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post #46 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:25 PM
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I do think he loves me. He initiates spending time with my parents. He incorporates me into his circle of friends and family. He doesn't spend time with me just to have sex. He sometimes doesn't even want sex. We just spend time together taking walks, cooking dinner together, going to see movies, going to his friends' homes for dinners, going to his parents' home for the weekend, and spending time with our respective kids together.

It would be hard to give that up. I'm having a lot of fun with him.
You "think" he loves you and you state actions that make you think so but do you feel it? Maybe I'm not expressing myself well but when a man loves you....you can feel it. Does he make you feel loved, special, important?
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post #47 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:26 PM
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Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

How old are you two?
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post #48 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:27 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Ele I dated a guy that dumped me after 6 months. He came back begging and I told him to take a hike. Lol

He continued to pursue me but no dice.

I didn't want him after his "you aren't the one" speech.
You were smarter than me. That's clear.
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post #49 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:30 PM
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Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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You were smarter than me. That's clear.
Nah you give me too much credit he wasn't that great to start with.

Had he not dumped me I would have eventually done it.

We ended up friends until he got married and then I sent him packing.

He was still pursuing me and forgot to tell me he'd gotten married,

Can you say "ass"? Lol
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post #50 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:32 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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No. Even when he was in dire financial straits, he always paid for at least his share. He cooked dinners for me all the time, and we were able to enjoy each other's company for 2 and 1/2 years without the big ticket items such as fancy dinners, presents, etc.

I don't think he's cheating on me. All his friends say that he's a one-woman at a time kind of guy.
So he has not expressed a desire to live together. He does not want to get married.

He's happy with the relationship the way it is. You want more.

He has 3-5 days a week when he does not see you. Does he see you primarily on the days he has his children?
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post #51 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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So he has not expressed a desire to live together. He does not want to get married.

He's happy with the relationship the way it is. You want more.

He has 3-5 days a week when he does not see you. Does he see you primarily on the days he has his children?
No, we are on the same child custody schedule most of the time. Initially, we only saw each other when we each didn't have our children. Then, after 2 years of dating, we allowed our children to get into the mix. Now, we see each other primarily when our kids are not with us, but also when our kids are with us. I'm a busy woman. I have a law firm to run, and kids to raise. He would probably see me more often if I wanted to.

Yes, he is happy with the relationship as it is. He got taken financially during his divorce and doesn't want to be potentially taken again, I would assume.
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post #52 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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How old are you two?
He is 50 and I'm 42.
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post #53 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 06:56 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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No, we are on the same child custody schedule most of the time. Initially, we only saw each other when we each didn't have our children. Then, after 2 years of dating, we allowed our children to get into the mix. Now, we see each other primarily when our kids are not with us, but also when our kids are with us. I'm a busy woman. I have a law firm to run, and kids to raise. He would probably see me more often if I wanted to.

Yes, he is happy with the relationship as it is. He got taken financially during his divorce and doesn't want to be potentially taken again, I would assume.
If you have more assets and more income than he does, how would he be taken financially if you marry? You would be the one who stands to lose the most financially if you marry.
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post #54 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 07:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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If you have more assets and more income than he does, how would he be taken financially if you marry? You would be the one who stands to lose the most financially if you marry.
Well, I didn't say he doesn't have any assets.
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post #55 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 07:09 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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I've rationalized and thought through the marriage thing and realized that if he agrees to move-in together and buy a house together, and basically act like a family with me then my emotional need would be met. Marriage does not guarantee forever, and neither does buying a house together and living together, but at least my emotional need for a family-feeling and stability is met. There is also protection against having to go through divorce if it doesn't work out, and the financial downsides to divorce. It seems like a way to have one's cake and eat it too.
No it doesn't, but I wouldn't buy a house or any other large assets with someone unless my interests were legally protected. The Courts do not protect people who aren't married (but you must know this already if you run a law firm) and, unless there was a Cohabitation Agreement in place, I wouldn't even consider it. So, for me, there would be a legally binding contract one way or the other...


