Im tired of my husband's lack of backbone - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 01-20-2010, 12:22 AM Thread Starter
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Im tired of my husband's lack of backbone

I've been married for only 1 month but have been with my husband 4 1/2 years. When it comes to my husband and his family he has no opinion, no backbone, he goes out of his way to please and impress them. At first this didnt bother me much. I kinda lost respect for him because it seemed very weak that he couldnt think for himself around his family but it didn't directly affect me.
Then i got pregnant. So around my 4th month of pregnancy me, him, his mom, and older sister decided to take a road trip to new york from michigan. the entire car ride she smoked and didn't bother to crack the window a bit (it was september). my then fiancee didnt say a word the entire time. i am a quiet laid back person until im pushed into a corner. then there can be a problem because i am extremely straightforward and not tactful in the least bit. However it comes across (nice, *****y, etc) is exactly what is it, i don't apologize or try to sugarcoat a thing. the entire car ride i was very upset that his sister was so inconsiderate and that he couldn't speak up for me and his unborn child. when we arrived in new york i confronted him about her smoking and he said "it was no big deal, it wouldn't kill me". on top of that, when we arrived in new york everyone had a change of clothes and i forgot my pants at home. so all i had to wear was pajamas. but we were in new york, of course i could go shopping for pants, right? no, i was forced to walk around the streets of manhattan in teal plaid pajama pants for 4 hours because his sister wasn't ready to stop in any clothing stores.
this past weekend i had my baby shower. i planned my entire shower for 40 people alone, with a little help from a few friends. it took months. everyone that i invited showed up on time or early, helped with the set up and decorations. everyone that he invited showed up 2 hours late. my guests waited patiently 2 hours for his guests before we got started. i planned on serving 2 bottles of champagne at my shower. when his guest arrived (his mother and sisters), they immediately opened the champagne and drank 1 1/2 of the 2 bottles of champagne. I also had 1 bottle of wine to serve and they drank half of that and his sister ended up taking the other half home. they were very loud and we had to wait 20 minutes before we started the baby shower games while we waited for them to calm down. one of his sisters had her boyfriend's baby there and left a dirty diaper and dirty qtips in the middle of the floor. although his family helped themselves to the majority of the liquor, I had to serve each one cake, walking back and forth across the room many times. many of these things weren't bought to my attention until the next day. my friends/family didn't feel it was appropriate to comment on their behavior at the time. the next day i attempted to approach the situation with caution and speak to him about what happened because i could see that being a problem with future family functions. he immediately got offended and started screaming at me and throwing things around the room. i got really frustrated and told him his family was rude and ghetto and disrespected me and my shower. it's been 2 days and we haven't spoken and i don't know what to do. i know he immediately told his family and friends everything that was said between us and called me uppity and ignorant. i dont know how to deal with him or his family. what should i do?

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 01-22-2010, 04:52 PM
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Re: Im tired of my husband's lack of backbone

He wants to please you but he is terrified of his mother/family withholding their love and approval of him. That's likely how he was raised - do what we say or we won't love you. So...standing up to them seems completely incomprehensible.

Do some research on how to help him learn that he doesn't have to appease them to be complete. Continue to support him and be understanding, and he will realize he can side with you.

You also need to discuss what rules you'll have regarding the baby.
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