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post #121 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 07:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Kenji's journey

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It sounds like you handled the situation very well D. I don't know what else you could have done.
It just made me feel like I was an awful parent. You are right, I may not have had too many other choices, but the feeling of second guessing and the like lurks in my mind even now.

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post #122 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 07:42 PM
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Re: Kenji's journey

What are your wife's thoughts on how you handled it?


FWIW I agree with coffee4me.

I also think you are an amazing father who perhaps doesn't allow himself to recognize that.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #123 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 07:42 PM
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Kenji's journey

Don't second guess yourself it really sounds like you did the only thing you could do. I'm sure it did not feel good to restrain your son but you did it with love and compassion to prevent harm to all.

Last year we had an incident in my family that was extremely traumatic. The end result was my son needed to be restrained from physically harming someone (who intended to harm his sister - perfectly normal reaction).

I thank my lucky stars that my brother is actually still stronger than my son and was able to physically restrain him. He calmed him and diffused a very volatile situation.

I see what you did as a good and loving thing. You kept everyone safe - that makes you the best kind of father.

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. - Auerbach
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post #124 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 07:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Kenji's journey

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What are your wife's thoughts on how you handled it?


FWIW I agree with coffee4me.
She was very worried when it was all going down, but she realized after the event that there were few options for us. I was mainly concerned about him hurting himself more than anything else.
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post #125 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Kenji's journey

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Originally Posted by coffee4me View Post
Don't second guess yourself it really sounds like you did the only thing you could do. I'm sure it did not feel good to restrain your son but you did it with love and compassion to prevent harm to all.

Last year we had an incident in my family that was extremely traumatic. The end result was my son needed to be restrained from physically harming someone (who intended to harm his sister - perfectly normal reaction).

I thank my lucky stars that my brother is actually still stronger than my son and was able to physically restrain him. He calmed him and diffused a very volatile situation.

I see what you did as a good and loving thing. You kept everyone safe - that makes you the best kind of father.
I did do it in love, and I understand what you are saying and thank you. It just did not feel like I was being the best father to my son at the time. It was just the feeling that he could have been hurt.
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post #126 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 07:48 PM
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Re: Kenji's journey

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She was very worried when it was all going down, but she realized after the event that there were few options for us. I was mainly concerned about him hurting himself more than anything else.
And once again, comments of a loving father.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #127 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 08:00 PM
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Re: Kenji's journey

Ikaika:

strength IN love, strength WITH love


IF there *was* another option, you and Keikko would have thought of it by now. You haven't, so there *was* no better option. You protected EVERYONE (including Kenji); sometimes the best choice is just the least 'bad' choice.

Your sons and wife still love you and appreciate how strong you are physically, mentally, emotionally! You're doing WONDERFULLY! You have the respect of everyone here at TAM!

*HUGS* to the drerio family!
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post #128 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 08:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Kenji's journey

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Ikaika:

strength IN love, strength WITH love


IF there *was* another option, you and Keikko would have thought of it by now. You haven't, so there *was* no better option. You protected EVERYONE (including Kenji); sometimes the best choice is just the least 'bad' choice.

Your sons and wife still love you and appreciate how strong you are physically, mentally, emotionally! You're doing WONDERFULLY! You have the respect of everyone here at TAM!

*HUGS* to the drerio family!
Thank you. And, yes I think that best describes the whole incident (bold). I am still emotional about it as I write this... hope, I still have hope and with that the encouragement to do as much as I can to help guide him through this world.
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post #129 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 08:05 PM
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Re: Kenji's journey

Sorry to hear about that Dre but it sounds like you did the right thing. You were able to get him to a calm safe and protect everyone, even himself.

Hugs.
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post #130 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 08:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Kenji's journey

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Sorry to hear about that Dre but it sounds like you did the right thing. You were able to get him to a calm safe and protect everyone, even himself.

Hugs.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.

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post #131 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 09:07 PM
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Re: Kenji's journey

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This last weekend was really tough, a weekend that makes me feel like I have failed as a father.

I can't even tell you what the trigger was, but something set Kenji off. He had a horrible meltdown. It triggered a violent reaction. He first went after my youngest son then my wife (Kenji has grown bigger than my wife). He had a look in his eyes as if he was not there. I want to say it was not him and possibly was not, but just lost it. I had to restrain him, hold him down physically. He is strong, but fortunately I was able to restrain him. He continued to kick and grab at me. His fingernails drew blood from me and his kicks put a hole in the hallway wall. My wife and youngest son crying and my oldest son pinned down eventually calming down complaining that I was hurting him.

I sat back after he calmed down and cried. He did not hurt me physically and walls can be patched (I did that yesterday), but somethings can't be healed. I just did not want him to hurt my wife or Ryo or himself. He said "let me go so I can stab myself". I don't know if I could or should have taken it seriously but I didn't want to find out so I kept him pinned down a little longer.

After it was all over and I cried, I sat with Kenji in his room with him. We sat there on the floor exhausted, not saying a word. Finally we started to talk. I apologized and wanted to know if he was ok. He apologized for the blood he drew and wall. I did not care about that, I felt horrible for possibly hurting him. I held him gently (lovingly) for the next 10 minutes, no more words uttered. My youngest took a shower, crying the whole time. That night we all slept in the same bed (even the dog). I felt horrible, I am a bad father, but I did not know what to do.

We don't want to put Kenji on medication, however we are scheduled as a family to seek Family counseling starting this Friday and we will see what our options will be. I hope we are doing the right thing.
You are NOT a bad father! You are a helluva good man, father and husband! Believe in yourself!

Mana'o'i'o, hilina'i
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post #132 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 09:40 PM
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Re: Kenji's journey

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that night we all slept in the same bed (even the dog).
you're doing great, now if you could just remember that...



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #133 of 241 (permalink) Old 03-31-2014, 10:18 PM
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Re: Kenji's journey

drerio - No one is at fault here. Guilt can be an bottomless hole if you let it consume you. You shouldn't take on blame for yourself when we can see you did what you had to do to stabilize a volatile situation. You're a good father. Keiko is a good mother. You're both doing the best that you can. Ryo is a good brother. Kenji is a good son. Kaia is a good dog. The image of all of you sleeping in the same bed made me smile.

Sometimes medication is what is needed to gain some control over situations. There's no harm or shame in doing a trial run of a med if that's what you and Keiko think is best.
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post #134 of 241 (permalink) Old 04-01-2014, 12:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Kenji's journey

After working out this evening, Kenji came up to me and wanted me to flex my biceps. He felt them and said "dad you are strong". I responded by saying "yes, Kenji, but that is not to hurt you. I exercise and stay in shape for your benefit not anything against you." "Heart disease runs in my family and I want to be around for you and your brother as long as I can and I want to protect you if I had to. It is all for you". He smiled and walked away.
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post #135 of 241 (permalink) Old 04-01-2014, 06:22 AM
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Re: Kenji's journey

You sound like a great dad
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