[MyKidsMom]

Wow, Ok let me start by saying Im a step mother to a perfect teen age daughter that is almost 16 in other words (my daughter by heart) I may have hated her mother and now got along with her mother, but my god they are just kids.

Im sorry if this sounds mean but he77, Kick that B*(&% to to curb. Your kids are just that YOUR kids and she should support you. What would happen if the shoe was on the other foot, and she was number one mother of your child? and number 2 steped in saying no no no.

One more thing what advice would you give your kids if this was happing to them in their life. Would you say turn your back or ????????????

I don’t know about you but I would and never have told my husband No, when it comes to his daughter, no matter how much it hurt me,cause for one it’s not about ME. She(step-daughter) is a blessing and I chose to think of every minute I get to spend with her as god sent. Cause of her I almost did not have kids cause I was so happy with my life being a parental unit to her.

Wow I want to kick this gal in the head. I’m so heated right now ugggggggggggggg. All I know is that I love my step-daughter like she was my own and I would never want for anything to hurt her especial your DADDY.

I know I have not helped but I think you need to know These are your KIDS stick up for them, cause no one else is going to do it but you DADDY.

Sorry for this post but I feel very strongly about my kids no matter if they came from me or not.

[Gtarist62]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, it's frustrating for me because I see how my wife is with our daughter, and I wish she could show 1/10th of that love to my other kids. I keep hoping she will warm to them a little. Maybe in time she will, but it's been four years now.

[MyKidsMom]

Gtarist62- She will never warm up to them sorry, it is what it is. I would not stand for this for one minute. These are your blessings from above stick up for them. Sorry I just cant and wont get over the fact that she is so cold. It is not the kids fault that they were born hello and things are the way they are just be lucky as a woman that you found a wonderful man and he loves his kids. I know plenty of men out there that would turn a blind eye on there children if it did not work out with their mothers. She should feel blessed all the way around.

[lollipop]

[quote=stav;4700]Now you are just being silly, you asked for our input, you are getting it... you can't just have the bits you like!

Stav you sound like a very smart woman. You hit it right on the nose. I was in a similar situation and that is exactly how I felt. I didn't hate the other kids, they were cutie pies, but my husband soon to be ex would feel guilty about them and ignore my 1yr old when they were around. For example...He took all 3 kids out with him and I met them there and saw that while he was playing with his older kids my 11month old at the time was crawling around unsupervised and his back was turned to her.

There is always 2 sides to a story, gtarist62, you sound like a difficult man to get along with, and for the record women sense things. When you sneak around like taking your kids when she is at work instead of being honest it causes distrust. It's easier to get over an arguement then to gain trust again. She probably felt like you were hiding something.

[Mrs. Mongalo]

"Your wife doesn't hate your kids, she is feeling threatened by them. To her you are putting the first woman and her kids with you, ahead of her and the daughter you had together. It is natural protective instinct. She feels her daughter is not getting the love and attention you are giving to the other 'first' kids."

I AGREE fully!! I am married to the love of my life, and together we have a beautiful little girl.. Well my husband has a 3 yeard old son with a woman who he could not stand from the start, but because she was EASY he just stuck with it... In the beginning of our relationship this woman stalked us, called us, harassed us in every sense of the word... She would constantly tell me that I am nothing to her sin just a babysitter, and to stay away from him... Over time, that wore me down and I just stopped paying attention to him... Then when she found out I was pregnant, she actually called me and said " YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE, I HOPE YOUR BABY DIES".. Imagine what that did to me!! Then she would say "Well at least now youcan stop PRETENDING with mine"... So yeah, I was put through HELL for a while...

Well, now things have calmed down and everyone is civil... However my relationship with my step son has never returned to what it used to be... It doesnt help that my mother in law blatantly FAVORS him over MY daughter right there in front of me! And trust me I do not imagine this... Members of my husbands OWN family have confirmed that with me... It is just sooooo hard to WANT my stepson around! Also, in the Hispanic culture the FIRST born is ALWAYS treated differently, and I KNOW that... They all make it very clear that my stepson came FIRST!!

