[fire_vogel]

is there anyone on the forum who has to deal with a situation of conflict with the in-laws? my in-laws and my own family aren't on good terms and it's absolute hell. while i never try to take sides, my husband is always siding with his family, even when they are obviously wrong. we tend to argue about this a lot, it's so frustrating because he never budges from his stand and i always end up feeling misunderstood and alienated. plus i have gone through some emotionally traumatising phases lately... and have become very vulnerable emotionally. so my reactions are no more what they used to be... these days, i tend to react with tears and helplessness.

sometimes when we talk about our family issues, or rather the issues i have with his family (coz he doesn't interact with my family, so there are no possible issues), i feel he says he understands and sympathises only to get me to get over it and move on to another subject as quickly as possible. and that hurts even more.

but then i just bottle everything up inside, but i know that isn't good either.

[draconis]

My parents and my siblings spouse's parents hate each other.

For the most part holiday with them are split because it is the only way to keep the peace for everyone.

I think you need to tell your husband that his first family is in his house and that you need to be united in all decissions. He has to help and back you at standing up to his parents.

draconis

[fire_vogel]

Originally Posted by draconis

My parents and my siblings spouse's parents hate each other.

For the most part holiday with them are split because it is the only way to keep the peace for everyone.

I think you need to tell your husband that his first family is in his house and that you need to be united in all decissions. He has to help and back you at standing up to his parents.

draconis

hmm, well the hate issue is much present between my parents and his parents. or specially, between my parents and his mother.

my husband is pretty much told me that he does not want to stand up to his parents, he loves them way too much and that is the reason why he even overlooks all that they do wrong. but then i kindly pointed out that the wrong they are doing is not to just anybody, but to ME, his WIFE. he sorts of places his family on this pedestal and despite all the crap they do to me, he just overlooks it all. it's very frustrating and tiring. he doesn't interact with my family at all, but since i married him, i compromised for the sake of our happiness, specially HIS happiness and made lots of effort to interact with his family. but his kind are very manipulative and his mother is a control freak. but like i said, he just overlooks all that and has a justification for EVERY SINGLE WRONG they do to me.

[draconis]

When me and my wife were first together she stood up to my father for something he did that she thought was wrong. When it came down to it my dad came to me as if I would soften the blow for him and "make her see".

Instead I told him he was wrong, She is my wife and I stand by her, Any decision she makes is as if I make.

Although family (parents and siblings) will always be there and a spouse can come and go. There is never going to be anyone that understands or that you are closer to then a husband wife. This is not just a general thing or a social one. There is a science behind it too (chemical).

I think your husband is being selfish because he is letting you take all the crap. I think the first thing you need to do is take a stand vs your husband. You deserve to have a man that puts his wife and kids first, period.

draconis

[Andrea]

With my first marriage, i HATED my mother in law. She drove me nuts! She was always butting in our lives and such and would cause nonsense fights over nothing. And my ex would ALWAYS side with his family. It would cause such fights between the ex and I. My ex and I had alot of problems and the MIL was one of them. The MIL and i would scream mean stuff to each other all the time. She and I would also get into horrible fights too. Funny thing is now we are good friends. I went to a therapist/counceling to deal with my issues with her.

Luckily the in laws i have now are wonderful. i love them to death!

[fire_vogel]

when i take a stand vs my husband and try to make him see things from where i stand - instead of me constantly having to see things from where he stands - it completely backfires on me in the sense that he stops giving emotionally, becomes distant and sometimes, even mean.
like i said somewhere before, i've endured quite a lot emotionally lately, but specially two situations, one of which i am not ready to talk about just yet and the other being the loss of my Uncle about 3 weeks back, a man who was like a father to me. and given that there's this feud between my family and my husband's family, i also feel that he isn't being able to sympathise with me (in relation to my Uncle's passing away) the way i would like him to.

when my family would make attacks on my husband's character and stuff, i would stop them right there and tell them not to say a single word against my husband. and they would stop. they realised that i wasn't going to allow them to sling any mud at him. and now, i compromise and would rather that my husband have nothing to do with my family than have them curse or insult him or things like that and treat him in a way he simply doesn't deserve.
but on the other hand, my husband expects me to interact with his side of the family and deal with all the crap they throw at me (coz anyway, he doesn't see it for what it really is...). sometimes it's like he's telling me that it's all just in my head. it drives me nuts when he reacts like that. like i'm crazy and am just making up stories to drive rifts between himself and his family.

somewhere down the line, i feel like my emotional health is really going way downhill and i'm tired of compromising, understanding, giving and trying.
sometimes i wish that of all the things he does for me materially speaking, if he could just shift from that a bit and invest into the emotional side of things too and balance it all out, i'd finally feel at peace.

[draconis]

From my side I can tell you at one time I made good money, my family never went without the things they wanted. A few years back for reasons beyond my control we lost all that. The fact of the matter is the love and support we had for one another kept us going reguardless of the situation. So you are not crazy to think that emotional support is important.

