The Family ForumFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
Ten years ago I had a baby girl with a woman I'd been dating for only two months (when she became pregnant). We couldn't get along, and frankly, I wasn't in love with her, so we never got married. A few year later, we had a booty call and she got pregnant again with my son (!). I tried to do the right thing and stay with her, but there was just no happiness there, and we were always bickering, so we split up. But I still picked my kids up every day from school and kept them all afternoon while she worked.
Just over three years ago, I met "Dolly." I really fell for her, but we occasionally bickered about how much time I was spending with my kids. I decided that it was in everyone's best interest for me to cut back a little on the amount of time I was spending with them, so I went to 3 afternoons a week.
Then, Dolly got pregnant. I decided to propose to her because even though we were fighting sometimes, I still loved her and thought it would be great to have a baby with someone I loved for a change. Over the past two years, her intolerance of my other kids has blossomed into pure contempt. Here's an example: My daughter calls to ask if I can take them for ice cream. My wife says "if you do it, they'll be calling you every day asking for it." One evening, my daughter asked me if I could bring her and my son some McDonalds because their mom was working and there was nothing to eat in the house. My wife (who was at work at the time) said "what are you -- a delivery man now?"
I've gone from seeing my kids 3 - 5 days a week to seeing them one day a week for about 3 -4 hours, and EVERY time they ask to see more of me, the answer from my wife is always "no."
Now, I know what you're thinking: Why does he ask her for permission? Why doesn't he just pick them up?
The problem is, I've been trying to walk a fine line between keeping them happy and avoiding a big fight with my wife. And trust me -- EVERY time I do anything extra with my kids, Dolly and I have a fight, with her saying things to me like:
"You want two families."
"You're always putting your kids and that ***** above me and your daughter."
It's been so bad, that my mother won't ask me about my other kids in front of my wife for fear that it will start a fight between us. Dolly always refers to my ex as "the ****," or "the *****," because she feels that my ex was trying to trap me into marrying her by getting pregnant twice (I never did).
I'm tired of seeing the look on my kids' faces when I tell them they can't go someplace with us. I'm tired of saying "no" when they ask me for ice cream. I've actually snuck over and picked them up for a few hours when my wife goes to work.
Believe me when I say, IF I DIDN'T HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS WOMAN, I'D HAVE KICKED HER ASS TO THE CURB YEARS AGO.
The problem is, I don't want my little girl to go through a broken marriage like my other two kids did. But I'm at my wits end over this, and have been feeling very depressed lately, I guess because I know it's inevitable that we will split up. Because I'm not going to abandon or neglect my kids for ANYONE. I'd rather be alone and get to see all three of my kids whenever I want than to stay with someone who treats me and my kids this way.
Your children come first no matter what, period. When you where in there life you were a great father. Think like this if your ex meets a man and goes steady and your kids get to know him better and he treats them better then you do (for fear of your wife) also they start to call him dad. The road you are travelling it is possible.
Kids are smart and in the long run it's better that they come from a "broken marriage" then an unhappy/unhealthy one. They pick up on tension, arguments, feelings, and lack of closeness probably more then anyone realizes.
I don't have kids so I'm not an expert, but I remember from my own childhood that I loved to see my parents happy more then I loved to see them together. And, your youngest daughter probably would very much enjoy spending a lot of time with her bother and sister. There is no reason why the 3 of them should not be close.
Don't let anyone mistreat your children, ever. And I would tell my spouse straight up, I'm a package deal. If you love me, then you love my children. If you are not willing to make the effort to love my children, then you aren't making an effor to love me.
For the record -- my wife has never mistreated or been mean to my kids. She just doesn't want them around. She acts like they're a couple of wet stray dogs she doesn't want in the house.
She loves to tell me stories about other couples' dealing with kids and exes. Here's one of her faves:
"Other men who have kids and exes, when they get married and have a new baby, they move on. Their new family becomes the priority."
She acts as though she's got it so rough, dealing with my kids and my ex. It could be SO much worse for her. My ex (who would take me back in a heartbeat) and I get along fine (which drives my wife crazy) and my ex never calls to complain about how little time I spend with my kids. My kids call me 3 or 4 times a week, not every day as some kids do.
She says I'm "obsessed" with my kids. You can't be obsessed with your kids! I could understand if I still picked them up 5 days a week and called them every night at bedtime, etc. That would be a bit much.
I told her last night that I don't want to be with her anymore. She makes me feel like crap most of the time, and I'm tired of hurting my kids' feelings because of her. She said "good luck finding any woman who's tolerant of your situation. You've got three kids, you're 45, and you're not rich. Most women wouldn't want to put up with that."
I told her I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than alienate my kids and family (my wife doesn't get along with them either. It's a long story.)
Your children come first no matter what, period. When you where in there life you were a great father. Think like this if your ex meets a man and goes steady and your kids get to know him better and he treats them better then you do (for fear of your wife) also they start to call him dad. The road you are travelling it is possible.
draconis
Also, for the record, I'm not afraid of my wife. I've just been trying to keep a bad situation from escalating. In the meantime, I've been hoping things would get better with time and she'd change. But it looks like she never will, and I'm too friggin' old to be wasting my life with someone like this.
I could understand if I still picked them up 5 days a week and called them every night at bedtime, etc. That would be a bit much.
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You can never spend to much time with your children, period.
WOW- no offense but your wife sounds like a b****. I'm sorry. but your kids come first NO MATTER WHAT. Look at it this way, if you divorce her, have visitations with ALL THREE kids at the same time and WAM your three kids get along, you're trying to keep that together, you can spend as much time as possible with your kids, no nagging etc. Your daughter will sense the tension and it will be worse if you stay in this.
