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Boyfriend is gun-shy about marriage

9K views 59 replies 10 participants last post by  SunCMars 
#1 ·
Hi All,

Boyfriend of 2 and 1/2 years is gun-shy about marriage because of his divorce. I am divorced also but would like to get married and build a life together. He doesn't think we need a contract, but says that just because he is gun-shy about marriage, it doesn't mean that he will never get married. We both already have children and do not want more children. To me, marriage is more than a contract, it's a feeling of commitment and building a life together as a family, and a promise to be together forever.

I was sad and hurt about his unwillingness to marry me. I feel as though he must not love me enough to do so. I've contemplated leaving him, and he knows that. He says that he loves me and would be heartbroken if I left him.

I've thought about it long and hard, and I figured out that the relationship that I have with my boyfriend is the best relationship I've ever had. We have a good time together almost always, and can talk issues through without arguments. I also figured out that I can't leave him because I love him too much. I've rationalized and thought through the marriage thing and realized that if he agrees to move-in together and buy a house together, and basically act like a family with me then my emotional need would be met. Marriage does not guarantee forever, and neither does buying a house together and living together, but at least my emotional need for a family-feeling and stability is met. There is also protection against having to go through divorce if it doesn't work out, and the financial downsides to divorce. It seems like a way to have one's cake and eat it too.

Even though I can rationalize about not needing marriage, I can't help but feel also that I'm settling for less by staying with him without the promise of marriage. Why can I not get over that feeling? Can someone help me with this?
 
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#2 ·
I don't think I will ever play house again without the commitment.

I believe people treat property better if they own it vs if they are just renting.

I believe sometime the same applies in relationships.

If you are not invested its easier to leave when things get tough.

That's not okay with me.

I might date long term but I'm not going to shack up again.
 
#3 ·
It sounds like marriage would mostly be symbolic for you. Almost any other practical benefit or right can be accomplished by other legal means, with a few exceptions (which may or may not matter depending on your individual circumstances).

We were indifferent to marriage, but it did allow me to obtain health insurance for her. We were concerned that marriage would ruin things for us, as we'd done so very well for so long without it. Fortunately, it did not change anything for us, but it was a risk.

Your choice should reflect what's most important to you. If you insist and he refuses, can you accept the consequences? If things go along as they are, unchanged, is that better or worse than the potential consequences if he refuses?
 
#5 ·
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I feel like I am accepting the way things are and not insisting that we need to get married because I'm afraid to lose him.

I'm afraid to regret losing him. I love him very much.

I just don't know how to cope with the feeling that I'm settling for less than I want and the feeling that he doesn't love me enough.

I guess I can tolerate being sad about not getting married vs. losing him and being sad about that.

It's a hard position. Any advice?
 
#9 ·
Nowhere in all of this have you mentioned the children and what steps you have taken to ensure that blending families will go well.
You have only been together for 2.5 years and you want to live together and get married, you both have kids, the odds of you staying married are very low.

Second marriages have a higher chance of divorce than first, 75% or so. The main reason is the children, blending families is one of the most difficult family/relationship dynamics that people can face. The first thing to do would be to seek professional guidance on how to blend your two families.
 
#10 ·
I think what makes his argument phony is that if it's just a piece of paper then why not get married, if it means that much to you? If it's just a silly contract then what's the problem? The issue is that without said contract he can keep one foot out the door. Not everyone feels this way about marriage and if you were both fine without it I'd say carry on, but you're not happy and you are settling. The whole bit about him being "heartbroken" reeks of a bit of manipulation as well, because if he's equally concerned for you he could tell you point blank that it's not on his horizon and if you need to look elsewhere that's ok, but instead he dangles it so he can continue what works for him with little thought of you. You have two choices: drop it and be happy with what you have, which I don't think you can do, or move on. Three years into my relationship with my hb ( we were both divorced and both had kids like you guys) I told him I wanted to be married and if he didn't i understood and would look elsewhere. I also told him I'd never bring it up again. Soon after that the marriage talk started because he knew if he continued to jerk it around I'd dump him, and I would have. Your bf likes the arrangement you have, but it doesn't mean enough to him to get married. That's his choice, so decide what you can live with.
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#12 ·
He is a salesman so maybe he does know how to frame things to make a convincing argument.

I don't think I can find someone else that I love and get along with as much I do with him. The problem is that I don't want to leave him, but I know that I'm settling.

I feel bad for myself that I have a boyfriend who doesn't want to marry me.
 
#15 ·
The two of you are living together, right?

Whose house do you live in?

Who pays the bills? What percentage do each of you pay?

What % of total income does each of you bring in?

How many children do each of you have and how old are they?

How much time do the children spend at your house?
 
#21 ·
No, we don't live together.

I am thinking of living together as an alternative to marriage, but I haven't brought it up with him. Now, I am questioning whether living together is a good thing. I don't want to feel not good enough to marry. But, then again, given the strength of my finances, I would actually have more to lose than he does if we got married and then divorced. It just shows that he's not a gold digger because if he were, he would really want to marry me.
 
#17 ·
Perhaps a compromise is in order. What if you join yourselves together more officially short of marriage? How about wills, medical power of attorney, at least some joint accounts, and a non-marital cohabitation agreement? These things require serious commitment but don't require the big scary M word.
 
#22 ·
Yes, as a lawyer, I've thought about all this and actually I'm an estate planning lawyer so I know about all this stuff.