Maybe, withdrawl from his sides family function. He will ask you to go and question it. Tell him that you will not UNLESS he provides the protection to you you deserve. Point out to him YOU have done it with your famly, and you expect the same in return. The fact is he has made it so he doesn't have to deal with your family and you provided support for him.

It is hard to want the relationship to work well and I am against the general idea of doing something out of revenge but he needs a wake up call because he is delusional on what is really happening.

It is horrid that in todays age we expect more from women and keep cuddling men.

draconis

[fire_vogel]

Originally Posted by draconis

From my side I can tell you at one time I made good money, my family never went without the things they wanted. A few years back for reasons beyond my control we lost all that. The fact of the matter is the love and support we had for one another kept us going reguardless of the situation. So you are not crazy to think that emotional support is important.

Maybe, withdrawl from his sides family function. He will ask you to go and question it. Tell him that you will not UNLESS he provides the protection to you you deserve. Point out to him YOU have done it with your famly, and you expect the same in return. The fact is he has made it so he doesn't have to deal with your family and you provided support for him.

It is hard to want the relationship to work well and I am against the general idea of doing something out of revenge but he needs a wake up call because he is delusional on what is really happening.

It is horrid that in todays age we expect more from women and keep cuddling men.

draconis

i see what you mean and would very much like to put these guidelines into practice, but his reactions are too much for me to handle right now, i am emotionally too weak to handle them and will have to work on this first. i need to regain my emotional strength and consequently, my mental strength as well.
i actually suffered a miscarriage in the time that we were separated, he offered whatever support he could over the distance, but now that i'm physically present, we hardly talk about it. i've lost a lot, and so has he, but i dealt with all of it alone, and now that he has the chance to give me a little bit of support, he's not doing it.
but i guess it's my fault too, for i'm not communicating my needs. but fear of not being listened to or heard stops me from communicating. and that, again, is my mistake.

[kajira]

I'm not sure if this can help your situtation, however, I do have this to say. My mother-in-law has lived with me since I was first married (18 years). This has been a huge factor in the downfall of my marriage. I do love the woman dearly, however, I do not feel my husband has ever placed me before her. I know that may sound harsh, but it is honest. There needs to be boundries, ground rules. I let her set them and I was wrong. Therefore, my relationship lost out. I do'nt feel we were ever allowed the opprotunity to set the foundation for a postive relationship. I never have felt like the woman of the house. If I want something done one way, she does it her way, etc. I don't want the dogs in the house (that lasted three hours). In my case it became clear what I said didn't matter, or I was made to feel it didn't matter enough. The spouse needs to stand up for the other spouse..........

[fire_vogel]

Originally Posted by kajira

I'm not sure if this can help your situtation, however, I do have this to say. My mother-in-law has lived with me since I was first married (18 years). This has been a huge factor in the downfall of my marriage. I do love the woman dearly, however, I do not feel my husband has ever placed me before her. I know that may sound harsh, but it is honest. There needs to be boundries, ground rules. I let her set them and I was wrong. Therefore, my relationship lost out. I do'nt feel we were ever allowed the opprotunity to set the foundation for a postive relationship. I never have felt like the woman of the house. If I want something done one way, she does it her way, etc. I don't want the dogs in the house (that lasted three hours). In my case it became clear what I said didn't matter, or I was made to feel it didn't matter enough. The spouse needs to stand up for the other spouse..........

i see exactly what you mean. we lived with my mother in law for the first 5 months of our marriage, and it was utter hell. well of course, there were the nice moments. but day to day life was complete hell, i couldn't do anything the way i wanted to, she wanted to have control over everything and he would let her, i would have no say in the matter and he would support her in everything she would do. she would criticise pretty much everything that i would do, the cooking, cleaning, etc. instead of having a nice beginning to my marriage, i had to deal with the antics of his mother. i have compromised so much since the beginning of my relationship, i am still compromising a lot and giving so much, i can't figure out from where i'm getting the strength to react the way i am reacting. i guess i must have some hidden reserves somewhere inside of me, but i do think the reserves won't be eternal.
the mother in law is returning in a month or so and intends very much to live with us again, so i have a month or so to find a solution to that or a month or so before i completely lose it.
the way things are going, i think i'm more prone to losing it than anything else. despite telling me that he understands that living with us is not an option we should consider for his mother, he still asked me a couple of nights ago if we should consider it anyway. i swear, i love this man. but sometimes, he just does my head in.

[kajira]

If the mother in law is going to stay with you, set the ground rules. Talk with your husband before she moves in so he understands that you want to be able to compromise, however, you don't want to loose yourself in the process and you need his support, love and understanding. I think if you go into this with things out in the open, you just might have a chance.

[evenow]

the mother in law is returning in a month or so and intends very much to live with us again, so i have a month or so to find a solution to that or a month or so before i completely lose it.

If I remember correctly, aren't you already in a shared house and thinking about moving? Way too many things on your plate to consider having someone else move in.

