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post #31 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:44 PM
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I don't know why I'm unlucky enough to NOT be HER, lol.

He actually broke up with me about 9 months into our relationship. He said that I am everything he wants in a woman, but he is a romantic and thinks that he doesn't love me enough to move forward with our relationship. He said that with our compatible personalities we can date for years but it would be a waste of time in the end.

I was heartbroken but started dating again right away. About a month into our break-up, he begged for me back. He said that during our month apart, all he could think about was me. He tried dating other women, but on dates, he could only think about me, and that other women do not compare to me. He said that he figured out that I am the woman that he wants to be with and he does love me.

I had already started dating other men at the time, and broke it off with the other men just to get back together with him. I've stuck by him through his financial difficulties, and now he's back on his feet financially.

I just don't think I have the strength to break up with him. I hate that I'm settling.


He's told you everything you need to know. He likes you well enough to keep the benefits of this relationship but is not romantically in love with you. How's this for your strength: he's going to enjoy what he's got until he meets someone that he is crazy about, and when that happens he'll either continue to enjoy what you offer and cheat or he'll dump you and marry her. Honestly you don't have a lot of value in his eyes because he knows you're settling for what you don't want, so he knows you'll stick around as long as he wants you. How much of your life will you waste on this?
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post #32 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:45 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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I don't know why I'm unlucky enough to NOT be HER, lol.

He actually broke up with me about 9 months into our relationship. He said that I am everything he wants in a woman, but he is a romantic and thinks that he doesn't love me enough to move forward with our relationship. He said that with our compatible personalities we can date for years but it would be a waste of time in the end.

I was heartbroken but started dating again right away. About a month into our break-up, he begged for me back. He said that during our month apart, all he could think about was me. He tried dating other women, but on dates, he could only think about me, and that other women do not compare to me. He said that he figured out that I am the woman that he wants to be with and he does love me.

I had already started dating other men at the time, and broke it off with the other men just to get back together with him. I've stuck by him through his financial difficulties, and now he's back on his feet financially.

I just don't think I have the strength to break up with him. I hate that I'm settling.
Ok so he told you why he will not marry you. He is not crazy in love with you. You are not THE ONE.

But you came back and begged, so he knows that you will put up with all kinds of disrespect to keep him. You will do until he meets THE ONE.

Has he asked you to live with him? What living arrangements were discussed if so?

Do you have a daughter? Is this what you want to teach your daughter? You will be teaching her that she should settle for whatever some guy offers her, even if it's very little. She will learn that women have no power in a relationship.. only the man does.

If you have a son, think of what you are teaching him.. lesson #1 is that it's quite ok to treat YOU with disrespect.

ETA: By the way, he was trying to do the honorable thing when he broke up with you. He told you where he stood. But you went back and begged him to use you. So much for him trying to be honorable.

This is how a person sets themselves up for heartbreak.

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Last edited by EleGirl; 08-26-2013 at 05:51 PM.
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post #33 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:47 PM
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Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

Agree he likes you but he's not in love with you. He wishes he was because you are great but it doesn't work that way.

He's settling too.
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post #34 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:47 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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He's told you everything you need to know. He likes you well enough to keep the benefits of this relationship but is not romantically in love with you. How's this for your strength: he's going to enjoy what he's got until he meets someone that he is crazy about, and when that happens he'll either continue to enjoy what you offer and cheat or he'll dump you and marry her. Honestly you don't have a lot of value in his eyes because he knows you're settling for what you don't want, so he knows you'll stick around as long as he wants you. How much of your life will you waste on this?
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love238, you are an attorney? What kind of attorney?

Would you draw up a contract for a client that put them in the position of no-win? Think about that.

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post #35 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Ok so he told you why he will not marry you. He is not crazy in love with you. You are not THE ONE.

But you came back and begged, so he knows that you will put up with all kinds of disrespect to keep him. You will do until he meets THE ONE.

Has he asked you to live with him? What living arrangements were discussed if so?

Do you have a daughter? Is this what you want to teach your daughter? You will be teaching her that she should settle for whatever some guy offers her, even if it's very little. She will learn that women have no power in a relationship.. only the man does.

If you have a son, think of what you are teaching him.. lesson #1 is that it's quite ok to treat YOU with disrespect.

ETA: By the way, he was trying to do the honorable thing when he broke up with you. He told you where he stood. But you went back and begged him to use you. So much for him trying to be honorable.

This is how a person sets themselves up for heartbreak.
I know that you trying to help me, but you are misreading my posts.

