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confusedntx 08-13-2013 06:16 PM

bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
I have never posted on a site like this before so I apologize if I don't follow typical etiquette and or length. I'm going to start with the backstory and the advice I am seeking at the end.


I have the most amazing boyfriend ever. He loves me, cares for me and is everything I have ever wanted or needed. He is a great dad, friend, smart, funny, loyal and faithful. We have an amazing connection and a very deep passionate love for each other. He has 1 biological daughter and an adult step daughter from a previous marriage. I have 3 kiddos from my previous relationship.

Our relation progressed quickly and things were amazing, i would even say perfect. I loved his family, whom are around daily, and they liked me too. He kept telling me his exwife wanted to meet me and I was nervous about meeting her. Literally from the first time I met her things went downhill fast. It started with her telling him I was rude to her (completely untrue by the way) and wouldn't speak to her, she called me awful things and then she started calling him constantly for no valid reasons. From there it escalated to driving by our house and calling me names, giving me the finger. I became very stressed at the relentlessness of her taunting. Instead of sinking to her level I just refused to be around her. Shortly there after I began receiving harrassing phone calls, having nasty names scartched in to the dirt on my car and even came home (when my bf was out of town on buisness) to photos of him and his ex together placed through out our house.

My bf refused to believe that any of this was even happening and was very upset when I told him I believed it was them. Granted I could have handle the situation differently such as killing her with kindness but I didn't. I chose to cry and fight with him and avoid them completely. My arguing with him everyday about this and anything/everything else (I think this was my way of trying to regain control) eventually made his family hate me and drove us apart. She got what she wanted, we broke up and I moved out.

For months he and I went back and forth trying to fix our relationship. We both know that we are good and that we want to spend our lives together. We are now back together and trying to figure out how to handle this stuff, mend fences so we can all live a peaceful coexistence and he and I can move on in our relationship.

The problem we are having now is not between him and I. It is because he wants me to show him I don't have hate for them. The truth is I don't hate them and I do forgive what has happened but I have not forgotten. he says he doesnt believe that i want good things for them. I know having a healthy, friendly relationship with them is important to him. I feel that I cant show him I will do the kill her with kindness approach because he wont yet include me in family stuff.

How can I show him that he is what is important and I will never let them get to me like I did before?

How can I help him see that I don't have hatred or anger towards them?

Any ideas on how I can show, without any interaction with them, that I do want the best for his ex and her daughter?

I should also say I acted like a jealous, insecure jerk during this time but never ever, not even once, did I say anything to them. When they would come around I would say hi and disappear. In my opinion I was nothing but nice but in his opinion I was rude because I just avoided them. They have since admitted to a few of these things which is how my bf and I ended getting back together and he apologizes regularly for not protecting and defending me. We desperatly want to figure this out but we need help to move forward. I need help in making him comfortable that I'm not jealous and insecure anymore.

Thank you for your time. I really look forward to any response I may get.

justonelife 08-13-2013 06:30 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
Say to your bf: "I know I messed up in the past but I would really like the opportunity to show you that I can be kind to your family. When can we invite them over?"

To be honest though, why do you think this time will be any different? If they continue to harass you, you will need a better plan to deal with that.

SlowlyGettingWiser 08-13-2013 06:31 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
How long were you two together BEFORE all the drama with his ex?

How long have you been together NOW?


Edited to add:

Why did BF believe his EX instead of you?

Why does BF believe you all have to be ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY with his ex and her kin? I mean his step-daughter is GROWN. Isn't being 'civil' to each other enough? Why the insistence that everybody from his past and present life be BEST BUDDIES?

confusedntx 08-13-2013 06:45 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
Thank you for replying. I do ask to invite them to do stuff and he always responds with I need to know no matter what they do you will want the best for them before we can do that. I do want the best for them. I think once they are happy and secure in their new lives I wont be so threatening to them anymore.