Practically, it would actually be better for me financially and more protective of me to NOT get married and just live together. I get him, and I get to keep my assets separate. I get to leave if it doesn't work out and I don't have to go through a financially draining and emotionally draining process to extricate myself from a relationship that is not working.

I just can't get over the idea that he doesn't love me enough, and I hold marriage as an ideal that I want.
 
#19 ·
To settle: resolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem).

Compromise: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

Some things can't be compromised like if one wants kids and the other doesn't, one wants marriage and the other doesn't. This to me is a black/white issue where there is no compromise. One would have to give up the dream aka settle.

Which okay that's fine if she's okay with it. I just said it wouldn't be okay with me that's all.
 
#26 ·
I don't know why I'm unlucky enough to NOT be HER, lol.

He actually broke up with me about 9 months into our relationship. He said that I am everything he wants in a woman, but he is a romantic and thinks that he doesn't love me enough to move forward with our relationship. He said that with our compatible personalities we can date for years but it would be a waste of time in the end.

I was heartbroken but started dating again right away. About a month into our break-up, he begged for me back. He said that during our month apart, all he could think about was me. He tried dating other women, but on dates, he could only think about me, and that other women do not compare to me. He said that he figured out that I am the woman that he wants to be with and he does love me.

I had already started dating other men at the time, and broke it off with the other men just to get back together with him. I've stuck by him through his financial difficulties, and now he's back on his feet financially.

I just don't think I have the strength to break up with him. I hate that I'm settling.
 
#30 ·
Yes, that was about two years ago. We've been so happy since then. We hardly ever disagree and even when we do we talk things out and don't get into loud arguments. We have a lot of fun together and enjoy each other's company. His parents love me and encourage him to marry me. His brother talks about me as though I am family. His friends really like me. My kids like him.
 
#39 ·
My son's father did something very similar to me.

He broke it off so I went my own way. He did this in the 2nd year we dated and then at the 4.5 year mark.

Both times he came back on begged me to get back with him. I gave in.

The second time he did not just ask me to get back with him. He asked me to marry him.

Well I married him. It was a HUGE mistake. After a year of what I thought was a good marriage, he started treating me as I would expect a man to treat a woman who he felt was not THE ONE. It turned into a very bad marriage. He cheated like crazy. I did not realize that he was cheating for a few years... but I did eventually find it out.

Why did he marry me? I think it's because I was the only woman he dated that out earned him. So I was the wife material.. the one who could help him live the lifestyle he wanted to become accustomed to. It turns out that he was a gold digger.
 
#41 ·
I myself have very conflicting thoughts/feelings about remarriage. My biggest issue in not getting married is the same fear as yours.... That thought that maybe it meant he didn't love me enough which may or may not be true especially when you are talking about a second marriage. I think though that when someone truly loves you... You know it, you feel it....it's unmistakable. Does he make you feel that way?

You do seem to be way ahead of him in this relationship. You are thinking about marriage or living together and he hasn't even brought up that idea. I also think his reason for breaking up with you contributes to your doubts about his love....it would make any woman question his reason for being with her.
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#45 ·
I do think he loves me. He initiates spending time with my parents. He incorporates me into his circle of friends and family. He doesn't spend time with me just to have sex. He sometimes doesn't even want sex. We just spend time together taking walks, cooking dinner together, going to see movies, going to his friends' homes for dinners, going to his parents' home for the weekend, and spending time with our respective kids together.

It would be hard to give that up. I'm having a lot of fun with him.
 
#55 ·
I've rationalized and thought through the marriage thing and realized that if he agrees to move-in together and buy a house together, and basically act like a family with me then my emotional need would be met. Marriage does not guarantee forever, and neither does buying a house together and living together, but at least my emotional need for a family-feeling and stability is met. There is also protection against having to go through divorce if it doesn't work out, and the financial downsides to divorce. It seems like a way to have one's cake and eat it too.
No it doesn't, but I wouldn't buy a house or any other large assets with someone unless my interests were legally protected. The Courts do not protect people who aren't married (but you must know this already if you run a law firm) and, unless there was a Cohabitation Agreement in place, I wouldn't even consider it. So, for me, there would be a legally binding contract one way or the other...
 
#57 ·
love238 said:
I've rationalized and thought through the marriage thing and realized that if he agrees to move-in together and buy a house together, and basically act like a family with me then my emotional need would be met. Marriage does not guarantee forever, and neither does buying a house together and living together, but at least my emotional need for a family-feeling and stability is met. There is also protection against having to go through divorce if it doesn't work out, and the financial downsides to divorce. It seems like a way to have one's cake and eat it too.
What marriage does do is to bring into play a legal structure that protects both parties and tells them what the rules are. It also gives men right to his own children without having to go to court to prove paternity and custody rights.

If you do not marry then you have to re-invent the rules yourself and put the necessary legal contracts in place between the two of you to create any kind of stability.

For example you live with him for years and buy a house together. He dies. His children get half of your house. Depending on how it was purchased, deeded, etc.. they might even be able to kick you out and take the house from you.
 
#58 ·
I know about all the legal safeguards.

I would like marriage for the reasons I already stated.

As an update, I've been so bothered by this the whole day that I had to have another talk with him about it today.

He says he loves me and is not playing around with me. He wants our relationship to evolve eventually to living in the same home, being a family and marriage. I feel better now.
 
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