This last weekend was really tough, a weekend that makes me feel like I have failed as a father.
I can't even tell you what the trigger was, but something set Kenji off. He had a horrible meltdown. It triggered a violent reaction. He first went after my youngest son then my wife (Kenji has grown bigger than my wife). He had a look in his eyes as if he was not there. I want to say it was not him and possibly was not, but just lost it. I had to restrain him, hold him down physically. He is strong, but fortunately I was able to restrain him. He continued to kick and grab at me. His fingernails drew blood from me and his kicks put a hole in the hallway wall. My wife and youngest son crying and my oldest son pinned down eventually calming down complaining that I was hurting him.
I sat back after he calmed down and cried. He did not hurt me physically and walls can be patched (I did that yesterday), but somethings can't be healed. I just did not want him to hurt my wife or Ryo or himself. He said "let me go so I can stab myself". I don't know if I could or should have taken it seriously but I didn't want to find out so I kept him pinned down a little longer.
After it was all over and I cried, I sat with Kenji in his room with him. We sat there on the floor exhausted, not saying a word. Finally we started to talk. I apologized and wanted to know if he was ok. He apologized for the blood he drew and wall. I did not care about that, I felt horrible for possibly hurting him. I held him gently (lovingly) for the next 10 minutes, no more words uttered. My youngest took a shower, crying the whole time. That night we all slept in the same bed (even the dog). I felt horrible, I am a bad father, but I did not know what to do.
We don't want to put Kenji on medication, however we are scheduled as a family to seek Family counseling starting this Friday and we will see what our options will be. I hope we are doing the right thing.