Sometimes I just wanna scream to all of them "MY HUSBAND DIDNT EVEN WANT THIS KID... HE HIMSELF KNOWS HE SHOULD NOT HAVE MESSED AROUND WITH THAT WOMAN AND JUST BECAUSE HE IS THE FIRST BORN TO YOU, HE IS NOT TO ME, AND I EXPECT MY DAUGHTER TO BE TREATED THE SAME!!!"

So believe me, she does not HATE your kids... But she probably DOES feel some resentment that they are not HERS with you!! Its never fun to deal with baby momma drama and kids from another relationship that just reminds her constantly that you have a past... Now granted she KNEW that when she met you... But it doesnt make it easier... Just be patient with her... And really be sure that when its you, her and YOUR child to give them extra attention and extra love... Because she might not be feeling that from you... She might be feeling that you dont love THIS child as much as your others because this one was not your FIRST... And this IS her first... If I remember correctly... So just make sure to remind her that THIS child was born out of LOVE... Unlike the first 2... And that might make her feel a little more assured that her and your daughter are just as much a priority as your other kids...

[Goodkatt]

Hello GT,

Thank God for good fathers like you. DO NOT LET ANYONE GET IN BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!!! NO ONE! NO ONE! NO ONE!

You know what the right thing is and that is why you are getting depressed. Dolly needs some boundaries. It is not appropriate for her to call the mother of your children names and to get in between you and your children.

Your children should always be number one; all of them. Dolly needs to understand that your first two children born are your family and this is not up for negotiation. She should be proud that you are a good father. She should welcome your children and try to be a positive stepmother in their life. Your youngest daughter’s life is blessed with your first two born children. Dolly needs to “grow up” and be a good wife and a good mother to her daughter. She should promote all of the children being together and loving each other. Dolly needs to get clear on how destructive she is being to you and all three children. Shame on her!!

We have all heard about dead-beat-dads. Dolly should be grateful that you are a loving and caring father who is active in all his children’s lives. Dolly needs to wake up and count her blessing to have such a wonderful husband and father for her daughter.

Remember: Girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives may come and go, but your children will always be your children. Love them and be the type of parent you wanted and they need. The love that you give your children will give them a solid foundation to life. If you are not active in your children’s lives, if you are not emotionally available to them, they will experience a love deficiency and look for that love elsewhere. This could be very damaging.

Do not let Dolly have control and diminish the quality of your relationship with any of your children. She knew you had children when she married you, and she needs to deal with it. She needs to learn that no one has the option to get in between any of your children. NO ONE!!

Do what whatever is necessary to create a positive and loving environment for you and all of your children.

Good luck and keep being a fantastic dad!! Take your younger daughter with you when you pick up your other children for ice cream.

[Maxie]

I'm a step-mother myself. I was not easy the first few years. Being a step-mother is hard because there are pre-existing demands on your husband's time and you never really get that honeymoon period that couples with no preexisting obligations have. That doesn't mean however that your wife is right to threat your children badly. She knew they were there going into the marriage. She can't expect to cut them out now. Have you shown this thread to your wife? She may need to see it to get a different perspective. It may make her angry at first but I bet she will think about some of the things that have been said. You might even want to invite her to come tell her side of the story.

Originally Posted by Gtarist62

I decided that it was in everyone's best interest for me to cut back a little on the amount of time I was spending with them, so I went to 3 afternoons a week.

Sorry, but it never in a child's best interest to see less of their parents.

Originally Posted by Gtarist62

Then, Dolly got pregnant.

My goodness, three accidental children? Do you know about birth control?

Originally Posted by Gtarist62

Over the past two years, her intolerance of my other kids has blossomed into pure contempt.

She needs to grow up. These are your children also and she knew they were there before she married you. She is an adult and they are children and that is the way she needs to start acting.

Originally Posted by Gtarist62

Here's an example: My daughter calls to ask if I can take them for ice cream. My wife says "if you do it, they'll be calling you every day asking for it." One evening, my daughter asked me if I could bring her and my son some McDonalds because their mom was working and there was nothing to eat in the house. My wife (who was at work at the time) said "what are you -- a delivery man now?"

