[gold907]

Where do I start? I have been with my husband the past 10 years. When I met him my children were 2 and 4 from my previous marriage. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. In the last 2-3 years my husband and daughter have has a strained and tense relationship because of her actions and his attitude. In the latest string of events in the past few months, my daughter was caught shoplifting and I later found out she was taking the blame for her friend she was with, she has left the house at 3am in the morning and walked 6 miles to go fight another girl, she has left her great grandmother's house in the middle of the night, and finally her and my son allowed their friends to take our car on a joyride and damaged our truck in which my daughter went out with her friends in the truck. We have filed a police report and I have been on the phone all day trying to find a family counselor. Needless to say, my husband and I were furious and he screamed yelled and cussed them out for letting this happen when no one should have been in the house at all while we were out. Also it should be noted that my husband and I rarely ever go out alone because we also have a 1 1/2 year old and we always usually do things the whole family can do together. So this all happens the second time this year we have gotten to go somewhere alone. He has left for a few days because he cannot stand to be around the kids and flat out told them, he does not consider them his kids anymore and he does not care about them either and they are grounded until they are 18. Which is 6 years for my son and 4 years for my daughter. I feel both children need to be punished beyond our domain which is why we filed the police report but it may never go to court. However, I did call my daughter's probation officer to tell about the incident so now her shoplifting incident will not be removed from her record since she has breached her contract. I do not want to send my daughter away, she needs to pay for the consequences and my son also for being involved. Their biological father cannot take care of them, he can barely take care of himself and he does drugs so I do not feel it would be to their benefit to go there but I ask you, would this be the better choice for my marriage or do you think the counseling will help all involved. Personally, I feel my husband is sometimes too harsh with the older kids but he feels I am at fault for leaving them alone. Does anyone have any good advise?

[draconis]

Sometimes kids that age do stupid things. I did. I am sure you and your husband were not perfect. Maybe you didn't do things that bad but some things young people do get out of hand. It depends if your kids can live to learn from this. Being to harsh might mean they will simply rebel more. Punish them for a time, make them earn what they have damaged, etc. I think your husband over reacted.

draconis

[Triton]

Let's get this right- your husband over reacted because he cares. If he was Mr. Cool - he would not give a ! I have friends that have kids from outside relationships , and would never over react. Know why ? They could care less. He has been through alot. He was wrong for saying he does not consider them his kids .

[gold907]

Thank you for your responses. I just wanted an outside objective opinion and I know my husband does care very much, he has always considered his step children his and has always said so and I know he said things in anger. But he was very, very hurt by their actions because he told me before he left that had it been one of their uncle's car, it would not have happened. Anyway, I have already told all the other children involved that they are never ever allowed near my house or around my children. The sad thing is that all the other parents we confronted whose children were involved flat out lied except one that they were even at my house when the police came. So I have heard through the grapevine that they are not even being punished unless of course this case goes to court and the fingerprints the police lifted prove them guilty. It just seems that grounding my daughter over and over again does not prove to make her learn from her mistakes as each mistake escalates into a bigger mistake each time. I feel responsible as her mother that I am not doing a good job or something right because she keeps doing things even though she knows its wrong. I have switched her into another school to get her away from bad influences of the choice of friends she makes. From time to time she cuts her wrists and has done so again. Anyway I have to say that my daughter's actions and attitude all started to change when I had my other daughter, the one year old with my husband now. I just want my husband whom I love very much to get along with my daughter who I do not want to send away because I do not think it will benefit her life or education. My husband has taken this action very personally against him, which is why he has left for a few days to calm down and think things through. So I know objectively you all say he is over reacting, but it is because he knows that the kids subconsciously let this episode happen because it was his truck. I have called to arrange counseling for my daughter and will try to implement family counseling as there are deep seated issues with my husband and her.

[draconis]

Don't take the cutting to lighty. Often people cut themselves to feel physical pain in place of mental pain or abuse.

I have seen many parents act as you have said. In my neighborhood I had parents threaten me because I stopped their children from breaking into a house (no kidding).

As far as your daughter is concerned is it possible to tail her for a week were all of her open time is spent near you? This maybe heavy punishment for her.

draconis

[swedish]

I have 3 kids myself (18, 14, 12) and my husband is their step-father. I know first-hand that raising teenagers can be difficult. I'm glad you are taking your daughter for counseling as the cutting and behavior are a pretty clear sign that she has a lot going on in her head that she is unhappy about.