This may sound a little radical, but why on earth do YOU have to find a solution? She's a grown woman! She wants to live with you, tough. She needs to find other arrangements. Your husband doesn't like it? Who exactly is he married to? Who does he want to spend the rest of his life with? If that answer is his mother, then by all means let her move in and you can move on to someone else who has cut their apron strings.

You may look like a terrible meanie, but you'll be a sane one. Besides, you and your husband need space to work on your relationship. That would be impossible with his MOM in the house. If he's unable to side with you and stand up for you while they live elsewhere, your life will be hell if you allow his family to move in. If he develops the ability to create boundaries and stand up to his family, treat the two of you as a unit, listen to your concerns and act on them in a manner that makes YOU, yes YOU comfortable--then and only then should you even consider allowing his mother to move in.

[fire_vogel]

Originally Posted by evenow

If I remember correctly, aren't you already in a shared house and thinking about moving? Way too many things on your plate to consider having someone else move in.

This may sound a little radical, but why on earth do YOU have to find a solution? She's a grown woman! She wants to live with you, tough. She needs to find other arrangements. Your husband doesn't like it? Who exactly is he married to? Who does he want to spend the rest of his life with? If that answer is his mother, then by all means let her move in and you can move on to someone else who has cut their apron strings.

You may look like a terrible meanie, but you'll be a sane one. Besides, you and your husband need space to work on your relationship. That would be impossible with his MOM in the house. If he's unable to side with you and stand up for you while they live elsewhere, your life will be hell if you allow his family to move in. If he develops the ability to create boundaries and stand up to his family, treat the two of you as a unit, listen to your concerns and act on them in a manner that makes YOU, yes YOU comfortable--then and only then should you even consider allowing his mother to move in.

i feel like printing your post and kindly offering my husband a read... or simpler, pasting this in an email and forwarding it to him. like some kind of wake up call you know.

his mother has a friend with whom she can live here in the uk, but seemingly doesn't want to. she'd rather live with us. and yes you are right, my husband and i are currently living in a shared house, but in the event that the mother lives with us, we will be moving to a flat, so it'll be just the three of us (that's how it used to be before i returned to homeland for visa renewal purposes... and it was hell).

taking your advice as well as Kajira's into consideration, there is some groundwork to do before i can even think of her coming to live with us. but to be completely honest, his mother simply makes me unhappy, and even if my husband manages to work on standing up for me and supporting me when it comes to his parents, i still don't want to compromise and live with her. i'm tired of making certain compromises, and this is one i am absolutely not ready to make anymore. it's just too tiring and makes me miserable.

in my times of darkest despair (or maybe calm lucidity... it's hard to say) i've told myself that if things don't work out and my husband refuses to compromise for the sake of my and our happiness, i can always move to a place of MY OWN and live alone and try to work things out for myself. i apprehend the pain that will cause to me... but deep down inside, i know that it is an option i have in the event that things don't work out.

[draconis]

Originally Posted by fire_vogel

i feel like printing your post and kindly offering my husband a read... or simpler, pasting this in an email and forwarding it to him. like some kind of wake up call you know.

his mother has a friend with whom she can live here in the uk, but seemingly doesn't want to. she'd rather live with us. and yes you are right, my husband and i are currently living in a shared house, but in the event that the mother lives with us, we will be moving to a flat, so it'll be just the three of us (that's how it used to be before i returned to homeland for visa renewal purposes... and it was hell).

taking your advice as well as Kajira's into consideration, there is some groundwork to do before i can even think of her coming to live with us. but to be completely honest, his mother simply makes me unhappy, and even if my husband manages to work on standing up for me and supporting me when it comes to his parents, i still don't want to compromise and live with her. i'm tired of making certain compromises, and this is one i am absolutely not ready to make anymore. it's just too tiring and makes me miserable.

in my times of darkest despair (or maybe calm lucidity... it's hard to say) i've told myself that if things don't work out and my husband refuses to compromise for the sake of my and our happiness, i can always move to a place of MY OWN and live alone and try to work things out for myself. i apprehend the pain that will cause to me... but deep down inside, i know that it is an option i have in the event that things don't work out.

By all means you need to tell your husband how you feel. You are family first and he needs to understand that. If it is a money issue look at other options because it seems like your choices are bad and worse.

draconis

[fire_vogel]

Originally Posted by draconis

By all means you need to tell your husband how you feel. You are family first and he needs to understand that. If it is a money issue look at other options because it seems like your choices are bad and worse.

draconis

like i wrote in a previous post to Vonster... my husband is basically the first in our relationship to lay down the weapons and give up on us. he can easily kill 'hope' with just his pessimistic words and approach to 'us'.
he actually told me the other day that if i'm so unhappy with it all, then i can move to a place of my own if i really can't deal with it. he did have a smile on his face while saying it, so maybe he was just joking, or pulling my legs (thinking that i wouldn't have the heart to do something like that)... but still, it was pretty hurtful. though on the spot i didn't say anything about it.

right now, things are pretty OK. our relationship is getting along pretty quietly, and it's nice. but i know the big stuff is coming up ahead (like the move we're considering, and his mother coming over to the UK...). so am kind of bracing myself for all that...