Again, she needs to grow up. You are not a delivery man for taking food to your own kids. I'm sure she expects you to do these kind of things with her child, does she not understand these kids need their father also??

Originally Posted by Gtarist62

The problem is, I've been trying to walk a fine line between keeping them happy and avoiding a big fight with my wife. And trust me -- EVERY time I do anything extra with my kids, Dolly and I have a fight, with her saying things to me like:
"You want two families."
"You're always putting your kids and that ***** above me and your daughter."

Obviously she has the other mother and the kids linked in her mind. I am assuming that you don't include the other mother when you do things with your kids - if you do then I would understand your wife's anger over the other mother (but not the kids).

Originally Posted by Gtarist62

It's been so bad, that my mother won't ask me about my other kids in front of my wife for fear that it will start a fight between us.

That's a shame that a grandmother can't ask about her own grandkids. I'm sure that doesn't help your wife's relationship with your mother.

Originally Posted by Gtarist62

Dolly always refers to my ex as "the ****," or "the *****,"

Okay I will say it yet again - she needs to grow up. Name calling is so inmature.

Originally Posted by Gtarist62

because she feels that my ex was trying to trap me into marrying her by getting pregnant twice (I never did).

Well maybe she was and maybe she wasn't, but obviously you didn't go for it and Dolly needs to take note of that fact. But whatever the motive of the other mother it is not the kids fault, they have no control over the circumstances into which they were born.

Originally Posted by Gtarist62

I'm tired of seeing the look on my kids' faces when I tell them they can't go someplace with us. I'm tired of saying "no" when they ask me for ice cream. I've actually snuck over and picked them up for a few hours when my wife goes to work.

You shouldn't have to sneak to see your own children. It sounds like you are bending over backwards to avoid trouble with Dolly and it isn't working, so why keep making your kids suffer? Start picking them up again. Tell Dolly ahead of time that you are doing so and try to include all three of your children at one time and include Dolly also.

Originally Posted by Gtarist62

I'd rather be alone and get to see all three of my kids whenever I want than to stay with someone who treats me and my kids this way.

Sadly it may seem like that may be the only option. Can I give a little advice and say that if you and Dolly do split up that you be extra careful to not impregnate any more women anytime soon - it sounds like your life is complicated enough without another woman and child. I'm not saying don't have a social life but you may need to spend the next few years consecrating on you kids - all three of them. These are the formative years and how involved these kids are with their parents will have an effect for the rest of their life. We all know boys need a strong father figure, and studies show that girls with an involved father are less likely to engage in sex at a very young age, but girls with no father or poor father figure are at an increased risk of early teenage pregnancy and other risk factors. So don't think for one second that your kids don't need you to be involved and be a good role model.


Feel free to print out my reply and show it to Dolly, it won't hurt anything if she gets mad at me.

I would also recommend counseling for you and Dolly. If she really cares about you and her marriage she will go.

[crazycasey]

Wow, I can't believe your wife would treat you in such a way. Shouldnt she think that its admirable that you love your kids and want to spend time with them? If you and her were divorced, would she not want you to spend the same amount of time with her children? I think that your kids should come first and anybody that has kids should know this. The love that you have for your kids outweighs all others. She sounds selfish and childish to me and I think that really, she needs to grow up and get over it. She knew you had other children when she decided to get pregnant by you and marry you. Maybe counseling or a couple of good books on the subject might do her some good. At least if she did some couseling, you would have a non-biased party that would let her in on the fact that caring for your children isnt such a bad thing!

[puresugar]

Originally Posted by stav

I'm sorry but..

Your wife doesn't hate your kids, she is feeling threatened by them. To her you are putting the first woman and her kids with you, ahead of her and the daughter you had together. It is natural protective instinct. She feels her daughter is not getting the love and attention you are giving to the other 'first' kids. What are you doing to show her otherwise? You could try being a bit more considerate of your wife's feelings about this. You should find that once she is more secure in her place, she will stop being so jealous of the time you spend with the others.

