etc. While at first, I was deeply hurt by such insults, I have gotten used to it since our fighting is rare (maybe once a month or so).

To complicate matters, my husband pushed me to the ground about 2 years ago during a fight and then slapped me in the face. I made the mistake of telling this to my parents while I was upset. My husband has never repeated the incident and I was firm in telling him that if it happens again, I will be gone in 2 seconds flat.

I know my husband must sound like a complete jerk by now, but the large majority of the time he is loving, devoted, and is a good father to our 2 young children. He has a very good job and gives us everything we need materially. Yes, at times he is difficult to live with.

So, my big problem is that my parents hate my husband, and when everyone is together tensions run sky high. For me, it is so stressful and anxiety-producing that I feel I am going to loose my mind. Any negative remark that may come out of my husband's mouth may be rebutted with threats from my parents. I have told my parents to stay out of my relationship between me and my husband, but they tell me, "well, what would you do if your daughter were married to an abuser?" Sigh.

My mom likes to complain about everything my husband does (and doesn't do), and my dad always has an overly concerned look on his face each time I see him and asks me, "how is he treating you?" I am so sick of listening to this crap and it is really depressing.

When I ask my husband to "behave" better around my parents, he doesn't really understand what I am referring to. This is probably because he is already so much better behaved than his own parents. He is not really bad, but he is just not very socially appropriate. He chews and talks with his mouth open, attempts to make jokes nobody really thinks are funny, etc.

My parents' simple answer is to try to bring down my marriage; they seem to believe divorce is the simple answer. And they make it known how sorry they feel for my children who have to grow up with a jerk for a father. But, as I'm sure some of you here can agree, divorce is not a simple answer. Even if a divorce might make my life a little bit more peaceful, it would also bring a lot of destruction and hurt to my husband, me, and our 2 children. My children have a very good life - a big house, many expensive activities, private school, etc. My children love my husband very much and he is very kind to them. I both love my husband and dislike him at the same time (probably a normal state for many wives).

In any case, this post is long enough. I would just like to see if anyone else has experienced this type of situation or if anyone has any advice for me.

Thank you!

[GAsoccerman]

A couple of questions...

Do your parents know about his up bringing? that he came from a bad household and abused as a child?

Unfortunately your husband has to struggle to control his bahavior, this stems from his abusive past, he does not want to create the same issues, and I am sure he hates himself for the push and the slap in the past.

I really think you need to have a sit down with your parents and your husband, no one else around and "lay it all down on the table" where anything and any feelings can be expressed.

let it all out and air it out, all four of you together with no one else around. Have the rules is no one can throw anything, no getting up, just talking, yelling screaming, ec.

Once all the feelings that are aired out, then you can begin the healing. If your parents do not know about his abusive past, they should know, and they should also understand that it is a constant struggle for him not to be the same way or act that way to his wife or children.

maybe all four of you can got to couneling together.

[PixieDust]

Thanks so much for the reply. I know it is difficult for my husband to leave the abuse in the past. Had I known how hard it would be for him, I would not have married him. But, in any case, we are already married and have 2 children.

My parents are not the sit-down-and-talk type of family. They don't fight with each other and they certainly don't discuss problems. They sort of remind me of the the WASP parents in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I have tried to have discussions with them regarding my husband, but they won't listen. I only imagine that sitting my husband down with them would only make the tension worse. They know about his abusive past, but they think it is no excuse for his behavior. Discussing it with them and him together would be a nightmare. My husband will not openly take responsibility for any of his offensive behavior; like many typical abusers, he projects it onto the subject ("it was a reaction to...," "she made me do it"). Thus, such a discussion will only back-up my parents' claims about him. Their claims are not invalid...they just simply create this tension around me that I can't take.

As for counseling, I am the only one in my family who is willing to go. And I have gone in the past, but I did not find it very helpful since I don't feel that I am the one with the problem. Of course, I am certainly not perfect, but I have a decent self-esteem considering the situation, am very aware of myself (good and bad points), and am generally a nice person.

In any case, sometimes I feel the tension is so bad that I would simply like to move my immediate family out of state to avoid the tension. But I know my kids love their grandparents too, and I don't want to alienate my parents because my husband is a jerk.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much of a solution for me. I have considered anti-depressants to help with my emotions, but I know that my depression and anxiety is situational....so it seems really stupid to take drugs to conquer this.

I watched one of my aunts go through the same type of relationship, and she ended up leaving her husband right after her son graduated from high school. I think she even loved her husband, but he was, like mine, verbally abusive, and everyone in the family hated him. I feel like I am just repeating this sad history. I feel like I have to choose either my parents or my husband, and that is simply not very fair.

[stav]

oh my goodness.. your parents think you should divorce the father of your two young children because he chews with his mouth open?

are you personally satisfied that the incident where he struck you was a one off never to be repeated thing? Sadly, those abused often carry forward the behaviour into their own relationships, but it sounds like your husband has tried to overcome this with some success. He needs more help to get free of it though.

Your parents should really be the ones to step back and let you live your lives. It seems to me that pressure from them is making the situation stressful for you. Perhaps you should cut back on visiting them as a family for a bit? MAke it more casual, you popping in with the kids on the way home from shopping or school or wherever.. let things cool down.

Your parents could also make a bit more effort not to be so openly hostile to your husband, which will make him resentful, and then he'll take it out on you..

Try and talk him into coming with you to a counsellor at least the once... he might find after going that there is nothing to be afraid of after all.

[Russell]

Do your parents understand that you and your children will be moving in when the divorce comes down and that they will be supporting you again? Try pointing that out to them.


Also let them know that if they don't 'behave' that it may end up putting stress on your relationship with them. Thus... pushing you away from them.

Your husband made a mistake. If it ever happens again, yes, be gone in two seconds flat. Insure you have the kids.

It also depends on the situation as well. I hit my wife when she was defending 'Tom' after I called him a 'Homewrecker' and that he is the reason we were in our mess. Now, please, don't judge me, as I am a pacifist and I believe that violence solves nothing. It was very out of character for me to do such a thing. She understands my explanation of being at wits end from the emotional strain... I still don't feel that snapping like that is acceptable. now if you ever met my wife... you wouldn't understand why we were in this situation. Things are much different now than they were 4 months ago. And I'm here to tell you... if he loves you... he will do anything.... including moving mountains. Thats what I am giving my best shot at doing....

I quite drinking, I am trying my best to give up nicotene, and I have learned to control my temper very fast.