HE was the one who begged for me back after he broke up with me. HE and NOT me.
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post #36 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:57 PM
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Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

I knew he begged to get you back but I believe he told you the truth before. He came back out of fear of not finding anyone better.
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post #37 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 05:59 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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I know that you trying to help me, but you are misreading my posts.

HE was the one who begged for me back after he broke up with me. HE and NOT me.
You are right, I misread your post. I stand corrected.

How much time do the two of you spend a week together? I'm trying to get an idea so his commitment.

Did he ask you to live with him?

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post #38 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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You are right, I misread your post. I stand corrected.

How much time do the two of you spend a week together? I'm trying to get an idea so his commitment.

Did he ask you to live with him?
Because we both have kids, and it suits my schedule as well, we see each other between 2 to 4 days a week.

No, he has not asked me to live with him. His house is a fixer upper. Mine is a spacious and new house. I don't think he would think that I would want to live in his house as it is.
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post #39 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:06 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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I knew he begged to get you back but I believe he told you the truth before. He came back out of fear of not finding anyone better.
My son's father did something very similar to me.

He broke it off so I went my own way. He did this in the 2nd year we dated and then at the 4.5 year mark.

Both times he came back on begged me to get back with him. I gave in.

The second time he did not just ask me to get back with him. He asked me to marry him.

Well I married him. It was a HUGE mistake. After a year of what I thought was a good marriage, he started treating me as I would expect a man to treat a woman who he felt was not THE ONE. It turned into a very bad marriage. He cheated like crazy. I did not realize that he was cheating for a few years... but I did eventually find it out.

Why did he marry me? I think it's because I was the only woman he dated that out earned him. So I was the wife material.. the one who could help him live the lifestyle he wanted to become accustomed to. It turns out that he was a gold digger.

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post #40 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:07 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Because we both have kids, and it suits my schedule as well, we see each other between 2 to 4 days a week.

No, he has not asked me to live with him. His house is a fixer upper. Mine is a spacious and new house. I don't think he would think that I would want to live in his house as it is.
Has he brought up the idea of the two of you living under the same roof, regardless of who owns that roof?


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post #41 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:13 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

I myself have very conflicting thoughts/feelings about remarriage. My biggest issue in not getting married is the same fear as yours.... That thought that maybe it meant he didn't love me enough which may or may not be true especially when you are talking about a second marriage. I think though that when someone truly loves you... You know it, you feel it....it's unmistakable. Does he make you feel that way?

You do seem to be way ahead of him in this relationship. You are thinking about marriage or living together and he hasn't even brought up that idea. I also think his reason for breaking up with you contributes to your doubts about his love....it would make any woman question his reason for being with her.
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post #42 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:13 PM
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Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

Ele I dated a guy that dumped me after 6 months. He came back begging and I told him to take a hike. Lol

He continued to pursue me but no dice.

I didn't want him after his "you aren't the one" speech.
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post #43 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Has he brought up the idea of the two of you living under the same roof, regardless of who owns that roof?
No. Even when he was in dire financial straits, he always paid for at least his share. He cooked dinners for me all the time, and we were able to enjoy each other's company for 2 and 1/2 years without the big ticket items such as fancy dinners, presents, etc.

I don't think he's cheating on me. All his friends say that he's a one-woman at a time kind of guy.
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post #44 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:15 PM
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Ele I dated a guy that dumped me after 6 months. He came back begging and I told him to take a hike. Lol

He continued to pursue me but no dice.

I didn't want him after his "you aren't the one" speech.
Hard to recover from that.....
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post #45 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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I myself have very conflicting thoughts/feelings about remarriage. My biggest issue in not getting married is the same fear as yours.... That thought that maybe it meant he didn't love me enough which may or may not be true especially when you are talking about a second marriage. I think though that when someone truly loves you... You know it, you feel it....it's unmistakable. Does he make you feel that way?

You do seem to be way ahead of him in this relationship. You are thinking about marriage or living together and he hasn't even brought up that idea. I also think his reason for breaking up with you contributes to your doubts about his love....it would make any woman question his reason for being with her.
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I do think he loves me. He initiates spending time with my parents. He incorporates me into his circle of friends and family. He doesn't spend time with me just to have sex. He sometimes doesn't even want sex. We just spend time together taking walks, cooking dinner together, going to see movies, going to his friends' homes for dinners, going to his parents' home for the weekend, and spending time with our respective kids together.

It would be hard to give that up. I'm having a lot of fun with him.
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