[demora]

My mom is very ill and lives in a nursing home. She has Lupus and has been on dialysis for about 6 years now. She had a small stroke about a year ago and a few months ago her fistula blew and she almost bled to death. I think this because her vascular surgeon keeps telling her that she scared him and he was afraid she was going to die.

I'm an only child, so I'm the only one available to visit her and take care of her needs. I try to balance the time between my mom and my husband, but he seems to really resent the time I spend with her. He always welcome and I invite him to come all of the time. Both of his parents passed away, and my mom is all we have in the way of parents between the two of us. She wants so much to love him and to look at him like her son.

He comes up with me once every few months to have dinner with her, but doesn't really spend much quality time with her at all...and sometimes, I almost feel he wants me to chose between the two of them....and unfortunately if he tries to force that, he will lose.

My mom was not perfect while I was growing up and she made some mistakes as I got older...but I dealt with my feelings, forgave her and forgave myself. Now we have a very strong relationship and I love her very much. I know she's not going to be there forever, and I don't want to miss a moment wit her.

Is that wrong? Selfish? Unrealistic?

[Amplexor]

Not selfish at all. She is your mother and you love her. Her health is failing and you don’t know if you’ll have another ten minutes or ten years of her in your life. Your husband should be more understanding and supporting. He should be there for you and her. Maybe he has his own fears in facing sickness and death. Maybe it’s just hard for him to deal with it, but he should be supportive and not look at your time with her as a conflict. Just as another challenge we all face in life. One that should be met by both of you. Good luck.

[stav]

I think your husband is just insecure. His parents are both gone, and you are his only anchor in life. The closest person to him. He is scared he will lose you to your mother. In fact you even say yourself that if there was a choice, he would lose. He knows this, and it terrifies him.

You don't say if you love your husband, and it worries me that you would choose your mother so easily over him. You chose to make a life with this man, and while I understand that your Mother needs you, I am sure she knows that your marriage, and the rest of your life after she has gone, is important too. Do you?

Perhaps when you are not with your mum, you could make a concious effort not to talk about her and her problems, and spend more time talking about the two of you, and spending quality time together.

If the time you have together is loving and centered on the two of you (any kids?) Then maybe he won't resent so much, the time you are away from him.

[demora]

I hear what you are saying stav. I do love my husband very much, but there's been so much going on lately between us..

I don't talk about my mom's problems with him very often, unless something serious comes up, or like her upcoming surgery. I let him know about it and what it was for, but I don't go into great detail unless he asks. I do make a very concious effort to not let my mom's problems interfere with our time together, and I when I have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, I don't ask him to come with me. He is always invited when we have dinner or hang out.

I guess that I would chose my mom over him if he gave me an ultimatum because while I do love him very much, I refuse to abandon my mom to appease anyone. She doesn't resent the time I spend with him and she doesn't cop an attitude if I have to skip a night visiting because my husband and I have plans (which does happen). I don't feel it's fair of a spouse to make their mate chose between the relationship with them, or the mate's family. I believe that when you marry, you get the whole package deal...kids, dogs, parents, etc.

[Liza]

More than likely, you are already doing this, but just make sure that the time you spend with him is quality time. I know how you must feel, constantly being stretched between the two you love dearly.

[odchoi]

Hi Demora, please spend time more with your mother and let your husband understand your concern. Whether he understands it or not it is up to him to grow mature at this time. Let me share you my story knowing that you are the only daughter of your mom.

Before in 1998, my Dad died and I was the only one that was not in his deathbed. I live in separate city and no boat nor plain was available at that time. I love my Dad very much and until now I haven't got over it. We only have one mother, one father who had cared for us so much. They know where they stand of course with husbands and your family now. But the thing is if they need you more now you have to fight for it. Who knows your husband will see the value of your caring and loving with your parents he can't see with other women. So it will lessen the risk of him looking at other women because of your qualities. Just care for your mom. You wouldn't want to live regretting the rest of your life because you've chosen somebody's emotions over her desperate needs. She needs you now go and care for her. Be frank and honest with your husband. Needs meet quality time too. Tell him you would do the same if he will be ill like her. Go on and tell him that. He may very well go and take care of your mother too. Never ever lessen your caring and love for your mother especially now.