I also think you must cut ties with the first mother, who i am sure is a threat. After all you dumped her when she had your child, then went back to her years later and had another! Whats to stop you doing it again? I am not suggesting you will, but this is how your wife is seeing it.

When you are asked to take the kids for icecream, take all of them together.. and take your wife too.. then its a family outing with your wife as the matriarch figure. Kids are wonderful things, and your wife as a mother won't be able to resist cute little munchkins running about while you and she have a cappuchino or whatever. You appear to be cutting your wife out of your times with your other kids instead of including her... worth a try maybe?

Oh, and as for mother number one.. she's at work and two small kids are home alone with no food? wtf?? Over here it's illegal to leave children under 14 alone at home unsupervised by an adult..

I have only seen my boyfriend of a 1 year's daughter once and then he wonders why i feel like i do. He never includes (included) me in anything. This daughter happened to "show up" during the first 6 months of our relationship. the mother got pregnant (she told him she couldn't have any more kids) and then they broke up (he didn't know she was pregnant, he can't stand her, and doesn't want to be with her). She feels guilty and finally brings her around when she was 3 months old. She is now almost 9 months or so. I constantly try to be a part of his kids life. I get mad because he won't let me be a part of their lives. I do not have any children, yet. I am 28 he is 30. I may not ever be able to have childer so i feel maybe god brought this "baby" into our lives so I have a chance to feel what it's like to be a mother. But the more time that goes by and he goes to see her and spends time with her "excluding me" the more i honestly resent the child and i know that it's not the child's fault but i can't help it. That is why i am trying to find something on the internet that can help me understand the way i do. The reason i "hate his kids". and that's when i came across this and it's soooo true. I can somewhat understand where your wife is coming from. If you are not including her then she is going to feel left out. Granted those are your children and she is not their mother. She wants to feel as if you are ONE happy family verses you living TWO seperate lives. You need to include her or at least talk with her. I have came so close to leaving him because of his kids because i feel like such an outsider and then he gets mad at me if he catches me "rolling my eyes" when he talks about his kids. He knows i can't stand him talking about his kids because it's like well if you don't allow me to be a part of their lives then why should i care? Okay sorry i know this post has a lot to do with my situation, but i just wanted to give you an insight of what your wife is maybe feeling since from what you say, it sounds like we are going through the same thing. he used to call her EVERY NIGHT, he used to text the baby momma EVERY DAY, CALL EVERY DAY.. - i mean that is good and all, but when it comes to visitation if we are together then we are ALL together. For the record, i am a really loving caring person that WANTS to be a part of his kids life, but he's not allowing me so i end up turning against them instead. And i too feel threatened sometimes by the kid, because he left me to go live with his mother when the kid showed up on his doorstep at 3 months, so i always have it in the back of my head that he may leave me again because of his kids, just as your wife might think okay he had one, then went back to her and had another, who's to say that you are not doing the do again and won't be together, Granted you said that you don't want the ex back, but just giving you probably your wife's point of view. I have never given him any reason for him to not bring them around me. I know he doesn't want the baby momma back and when he goest to see his daughter, he goes when his mother has her. We do live together and i have seen the baby once. Sorry i just had to get this all off my chest.

My advice - sit her down (if the two of you are still together) talk about it. Try to include her, reassure her that she and your current daughter are just as important. Have her think about what if someone was trying to keep her from her daughter, reassure her that you for real don't want the ex. It even helps to talk about the ex (don't have to in front of the kids) but it makes her feel better - trust me i know from a womans point of view. Take her for dinner. I know it may sound good to have a good relationship with the ex for the sake of the kids, but that's not something the current wife/girl wants because she will feel threatened and cheated, so you may want to reduce the bond between you and your ex but not between you and your kids.

[Gtarist62]

Actually, I'm very easy to get along with. I went from seeing my other kids 3 -4 times a week to seeing them ONCE a week for about 4 hours. I did it because my wife wanted me to "concentrate on my new family." I went along, hoping it would be a temporary thing, but she drives me crazy while I have them, doing things like calling me 3 MINUTES after the time I'm supposed to drop them off, and if I haven't, she says things like "what - they're getting bonus time today??"
Anyway, I filed for divorce and now she's keeping me from seeing our daughter. She's the one who's "difficult to get along with."

