[missv]

I feel like I want to run far, far away and hide at the same time that I want to have a monstrous primal scream!! My junior in college daughter is from my abusive first marriage. I've been married to my second husband for over 13 years. He has raised her since she was 6. He's a very strong personality, a real A-type. I'm more laid back, don't want to make waves. Daughter lives at home and yes, we've spoiled her quite a bit, but make her "toe the line". And for the most part, she's a really good kid, although I don't put her twisting things around to suit her needs past her.

He always worked 2 jobs so was never home very much until the past 2 years. Then they seemed to be like 2 peas in a pod. I loved it.

Lately, though it seems like they've been butting heads at every turn. He says she's trying to "challenge" him and he's not going to let that happen. She says he's trying to find fault with everything she does, nothing is good enough, he sets her up to fail. She says "he's different when you're not home"--like a dictator, and borderline mean to her. He says "she's different when you're not home"--with an attitude and an answer (excuse) for everything. So I feel stuck in the middle because I can really see both sides.

I know that is probably just like what every other family is going through. But my husband & I are having a lot of problems right now. I've written about this before under infidelity (I think he may be cheating). So I'm really second guessing myself right now. I don't want to not believe him because he is, after all the adult, and I know she could be playing on me. But I don't want to believe solely her because I'm wondering if he's not blowing everything out of proportion because of us. I guess I don't want to let her down if he is being an idiot, but I don't want to let him down if she's playing games. And I think somewhere there's the truth, but right now I don't know where that place is. I'm trying to work on "me" so that no matter what the future holds, I'll be okay, but I feel like no matter what I do, I'll be letting someone down---him, her or me.

All I do know is he's away for the afternoon, she's upstairs and I'd rather be anywhere than here. If it weren't for the puppies, I think I'd really just go away. What scares me even more is that I've been trying to get in touch with old boyfriends and have even considered registering with a dating service. I know it's just an attempt to escape, and I know that's not the answer, but right now I don't seem to care.

Can someone out there help me before I make some stupid mistake?

[turnera]

What you need is to schedule an appointment with a therapist.

[Blanca]

that is a lot to handle. i think the situation with your daughter has a lot to do with the suspected affair by your H. But if your daughter is a junior in college, how many rules can there be for her? Maybe your H is just having a hard time seeing her grow apart from him. It could be that she wants to exert more independence, in which case your H needs to back off. she's an adult now. has she thought about moving out? maybe it'd be good for her to have her own place.

[missv]

Here's what happened last night....I had told my H something D had quoted him as saying when I wasn't around. My gut told me it didn't quite sound like him. When she was asked about it, she backtracked.."I took it to mean...." statement. Come on, she's smarter/older than that. Now I see she's doing the pit mommy & daddy against each other she used to try as a kid. I know--all kids do.

She does have rules. We are strict. She's living at home, we pay ALL her bills--tuition (no loans), car, insurance, medical, gas, etc. Doesn't have a summer job yet, although supposed to start in July. She's pulled a couple of real childish things to buck authority over the past couple of years resulting in adult considerations being removed for awhile. That as long as she lives here, she needs to abide by rules. When she has her own place/pays own bills she can obviously do as she pleases.

I know H is having trouble "letting her go" but he's also afraid that at this point, if she were to go, with some of the decisions she's made so far even though trivial, she'd be back repeatedly. And I think so too. What she takes as trying to control her, we're trying to advise her to get ready toward the future.

As far as the EA, H still maintains he's had no further contact with OA although I know otherwise (phone bills, etc). Granted, I don't know what's being said. He came home yesterday and actually kissed my neck like he used to, is reaching out to touch my arm when he speaks to me, making a lot of eye contact,etc. I've been losing weight steadily (can't be sure if it's because I'm trying to attract him back or am getting ready for the end), making sure I'm well-presented, sort of doing my own thing throughout the day which I can tell is surprising him. No longer scheduling my day around him. Am considerate, but no longer jumping up to cater to his every immediate need. I mean, he used to tell me "you're not my slave, I'll get it" and I wouldn't let him. I felt he worked 2 jobs and barely had time to sleep while although I worked 32 hrs. it was in 2 days so I had 5 off.

I have a gym membership that I use sporadically and think I may start going daily. And let the chips fall where they may. If I meet someone there, I'll figure that out when/if it comes.