Hello all, feel free to give all opinions, good or... not good. Of course this is my side, so this is my story and I'm going to be as honest as possible. Basically, looking for perspective....
I am 44 and I have a 16 year old daughter and 18 year old son. Had been in a committed relationship for 10 years with a 48 year old man who has two daughters, 18 and 21.
My kid’s dad lives in another city and has very little contact with them. He is an alcoholic/drug user so we both agreed the less he called, the better.
We lived together for almost eight years. When we first moved in, it was good. Everyone got along, life was great.
Slowly, things started happening that affected us. Little things like when he would take the girls back to their moms house after the weekends or after extended stays, sometimes nobody would tell me they are leaving when I was in the kitchen doing up supper dishes. That hurt. I would have to say even early on, sometimes I never felt in "the loop" as to what was going on in their lives, and would hear of something through my H telling another person. That would upset me because I would feel embarrassed when the other person realized I didn’t know about "this". And of course, trying to get the house organized again after those weekends (throw in friends for some or all of them as well). In the big picture, that is all little stuff, but sometimes I felt unappreciated.
Eventually, his younger daughter came to live with us when she was about 14 1/2. She didn’t have a good relationship with her mother and wanted out of that situation. He was more than happy to have her come to us, he detests his ex-wife. I think I had a couple days notice that this was happening so I was hurt that I wasn’t consulted with it until after the decision was made. He told me she is messed up and asked me to give her extra attention. I asked him to encourage her to come to me if she needs something and to let me know of her plans. That all sounds like it should work....but it didn’t.
Maybe a month and a half after she came, my Dad passed away and I carried a heavy heart with my grief. Nothing to give.
There was dis-respect towards me when I would ask her to do or not do something. Yes, sometimes it came out harsher from me as I let it build up too long. When she first came, she made her own lunch so I let that continue while I made my kids lunch like I normally had done. Looking back, sure I should have made her lunch as well. Things went from bad to worse for her and I. She started skipping school pretty much daily. My H was not happy that I wasn’t making her lunch and would let me know loud and clear that I should be. I felt that if she isn’t going to stay in school for the day, it's just making it even easier to skip out, although I never told him that at the time.
Laundry was another issue. H felt that since I did all of ours, I should be doing hers as well. Yes, he does have a point on that, but that wasn’t the way it worked out. She was already doing her own laundry her own on the weekends when she came here, which I thought was a good thing. I wasn’t allowed in her room and as a typical teenager, it was a disaster so if I was to do it, I would have had no idea what was clean and what was dirty. For the most part, I "did" her laundry by moving it from one machine to another once she started it. The issue was....if she left it in the laundry room, I would ask her to please take it to her room. After a few days, I would put it on her bed if it was still there. She didn’t like that and let me know loud and clear I am to stay out of her room.
I could go on and on about things that happened and what we both did wrong that eventually we had no relationship. My H telling me it's changing the way he feels and I need to fix this. In the meantime, I was thinking the same thing. I replied with I don't know what to do. He said you are the adult, figure it out. I suggested some things that I thought would help, they didn’t happen. At one point, we were in the car and had words....in some ways I felt it was a lecture. He told me don't make him choose. I told him I don’t trust her, (there was some theft, leaving in the middle of the night and no idea where she is, etc.). I also told him I feel she would be much happier if I wasn’t here, which he disagreed on. I had my defenses up and so did he, so communication was poor.
When I would make a point to ask nicely for her to do/not do something, the defenses were up for her so words back to me weren’t nice and I would walk away in tears or completely frustrated. Our communication was also poor.
This built up over the course of a couple years. My sister in law is the only person who could come close to understanding what was happening here and yet their relationship worked differently. I had an on-line friend that told me to hang in there because she will mature and it will get better. I started to think I need to talk to a councilor because I didnt know what the freak was going on and why I am feeling this way...
He and I had a good relationship outside of the issues. We totally enjoyed each other's company and were completely compatible.
Last summer, everything came to a head. I found some stuff by accident on his blackberry to another woman that looked like the start of an emotional affair and talking that he and I were over. I felt the same way I did when I had lost my dad. Shock. I sat on that for a day and the next day I asked what was going on? Well....I found out a lot. He felt I had been abusing her and treating her like sh*t. This is hurting him. I had a big wake up call to the dynamics her and I fell into. I told him I WILL get this straightened out, I had NO idea he was feeling the same hurt I was.
I went to her and told her we need to change this for her Dad because we are hurting him. We both agreed to lay the weapons down and find peace. I told her I don’t know what it’s going to look like, we may step backwards a few times, but let’s keep our eye on the goal. About a month and a half after this came to the open, he said he is out, too deeply hurt. He continued to live with us for another 6 months but never wavered in his decision even with seeing where her and I were at. He moved in with a friend. We were all devastated. She continued to live with me for the next 9 months and have come to a very loving relationship. Reluctently moved out on Saturday because of a financial situation. That was right up there with the hardest days of my life. She called me that night, sobbing and we ended up comforting each other.
In the last year and a half, her and I have exceeded beyond anything I thought was possible. All it took was one honest, real conversation rather than just “trying”.
I have turned over every single rock i could find to show him we could do what her and i have done. He says I hurt him too deeply and he could never respect or trust me again, without that, it's over....all because I never knew he was feeling hurt.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to not leave anything out. What does anyone think?
Blended family broken.....
