In Laws have destroyed my marriage

cinema4diva · 06-10-2008, 03:26 PM

Hmm this is going to be hard to keep this concise. I have an age old problem with my inlaws. Short version is...

My inlaws like to control or manipulate everything in their sons life. They use a lot of guilt to get their way. They have taught him that when children have indepence from their parents (like in my family), the parents dont love the children and visa versa. We just had our first child, a son, who is 10 months old. They have interloped in every way you can imagine even before he was born. My mother in law acts like she is my son's mother. She will bring sippy cup, wet ones, and her own diaper bag to family events although I have a bag packed for him. She jumps and scoops him up if he starts to cry. She got so upset with me around Christmas because he was sick and I was ten minutes late giving him his medicine, she called my mother and told her all kinds of nasty things about me. She even told my mother what horrible job she did raising a mean daughter like me. Anyway I could write a book by now of all the things (the War and Peace size).

I feel like I am going crazy with this family. Most of the time, my husband doesnt back me up in how I feel and he sides with his parents. He usually just tells me "They just care about our son, thats why they act the way they do" Im tired of my husband not having a mind of his own. Im tired of him not knowing how to think for himself. Im tired of him not seeing how wrong they are not giving us the independence and respect we deserve as a family. I really feel like its over because I just cannot find peace in the way things are now and I cant seem to find anyone who will listen.

Can anyone offer any kind of advice?

GAsoccerman · 06-12-2008, 02:19 AM

Sounds like you got yourself a Irish or Italian Mother in law and a Momma's boy with no spine.

I had an Irish mother, but I was raised to be very independent like you, but as I got older (married with kids), my mother would give me the old "irish guilt trip"

-where did I go worng, why don't my children call, come to my house, etc, Where did I fail?

Finally one day on the phone with my mother during one of these speeches, I finally had enough and told her to "Cut the crap mom" I was never in Jail, I paid my own way through college, I never did any drugs, was never in any trouble all my life, Married for X amout of years, have children, a well paying job" How did you go wrong?? As any of your friends, I am sure they think you did a great job raising your children with no father (he died when I was 1 year old)

Well you need to have a sitdown chat with your hubby, and you need to tell him he needs to take charge and he has to stand up to his overbearing mother, HE needs to put her in her place, otherwise you will be viewed as the bad guy.

I think your hubby needs to get a freaking back bone and sand up to his mother. I bet the father is the same way.

If I saw that befor the marriage, that would have been a deal breaker for me. Before I married my wife, I made sure her parents were not controlling and good people....as they say Apples do not fall far from the tree, neither do the nuts.

Hubby needs to step up and be a man

Deejo · 06-12-2008, 02:15 PM

They sound like fundamentally damaged people. I'm ok with saying that, because my in-laws are extremely damaged.
I will tell you that it took counseling for my wife to work through how screwed up her parents were, and the impact they had on her life.

The first time she stood up to her mother, I was extremely proud of her. Subsequently, we had no contact with them for over a year. Sadly, they eventually called and apologized.

How your in-laws interact with their son, you can only have so much influence upon - particularly if your husband won't take any action.

How they interact with your son, is an entirely different matter. We have the benefit of being nearly 2 hours away from the in-laws, and they don't like to drive. So, proximity has done wonders for keeping the peace. If you are nearby to his parents, I don't have any solid recommendations other than adopting the viewpoint of trying to deal with them as if you are dealing with small children. Accept that they will do and say stupid things, and if they step way over the line - reprimand them. They may make a fuss, but they will think twice before stepping over again.

Thewife · 06-23-2008, 05:31 AM

Wondering how are u! some of the things u have mentioned like your MIL acting like your son's mother sounds like my MIL. I had similar but not as serious problems with my MIL the rest of the in laws were ok. DH will sympathise with me and assure me that he understands what i m going through but did nothing to solve my problems. MIL started invading my privacy too much and I almost went into ppd. Luckily, i found myself again and stood upto her a few months ago. I didnt wait for DH to side me or protect me cos I felt that I m the one affected so I should take action. I told mil she cant just pop into my house as and when she wants, she must call me at least a day in advance and I will only be available on Sundays and wed etc. She was very upset at first that i dont let her see her grand children but eventually she understood that the bottom line is I dont want her in my house telling me what to do. I am not sure if she had complained to DH, nor do I care.

I am guessing that your culture has a major role in what u r going thru? pardon me if I m wrong. Well whatever the reason be, its very right of you to want to have some space and respect. This is 21st century and no one has a right to control anyone in the way u have described. Hope U have found a solution. Do update us if possible!

draconis · 06-23-2008, 08:00 PM

My parens were the light side of your in-laws to my wife until she put her foot down, told them the way it was going to be and I backed her up 100% including letting them know that our children would be raised our way or we'd just do it on our own. They grumbled a bit but realized later just how good of a job we were doing and they were sending confusing signals to the child by having different sets of rules for them and different ways of caring for them.

draconis

jacquelinesmith1982 · 08-11-2008, 01:32 PM

i am in the same situation. my husband puts his parents before me and our 3 month old daughter. If my mil/fil and i get into a fight my husband never backs me up no matter what. I dont know what to do!

draconis · 08-11-2008, 01:40 PM

You ned to let him know that this is a partnership and that you need to have a united front because there will be isues down the road raising your daughter.

draconis

jacquelinesmith1982 · 08-11-2008, 01:48 PM

i try to tell him often that his parents are ruining our relationship and his response is that i just dont like his parents and thats not true. im so stressed because i love my husband to death but he just doesnt listen to me.

loobylou22 · 08-19-2008, 02:39 AM

i agree with all of the above you need to talk to your hubby about all what she is doing to you
i fourtunatly dont have this problem with my inlaws they are fab they took me under there wing so to speak after i got maiired as my mum and dad disowned me
have you tried talking to your mother inlaw maybe she dosnt realise she is been so overpowering or the next time she does somthing like take a change bag with her when you have one tell her that she's upsetting you and that therse no need you are very capable of taking care of your son
its worth a try hun