My husband nearly left because of the difficulties of raising my kids. He was feeling totally disrespected by my eldest and although I was too he does not have that unconditional love for my kids.

My eldest has gone into screaming rages when he doesn't get his way (for example, he wanted to borrow my car to visit his girlfriend at work during an ice storm where I wouldn't even go on the road) The things that come out of his mouth when he's like this are very hurtful and disturbing, but I stay calm and don't let him get me riled up (I'm not a yeller) and just keep repeating "you need to stop screaming if you want to talk to me"
My son has gotten into my face screaming and has physically pushed/hit me. Those are the times where my husband steps in and holds him back which makes him go off on my husband (who is totally non-violent) so it's a bad situation all around and my husband felt that he didn't want to live with this anymore and we could both see how it affected my 2 younger kids.

Here's what I did. I made a list of every instance I could think of over the years where he made a big (or small) impact on them. I talked to him about parenting and my perspective (being their birth mom) is that it's my responsibility to guide them into being healthy, happy, responsible adults and I always keep that in mind when they act up. I then told my husband the things he has done for my kids and the impact he has made and what it would do to them if he left (he really felt they would be better off) I talked about the hurtful things my son has said to both of us and that him not being his dad, etc. were said because my son was pulling the most hurtful things he could think of, not because he believes them...I was at the receiving end of 'you are a horrible mother and I hate you'. I told him parenting can feel very one-sided at times when you pour in your time, energy, money and get disrespect in return it's not always obvious that you are making any progress at all. Then I was at my son's band concert and a woman I did not know walked up and said 'are you his mom? I have to tell you, I drive your son's bus and I know how teenagers can be and you must be doing something right because he is the nicest, most respectful kid I have ever met' And I almost had to hold his arm and say 'you mean this one?' So the rewards may come at a much later time, and as adults we tend to avoid people that are 'takers' and that don't seem to appreciate us but when it's our own we need to go against that grain, which is natural for me but not for my husband as their step-dad.

He has always been good with my kids, taking them to the movies & never misses a game or concert, but he is now going a step further by just going to them and asking how their day was, having conversations about the latest with my eldest's car stereo & going out to look at what he installed & listening to the latest battle on WOW that my middle son had today or taking my daughter to batting cages before her next game. I'm sure he could think of many things he'd rather be doing but he's really stepped up to make sure they know he cares about them.

I can imagine how your husband is feeling. I hope when the dust settles a bit, you can have a good talk about what to do next. Make sure he knows he is valued, even if he can't see it right now. Kids will act up more when it comes to 'your car/your house/etc' because they are comfortable there. It's not an intentional attack on him. I hope you are able to get some family counseling as I don't think Plan B (living with their dad) is even an option from what you've said. You must be drained I'm sure (mom is the glue of the family in these cases, I know first-hand) but I would try to show a lot of empathy towards your husband and come up with solutions that will let him see there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

One thing I did say was that if my son could not control his temper, he would have to move out after high school. He has now arranged to live with his dad and go to college near him (which makes me nervous but I know it's the best considering our situation) He knows now that he is 18 I have no obligation to provide food/clothing/shelter if he doesn't live by our rules. We have had a very peaceful summer so far

My other suggestions were that my husband get more involved with the day to day parenting. Instead of mom taking care of everything, he will step in now and go with my daughter to buy her a new mitt, etc. so they see now that he's part of our family, not just mom's husband.

Anyway, hang in there....you are not alone....It will get better...don't give up hope.

[gold907]

Thank you Swedish for your words of encouragement and Draconis. My daughter has not been out of my sight for over a month as she is not allowed to go anywhere if I am not with her other than the community service she is doing at the convalescent home. I had told her when the community service was done she could go over friends' houses but until then she was only allowed to have one friend over at our house so she would not be completely cut off from her friends. But since this incident I have taken both phones away from my son and daughter and they will never get them back and they are not allowed to even talk on the house phone with anyone unless they are family. They are not allowed to have friends over indefinitely until I see improvement in their attitude and respect for their step dad. So basically right now they have no social life at all and no tv or video games or computer and thats how its been for the last week. I also told them since there was damage to the truck they will not get new school clothes or birthday presents or Christmas presents from us especially for my daughter since I have to pay $162 to Winco for mascara and eyeshadow. As far as I am concerned that is the consequences for their actions.