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post #56 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 07:14 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Well, I didn't say he doesn't have any assets.

Nor did I say or imply that he doesn't have any assets.
You said that you have more assets than he.

Both of you have assets that would be considered separate as long as you both handle them in a way that does not co-mingle them with marital income/assets.

If both of your income is about the same it's a draw if you divorce. Split everything 50/50 and go your own way.

There are even pre-nups.

The idea that he does not want to get married because he feels that he was taken to the cleaners in his previous marriage is a red haring due to the fact that you are the higher earner and would bring more assets into the marriage.

I rather doubt that his fear of financial loss is the reason he does not marry you. It makes no sense at all under the circumstance.
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post #57 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 07:29 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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Originally Posted by love238
I've rationalized and thought through the marriage thing and realized that if he agrees to move-in together and buy a house together, and basically act like a family with me then my emotional need would be met. Marriage does not guarantee forever, and neither does buying a house together and living together, but at least my emotional need for a family-feeling and stability is met. There is also protection against having to go through divorce if it doesn't work out, and the financial downsides to divorce. It seems like a way to have one's cake and eat it too.
What marriage does do is to bring into play a legal structure that protects both parties and tells them what the rules are. It also gives men right to his own children without having to go to court to prove paternity and custody rights.

If you do not marry then you have to re-invent the rules yourself and put the necessary legal contracts in place between the two of you to create any kind of stability.

For example you live with him for years and buy a house together. He dies. His children get half of your house. Depending on how it was purchased, deeded, etc.. they might even be able to kick you out and take the house from you.
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post #58 of 60 (permalink) Old 08-26-2013, 08:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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What marriage does do is to bring into play a legal structure that protects both parties and tells them what the rules are. It also gives men right to his own children without having to go to court to prove paternity and custody rights.

If you do not marry then you have to re-invent the rules yourself and put the necessary legal contracts in place between the two of you to create any kind of stability.

For example you live with him for years and buy a house together. He dies. His children get half of your house. Depending on how it was purchased, deeded, etc.. they might even be able to kick you out and take the house from you.
I know about all the legal safeguards.

I would like marriage for the reasons I already stated.

As an update, I've been so bothered by this the whole day that I had to have another talk with him about it today.

He says he loves me and is not playing around with me. He wants our relationship to evolve eventually to living in the same home, being a family and marriage. I feel better now.
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post #59 of 60 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:01 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

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I know about all the legal safeguards.

I would like marriage for the reasons I already stated.

As an update, I've been so bothered by this the whole day that I had to have another talk with him about it today.

He says he loves me and is not playing around with me. He wants our relationship to evolve eventually to living in the same home, being a family and marriage. I feel better now.
It's three-plus years later... I'd like to know whether this salesman boyfriend followed through on living together and marriage or whether he was simply saying what he knew you wanted to hear. Are you still together? If so--Are you happy? Do you feel like your needs are being met? Do you feel loved without question? Do you feel "that important" to him? If not--what happened? And are you OK?

I'm in a similar situation, although we actually already live together. I went looking for advice and to try to suss out what my "feelings" about getting married really boil down to - and to help myself try to figure out whether the feelings might change or be rationalized, etc. And the original question/statement felt like I could have written it myself, so I followed along the entire thread.

I felt that EleGirl was very much on point, as well as Lifeistooshort, and that if he wasn't truly IN LOVE with you, both were settling and would potentially be unhappy either way. (Been there, done that--don't want the T-shirt!) Not that I believe the outcome of your situation will reflect what may happen with mine, nor that it should be a path I'd follow myself, but I'd very much like to know what happened. I am empathetic to the plight, and I'm concerned about what it all actually means in application to my own situation.

Thanks for your time, if you are able to respond again.
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post #60 of 60 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:14 PM
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Re: Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

Bit on an old Flame-Out Post.

Charcoal between my teeth tipped me off.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

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