How I know it will be different this time is not based on them. We can't control other peoples behaviors, only our own. He has now seen the way they treated me and has actively put effort into protecting me and letting them know these behaviors have to stop. I have tried really hard to see past the b.s. and find positives about them but I havent verbalized those positive thoughts. Sometimes it difficult to find positives in people who have made you feel so negative.

Maybe I should start finding something nice to say about them every day (even when it is hard) to show him I am over it and willing to make friends?

confusedntx 08-13-2013 06:54 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
We were living together for about 9 months before I left, broke up for almost 2 and now have been together for a year and a half.

He says he believed her because he had never seen her exibit this behavior before. I am the only girl he has gotten close to since she divorced him.

He wants things to be secure for his young daughter. He wants her to feel like everyone is kosher with each other. He says being civil wont show her that.

justonelife 08-13-2013 07:01 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
So you have been together for 18 months and he won't let his young daughter be around you? How does he feel that things will be "insecure" at your house? It's not like you need to have a ton of interaction with the ex-wife. If you can be civil during the drop-off/pick-up, what's the big deal? I feel like we are missing part of the puzzle here.

justonelife 08-13-2013 07:02 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
Also, how/when does he see his daughter if he won't allow you to have any interaction with her?

confusedntx 08-13-2013 07:19 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
I moved out. He has daughter most of the time. I have been around his daughter most of our relationship. It has just been the last few months we decided to take the kids out of the equation and try to just focus on the ex part without her added stressing about me being his daughters new mommy. For a while we had her significantly more than her mother did.

His ex wife just shows up whenever she wants. I am going to interact with her regularly. He travels for work often and when he is gone she always found some ridiculous reason to show up.


I should add I do not want nor have I tried to replace her mom. I do love her but I know my role in that aspect

confusedntx 08-13-2013 07:20 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
I moved out. He has daughter most of the time. I have been around his daughter most of our relationship. It has just been the last few months we decided to take the kids out of the equation and try to just focus on the ex part without her added stressing about me being his daughters new mommy. For a while we had her significantly more than her mother did.

His ex wife just shows up whenever she wants. I am going to interact with her regularly. He travels for work often and when he is gone she always found some ridiculous reason to show up.

confusedntx 08-13-2013 07:27 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
The insecure part comes from his daughter over hearing us argue about her mom and from her mom telling her I broke up their marriage and daddy would take her back if I was gone. Absolutly was not true. She cheated on him and divorced him years before I came along. His daughter loves me andwe have fun together doing girl stuff but she feels guilty because she knows her mom gets upset about it.

SlowlyGettingWiser 08-13-2013 09:32 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
1.) How old is your BF's bio daughter?

2.) Does BF's ex still have a key to his place? (Pix of BF & ex all over HIS house had to be from ex-wife).

3.) I think your BF is being extremely unrealistic to expect 'bonding' behavior from his ex-wife (who cheated and is jealous of his new relationship and who blatantly LIES to her own child about you being a homewrecker) and his GF (who acted hysterically and jealously over insults from ex-wife).

Your BF's daughter will SURVIVE JUST FINE when she figures out that everybody in the world is not going to hold hands and sing KumbaYah! She'll get over it like everyone else on earth does. I think there's plenty of lesson to be learned in treating each other respectfully even if you don't personally like each other.

It is unrealistic to expect that you and ex-wife are going to be friends (or maybe even friendly), but you can be respectful and adult to each other. Your BF expecting anything else is UNFAIR and unrealistic. He should get over it; his daughter will NOT break if she finds out mom & the gf of Dad aren't best friends.

EleGirl 08-13-2013 10:20 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
Who is the "them" that he wants you to have a good relationship with? His ex only? Or is this his family too?

Your bf is unreasonable to expect you to have good feelings about his ex. Under the circumstances the best that can be expected is that you treat her corgially when you see her.

However, you have the right refuse to allow her in your home and on your property. She's not a friend of yours. She's down right scary to be honest.

Your bf does not really trust or respect you. If he did he would have believed you and protected you from this crazy woman to start with.