[Gtarist62]

PURESUGAR
The difference is, my wife does not want to be a part of my kids' lives. She has even suggested I get DNA tests done on them to make sure they are mine. When I pick them up on my ONE DAY with them, she jumps in her car and takes our daughter to her mother's house.
As for your situation, it's terrible that your boyfriend doesn't include you in his child's life. You have the right to resent him for that, and I know it's hard to not resent his child, too, but it's a natural reaction. Another thing: Try hard to listen to his little stories about his kids. You may not think it means much, but that's his way of reaching out to you. I know how frustrating it can be to tell your wife about something funny or interesting your child did, only to see her roll her eyes. It hurts, man. My wife always gets a constipated look on her face when I talk about my other kids, and I know she's not the least bit interested, but if she ever acted like she was, it would really make me feel good.

[Gtarist62]

I think it's ludicrous to suggest I "cut ties" with the mother of my kids. How exactly would one do that? I barely have contact with her, other than to let her know when I'm picking them up. And I didn't "dump her" and then go back and have another kid. I stayed with her, even though I didn't love her, and eventually she got pregnant again.

[GAsoccerman]

i skimmed through did not read everything so please forgive me.

Now I come from a house were my father died when I was 1 year old, and my mother dated a man since I was 5 years old, they married when I was 14 yrs old...Now we knew each other a long time, but when we moved in, everything drastically changed.

His family lived 1 way, my family lived another.

We have 5 kids oon our side, they had 4 kids...With me being the youngest out of the 9 kids. So basically everyone was older and pretty much out of the house, except a few of us, me and my sister and 2 step brothers...now we all knew each other already for 9 years. But now all of a sudden we lived together.

My family was very open and leberal....IE sharing things, clothes, food, etc.

Other family very strict, shared nothing, food "labelled theirs" complete 180 from our lifestyle.

Now after many fights and rough times the kids realized....we were not the problem, the parents were...

My step brothers could do nothing right in my mother's eye's. My sister and I could do nothing right in their father's eye's. After all we were teenagers.

We figured this out and we temed up against the parents, stuck up for one another against our own parent, etc.

Rough times, the biggest issue was I Look exactly like my father, and my mother would let it be known, so made my step-father hate me even more, wanted nothing to do with me.

I am now 38, my mother passed away last year. My step-father still resents me, we do not like each other, no change.

But I was never "mean" we just did not talk, people asked my position, I said and I stand by this...

He was good for my mother and what she needed at the time, But he was not good for me, but I am fine with him as long as he takes care of my mother and treats her right.

I'll put it this way, I paid my own way through college by joining the Army and working 2 jobs while in school, plus loans...My step-family....all paid for by my step father.

My step father sold our house soon as I was 18 and was kicked out, all my sisters and brotherrs were mad (including step) they knew I got shafted and did not understand why. I was a good kid, a/b student, never in trouble, always worked, no drugs, ton's of friends, but there was something that he did not like about me and I guess it was jealousy that I was exactly like my father, hard to compete against a ghost I suppose, or a memory.

But my advice is this, Either she learns to love and accept your children, or you should move on with out her. Because it will never EVER change unless SHE makes the effort, any kid at any age will accept LOVE, but SHE needs to get over whatever is holding her back.

Counseling is needed. If she can't open her heart to your children....Then I recommend moving on without her.

I have three Children, Whom I LOVE dearly, probably more so then most, because I fill a void that has been empty all my life, I do not wish that on any child.

As their father you must do what is best for THEM.

that is the bottom line.

[Gtarist62]

GA

I feel for you, man. The sad fact is, people are generally insecure, some more than others, and your stepdad and my wife seem like they were made for each other.
We tried counseling. The counselor threw his hands in the air and told her she needs to grow up and deal with the fact that I have kids.
My wife and I had a fight last month, and she moved in with her mom and took my little girl with her. She cleaned out my bank account and will not let me take my daughter for the day. So 2 weeks ago, I filed for divorce and full custody.