Swedish you are right about my husband not understanding the unconditional love we will have for our children and I am sure he will treat and feel differently when our daughter who is 1 1/2 is a teen and gets into trouble. But for now I just dont know how to help him understand. My son who is 12 is closer to him and was deeply hurt by what he said about denying being their father because he has always considered him "dad" since he was only 2 when we met. My ex is not totally bad, just very poor (he has no furniture in his apt at all and he's been living there with his girlfriend and her 2 children for 2 years already and I know he still smokes pot and has no drivers license and cannot get one until he pays all his child support, but he is simply not a good role model) and when my kids do go down to visit, they are more grateful for the things they have at home although they talk to him often especially my daughter like he is their age. All in all he is not the best influence and tells them to go live with him if things get too bad here instead of paying for the consequences of their actions. But you're right, he is really not an option as far as I'm concerned.

My daughter I fear is jealous of the baby and the amount of time I have to spend on her because she is a baby. I think she resents the baby and she always says things like "you would be happier if I left or if I would die, then you wouldn't have to deal with me". Her counselor at school has said she is crying for more attention from me. I personally have a lot on my plate now because I am going to school for my teacher's credential and masters, work and take care of 3 kids. My husband helps a lot when he gets home from work with the baby when I am swamped with homework and even takes the older kids to friends houses or picks up their friends and helps with dinner but I just dont know how to begin to mend the relationship with my older daughter and him.

Thank you so much for reminding me to tell and show him how important he is to our family. I will really try and show him when he decides to come home and start dealing with this situation.

[swedish]

Just another thought--I understand your reasoning behind the severity of their punishment, but they may shut down even more and try to rebel (sneak out/etc) if it goes on for too long, especially if they do not see the end in sight. I would suggest using this time to do more family type or even better one on one things with the older kids. I had trouble getting my son to go to counseling so I sort of bribed him and said after the meeting we would go to dinner together. After a few weeks, we both looked forward to going because we had a nice quiet dinner afterward and could talk. Even lunch, bowling, mini-golf, batting cages or anything where you are focused on them in a fun & positive way. It won't take away from the punishments you have in place and may make them feel better about themselves and the family over time. I find it the best opportunity to just chat about the choices they make now and how their good choices will give them so many opportunities down the road (do well in school and you will have many more choices of what to do after you graduate, etc.) I have had conversations with all 3 of mine on becoming an adult & what it costs from month to month...I think they are all sold on the idea at this point that going to university for four years sounds like a much better plan then going off on their own and getting an apartment, job. Anyway, seems early for these talks, but I want them to know that they are important and their future is important and they have more control over their life than they might think. It's not so different than talking to your spouse when something is bothering you...if they know your intentions are all good they will be more apt to open up without fear of being yelled at or their feelings dismissed. Even though I look at my kids and think they've got it made, they also are going through puberty, trying to fit in at school, etc. and to them they may be dealing with a lot more than we sometimes give them credit for.

[gold907]

Thank you again Swedish for your input. I am constantly talking to the older kids about their future, they went with me when we opened their savings account years back and they have been taught how to fill out deposit slips and understand what balancing a check book means. Being in the teaching profession I see so many kids that do not have the advantages that my children have as far as parental care and support and parent involvement. I sub at their schools, know all their teachers even their schedules, I know all their friends and many parents. I definitely have used this opportunity to talk to them more especially about the consequences of their choices and how all these decisions affect their future but I cannot bring myself to allow them to have fun right now when I am looking at about $2000 worth of damage to our truck and the fact that they abused my trust. What if someone had gotten hurt or even killed for doing something so stupid, 2 of her friends took the truck off-roading in the desert and thats where all the damage came from. Now that my daughter has broken her contract her shoplifting crime is now going to court and she had almost finished all her community service hours for this misdemeanor to go completely off her record and now she has lost that opportunity. I have told her she is going to see a counselor and am waiting for the paperwork for the referral and she seems open to it and thinks its funny that I told her she needs professional help.

You have given me great advice and its nice to know I am not the only one out there going through dealing with teenage angst. Thank you again.

[gold907]

This is the step dad, I would like to say thanks for all the input, it has helped to see how others deal. It is very hard when we feel like the return is not worth our efforts. gold and I know things have to be stronger with us to help the kids.

[swedish]

Hi Step-dad! I'm glad to see you are both working as a united front I don't know many parents who don't sometimes feel no matter what they do they have somehow failed parenting in some way, but my late mother used to say she may not always know what to do but she will never give up on her kids. My brother was well on his way to prison when he was a teen and now he's a respected urologist. She never gave up, even when it seemed hopeless