If she has a key to your house, it's time to change the locks.

If you go back with him, you need a VAR (voice activated recorder) that you have on you any time she is around. That way you can prove what she's saying to you. If she pulls anymore things like messes with your car, etc. Put cameras on the out side and inside of your home. Get proof of what she doing.

But the bottom line is that your boyfriend is treating is as if you and she are just two jealous women acting out... and shame on you.

Why are you even considering going back with a man who mistreats you? Yes, not believing you and making it now sounds like you are wrong and you need to make friends with a woman to stalked you with mal intent is mistreatment of you.

EleGirl 08-13-2013 10:23 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by confusedntx (Post 3647129)
The insecure part comes from his daughter over hearing us argue about her mom and from her mom telling her I broke up their marriage and daddy would take her back if I was gone. Absolutly was not true. She cheated on him and divorced him years before I came along. His daughter loves me andwe have fun together doing girl stuff but she feels guilty because she knows her mom gets upset about it.

All that has to happen is for you and your husband to talk to his daughter.

He can remind her that he met you after the divorce so you did not break up anything. That her mother divorced him.

Also your bf can tell her that there is no way that he will ever get back with her mother. So her mother is just making things up.

That's it.. now the girl knows the truth. She knew it before this anyway.

justonelife 08-14-2013 10:02 AM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by confusedntx (Post 3646977)
I moved out. He has daughter most of the time. I have been around his daughter most of our relationship. It has just been the last few months we decided to take the kids out of the equation and try to just focus on the ex part without her added stressing about me being his daughters new mommy. For a while we had her significantly more than her mother did.

His ex wife just shows up whenever she wants. I am going to interact with her regularly. He travels for work often and when he is gone she always found some ridiculous reason to show up.

This still makes no sense. You shouldn't have much interaction with the ex and if your bf doesn't see that, he's an idiot. There should be no more than a polite hello and goodbye at kid exchanges.

If she shows up when he's not at home, simply don't answer the door or ask her to leave. This shouldn't be a problem but you are allowing it to become one.

marko 08-21-2013 11:23 PM

Re: bf ex-wife and her family are ruining our relationship
 
you need to set boundaries, not only for the ex but also for the bf. tell him the way it needs to be to make things work between everybody, change the locks. He will need to tell her she is no longer allowed in the house(as well as the property) without reason and without permission, period! it is not her house, her children live there, not her. she has given you reason to doubt her intentions, do not trust her, she will not be a changed woman over this. when he does this he really needs to ensure he is not treating you like the "bad guy" in this decision. you are not over -reacting. again she has given you reasons to do this.

inform her that she is not allowed to "pop over" to visit you or the children and stay to visit. if there is a child's birthday party or Christmas or special occasion and she is invited that is fine. other wise most of the interactions at the house should be a trade off and a cordial greeting and a send off.

unless they are still friends he should not really have that much contact with her, hand over the kids and go, maybe discuss school issues or discipline issues etc. she is the one that divorced him, stating obviously she did not want him in her life.

get some cameras installed, the recorders are getting cheap enough now almost anybody could afford them, cameras are not that expensive, protect your home regardless of her psycho behavior. If something gets damaged or somebody has broken into the house call the police and have them start an investigation. it is not fair for her to expect you to not take an attack on your privacy or property seriously.

let him know that you will treat his ex with respect but he should not expect you to be her new friend, it will never happen and he should not expect it. again there is no justification for her to "pop over" for a visit while he or the children are away. it is not her house. you are allowed to not like somebody, as is he. you are not her family by proxy.

I like the voice recorder, but it could be illegal in your state, unless you tell her and put it on the table. again , she should never be around just to visit with you anyways. there are ways to be firm and polite and ask her to leave the house. probably warm up your google-fu and check things out.

the ex talking about you behind your back is pretty low class alright, remind his daughter to make her own mind up and trust her heart. she will know what is right and what is bs.

good luck , it cannot be fun


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