Oh and BTW, hypothetically, no matter HOW old you are, or how much money you have, if your a good man, kids or not there's someone who would be with you that you could truly love. Your wife is nuts if shes in that much denial...thats a CONTROL issue there!
My advice?? GET OUT while you are still young!!!
__________________ "I'd rather have three minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special" from the movie 'Steel Magnolias'
For the record -- my wife has never mistreated or been mean to my kids. She just doesn't want them around. She acts like they're a couple of wet stray dogs she doesn't want in the house.
That right there sounds contradicting.
First things first....your kids are your priority. Youre wife needs to realize this. It sounds to me like she is jealous of your kids and is trying to control you and prevent you from seeing them! And sounds like she is sucessful! I dont know about you but my kids are my life, i love and cherish them no matter what and i would NEVER NEVER tolerate that behavior from my spouse.
My ex (my two oldest kid's dad) put his new girlfriend and his drug use before the kids for several years. my kids got continually pushed back. they called him less and less. they saw him less and less. the relationship between the ex and the kids was weakening due to his actions of putting others before them. I got married and the kids stuck to my husband. he considers them his own and they treat him like he is their real dad. my ex has accepted this cause he knows it was because of his actions. He has cleaned up since then and has visitation rights. but the kids relationship has been damaged because he pushed them away and saw them less and less, which is pretty much what you are doing. I would hate to see this happen to you since you sound like a caring father who seems to want to do the right thing.
Please reconsider what you are doing, I dont want this to happen to you.
Your wife doesn't hate your kids, she is feeling threatened by them. To her you are putting the first woman and her kids with you, ahead of her and the daughter you had together. It is natural protective instinct. She feels her daughter is not getting the love and attention you are giving to the other 'first' kids. What are you doing to show her otherwise? You could try being a bit more considerate of your wife's feelings about this. You should find that once she is more secure in her place, she will stop being so jealous of the time you spend with the others.
I also think you must cut ties with the first mother, who i am sure is a threat. After all you dumped her when she had your child, then went back to her years later and had another! Whats to stop you doing it again? I am not suggesting you will, but this is how your wife is seeing it.
When you are asked to take the kids for icecream, take all of them together.. and take your wife too.. then its a family outing with your wife as the matriarch figure. Kids are wonderful things, and your wife as a mother won't be able to resist cute little munchkins running about while you and she have a cappuchino or whatever. You appear to be cutting your wife out of your times with your other kids instead of including her... worth a try maybe?
Oh, and as for mother number one.. she's at work and two small kids are home alone with no food? wtf?? Over here it's illegal to leave children under 14 alone at home unsupervised by an adult..
I do feel it for you, yourwife should be comforted in the fact that you love your kids and will stand by them (including the one you had with her). It's just sad, but does it make sense to have the kids in that kind of atmosphere all the time? Your other kids willl start to resent her if that has not started already.
i think your wife should have known what she was getting herself into before she said i do. she already knew you had kids and if she decided to marry you knowing this then she is wrong.you should not ever put your children second or last to anyone or anything.past relationships with children should not be pushed away just because you found a new relationship. i wish you the best of luck
A) My baby daughter gets more attention than should be legal from me. She's my world. In my profession, I work very few hours, so I have a lot of free time, which I spend with her and my wife. My wife is the problem, not me.
B) I have cut ties with my ex, but as you probably realize, there are times when I will have to have an actual conversation with her regarding our kids. It's inescapable.
C) My wife doesn't see my kids as cute little munchkins. She sees them as a pair of wet, stray dogs that need to be kept out of the house. I wish it were otherwise, but she has no desire to be a matriarchal figure to them. When I've suggested taking my kids to get ice cream with us, my wife invariably says "if we take them once, they'll be asking to go with us every time."
D) My ex wasn't away at work. She works out of her house as an online customer service rep. My apologies for not mentioning that. She's actually a capable mother, doing the best she can with limited income.
Thanks for your response. It was good to see someone trying to understand my wife's position in all this. Everyone else thinks she's a *****. =)
Well it sounds like your ex is the greatest woman/mother that ever lived and your wife is a useless jealous evil woman.. So tell me, why aren't you still with perfect ex?
Sorry, I am not intending to be rude, but this is YOUR wife. You chose her, and I presume you love her, or did once.
It's jealousy on her part, pure and simple, she sees your kids and mrs perfect ex as a threat, and this is down to insecurity. You are never going to work through that without professional help and a lot of hard work from you to break down those barriers. So the question is, are you prepared to fight to make it work?
Well it sounds like your ex is the greatest woman/mother that ever lived and your wife is a useless jealous evil woman.. So tell me, why aren't you still with perfect ex?
Sorry, I am not intending to be rude, but this is YOUR wife. You chose her, and I presume you love her, or did once.
It's jealousy on her part, pure and simple, she sees your kids and mrs perfect ex as a threat, and this is down to insecurity. You are never going to work through that without professional help and a lot of hard work from you to break down those barriers. So the question is, are you prepared to fight to make it work?
"Mrs Perfect Ex?" Now you sound like my wife. No, if my ex was perfect (for me), we'd still be together. And I have been working hard to keep things together with my (almost) perfect wife. But the fact is, my ex is acting mature about the situation and my wife isn't. So there. Nyah, nyah, nyah.
Now you are just being silly, you asked for our input, you are getting it... you can't just have the bits you like!
Again, I am saying that to me your wife sounds jealous, and is worried she is taking second place to your previous family. This is a sign of insecurity, and you will have to work hard to convince her that she is the number one in your life, but that you are not the kind to shirk your other responsibilities. What you then have to decide is whether you think she is worth putting so much effort into.
My Wife Hates My Kids
