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post #16 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:06 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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I know that I'm settling.
Never ever....ever settle.

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post #17 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:07 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

Perhaps a compromise is in order. What if you join yourselves together more officially short of marriage? How about wills, medical power of attorney, at least some joint accounts, and a non-marital cohabitation agreement? These things require serious commitment but don't require the big scary M word.
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post #18 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:07 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Never ever....ever settle.
Everybody settles. It's called compromise.
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post #19 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:14 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

To settle: resolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem).

Compromise: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

Some things can't be compromised like if one wants kids and the other doesn't, one wants marriage and the other doesn't. This to me is a black/white issue where there is no compromise. One would have to give up the dream aka settle.

Which okay that's fine if she's okay with it. I just said it wouldn't be okay with me that's all.
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post #20 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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So what exactly is the man's point of view on this that they want you to understand?
Maybe it's just denial on my part. I ask for the guy's point of view because I want to figure out whether how men think in this situation. Women can think one way, but sometimes I find that men can act and perceive things in different ways.
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post #21 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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The two of you are living together, right?

Whose house do you live in?

Who pays the bills? What percentage do each of you pay?

What % of total income does each of you bring in?

How many children do each of you have and how old are they?

How much time do the children spend at your house?
No, we don't live together.

I am thinking of living together as an alternative to marriage, but I haven't brought it up with him. Now, I am questioning whether living together is a good thing. I don't want to feel not good enough to marry. But, then again, given the strength of my finances, I would actually have more to lose than he does if we got married and then divorced. It just shows that he's not a gold digger because if he were, he would really want to marry me.
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post #22 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Perhaps a compromise is in order. What if you join yourselves together more officially short of marriage? How about wills, medical power of attorney, at least some joint accounts, and a non-marital cohabitation agreement? These things require serious commitment but don't require the big scary M word.
Yes, as a lawyer, I've thought about all this and actually I'm an estate planning lawyer so I know about all this stuff.

Practically, it would actually be better for me financially and more protective of me to NOT get married and just live together. I get him, and I get to keep my assets separate. I get to leave if it doesn't work out and I don't have to go through a financially draining and emotionally draining process to extricate myself from a relationship that is not working.

I just can't get over the idea that he doesn't love me enough, and I hold marriage as an ideal that I want.
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post #23 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:27 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

There are men here that have sworn on a stack of bibles they are NEVER getting married again.

And then they meet HER.
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post #24 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:31 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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I just can't get over the idea that he doesn't love me enough, and I hold marriage as an ideal that I want.
Then you know what you need to do. Talk to him about it, and let him know this is a requirement to stay together. He either loves you enough to give you what you want, or he is too gun-shy about marriage (or does not love you enough) to do so even if it costs him the relationship.

A week should be plenty of time for him to make up his mind, IMO. Delaying things further won't do either of you any good, if you are clear on what you need.
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post #25 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:33 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Maybe it's just denial on my part. I ask for the guy's point of view because I want to figure out whether how men think in this situation. Women can think one way, but sometimes I find that men can act and perceive things in different ways.
I am asking you specifically what the point of view is that these men are asking you to understand. If we don't know what they are telling you then how can we help you here?

There is no one male point of view for marriage. So what it their point of view and how does it relate to your boyfriend's point of view?

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post #26 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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There are men here that have sworn on a stack of bibles they are NEVER getting married again.

And then they meet HER.
I don't know why I'm unlucky enough to NOT be HER, lol.

He actually broke up with me about 9 months into our relationship. He said that I am everything he wants in a woman, but he is a romantic and thinks that he doesn't love me enough to move forward with our relationship. He said that with our compatible personalities we can date for years but it would be a waste of time in the end.

I was heartbroken but started dating again right away. About a month into our break-up, he begged for me back. He said that during our month apart, all he could think about was me. He tried dating other women, but on dates, he could only think about me, and that other women do not compare to me. He said that he figured out that I am the woman that he wants to be with and he does love me.

I had already started dating other men at the time, and broke it off with the other men just to get back together with him. I've stuck by him through his financial difficulties, and now he's back on his feet financially.

I just don't think I have the strength to break up with him. I hate that I'm settling.
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post #27 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:39 PM
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Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

Ouch so you took him back?
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post #28 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Then you know what you need to do. Talk to him about it, and let him know this is a requirement to stay together. He either loves you enough to give you what you want, or he is too gun-shy about marriage (or does not love you enough) to do so even if it costs him the relationship.

A week should be plenty of time for him to make up his mind, IMO. Delaying things further won't do either of you any good, if you are clear on what you need.
THis is probably what I should do. I'm not able to face the pain of losing him, however. I feel stuck. I put myself in this position because I am unable to let him go.
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post #29 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:40 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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No, we don't live together.

I am thinking of living together as an alternative to marriage, but I haven't brought it up with him. Now, I am questioning whether living together is a good thing. I don't want to feel not good enough to marry. But, then again, given the strength of my finances, I would actually have more to lose than he does if we got married and then divorced. It just shows that he's not a gold digger because if he were, he would really want to marry me.
I disagree that if he were a gold digger that he would marry you.

If he's a gold digger he could set himself up so that you, as the major earner with the most assets pay most of the bills and provide your assets, like your home, as asset available to him.

Then he saves his money.

In many states, even without marriage, there is palimony, etc. He could sue you for support and for a portion of your assets. Do you live in a state that allows for this?

He says that he wants to be with you for a long time. He's not committing to being with you forever. A long time can me a year, two years, until he meets the woman of his dreams, or forever. You have no idea.

If you stay with him, keep in mind that he has made no commitment to you. My experience with men who do this is that they are still on the lookout for the next, better woman (whatever he considers better).
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post #30 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Ouch so you took him back?
Yes, that was about two years ago. We've been so happy since then. We hardly ever disagree and even when we do we talk things out and don't get into loud arguments. We have a lot of fun together and enjoy each other's company. His parents love me and encourage him to marry me. His brother talks about me as though I am family. His friends really like me. My kids like him.
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