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Hmm this is going to be hard to keep this concise. I have an age old problem with my inlaws. Short version is...
My inlaws like to control or manipulate everything in their sons life. They use a lot of guilt to get their way. They have taught him that when children have indepence from their parents (like in my family), the parents dont love the children and visa versa. We just had our first child, a son, who is 10 months old. They have interloped in every way you can imagine even before he was born. My mother in law acts like she is my son's mother. She will bring sippy cup, wet ones, and her own diaper bag to family events although I have a bag packed for him. She jumps and scoops him up if he starts to cry. She got so upset with me around Christmas because he was sick and I was ten minutes late giving him his medicine, she called my mother and told her all kinds of nasty things about me. She even told my mother what horrible job she did raising a mean daughter like me. Anyway I could write a book by now of all the things (the War and Peace size).
I feel like I am going crazy with this family. Most of the time, my husband doesnt back me up in how I feel and he sides with his parents. He usually just tells me "They just care about our son, thats why they act the way they do" Im tired of my husband not having a mind of his own. Im tired of him not knowing how to think for himself. Im tired of him not seeing how wrong they are not giving us the independence and respect we deserve as a family. I really feel like its over because I just cannot find peace in the way things are now and I cant seem to find anyone who will listen.
Sounds like you got yourself a Irish or Italian Mother in law and a Momma's boy with no spine.
I had an Irish mother, but I was raised to be very independent like you, but as I got older (married with kids), my mother would give me the old "irish guilt trip"
-where did I go worng, why don't my children call, come to my house, etc, Where did I fail?
Finally one day on the phone with my mother during one of these speeches, I finally had enough and told her to "Cut the crap mom" I was never in Jail, I paid my own way through college, I never did any drugs, was never in any trouble all my life, Married for X amout of years, have children, a well paying job" How did you go wrong?? As any of your friends, I am sure they think you did a great job raising your children with no father (he died when I was 1 year old)
Well you need to have a sitdown chat with your hubby, and you need to tell him he needs to take charge and he has to stand up to his overbearing mother, HE needs to put her in her place, otherwise you will be viewed as the bad guy.
I think your hubby needs to get a freaking back bone and sand up to his mother. I bet the father is the same way.
If I saw that befor the marriage, that would have been a deal breaker for me. Before I married my wife, I made sure her parents were not controlling and good people....as they say Apples do not fall far from the tree, neither do the nuts.
They sound like fundamentally damaged people. I'm ok with saying that, because my in-laws are extremely damaged.
I will tell you that it took counseling for my wife to work through how screwed up her parents were, and the impact they had on her life.
The first time she stood up to her mother, I was extremely proud of her. Subsequently, we had no contact with them for over a year. Sadly, they eventually called and apologized.
How your in-laws interact with their son, you can only have so much influence upon - particularly if your husband won't take any action.
How they interact with your son, is an entirely different matter. We have the benefit of being nearly 2 hours away from the in-laws, and they don't like to drive. So, proximity has done wonders for keeping the peace. If you are nearby to his parents, I don't have any solid recommendations other than adopting the viewpoint of trying to deal with them as if you are dealing with small children. Accept that they will do and say stupid things, and if they step way over the line - reprimand them. They may make a fuss, but they will think twice before stepping over again.
Wondering how are u! some of the things u have mentioned like your MIL acting like your son's mother sounds like my MIL. I had similar but not as serious problems with my MIL the rest of the in laws were ok. DH will sympathise with me and assure me that he understands what i m going through but did nothing to solve my problems. MIL started invading my privacy too much and I almost went into ppd. Luckily, i found myself again and stood upto her a few months ago. I didnt wait for DH to side me or protect me cos I felt that I m the one affected so I should take action. I told mil she cant just pop into my house as and when she wants, she must call me at least a day in advance and I will only be available on Sundays and wed etc. She was very upset at first that i dont let her see her grand children but eventually she understood that the bottom line is I dont want her in my house telling me what to do. I am not sure if she had complained to DH, nor do I care.
I am guessing that your culture has a major role in what u r going thru? pardon me if I m wrong. Well whatever the reason be, its very right of you to want to have some space and respect. This is 21st century and no one has a right to control anyone in the way u have described. Hope U have found a solution. Do update us if possible!
My parens were the light side of your in-laws to my wife until she put her foot down, told them the way it was going to be and I backed her up 100% including letting them know that our children would be raised our way or we'd just do it on our own. They grumbled a bit but realized later just how good of a job we were doing and they were sending confusing signals to the child by having different sets of rules for them and different ways of caring for them.
i am in the same situation. my husband puts his parents before me and our 3 month old daughter. If my mil/fil and i get into a fight my husband never backs me up no matter what. I dont know what to do!
You ned to let him know that this is a partnership and that you need to have a united front because there will be isues down the road raising your daughter.
i try to tell him often that his parents are ruining our relationship and his response is that i just dont like his parents and thats not true. im so stressed because i love my husband to death but he just doesnt listen to me.
i agree with all of the above you need to talk to your hubby about all what she is doing to you
i fourtunatly dont have this problem with my inlaws they are fab they took me under there wing so to speak after i got maiired as my mum and dad disowned me
have you tried talking to your mother inlaw maybe she dosnt realise she is been so overpowering or the next time she does somthing like take a change bag with her when you have one tell her that she's upsetting you and that therse no need you are very capable of taking care of your son
its worth a try hun
I had the exact same problems as you, my fiance's mother and sister were very overbearing and controlling towards him and he would never back me up on any issue. Needless to say we are now separated as he does still not see the light on any of this, all I can hope is that one day he will have the realization that he needs to change. I moved on, and moved back home to focus on raising our daughter. Now he will have to ultimately decide who's life he wants to live, his life or his mother's, and until that time I will not be waiting around for him!
This thread might be four years old, but it really sounds like my situation. My wife spends almost every day at her parents' place, talks to her mother and brother on the phone for 2-3 hours per day, and discusses parenting issues with her mom much more than she does with me.
There were warning signs long before we got married: I moved here from another province when we got engaged, because she told me she would not leave the city where her family lived. (I was not living in the same city as my folks, but it was the same province, and now we have to to see each other instead of driving.)
What scares me the most is that my wife is extremely controlling and demanding - just like her mother. And it shows with my father-in-law, a very nice man who has just been completely beaten down. Part of the reason my marriage is collapsing now is that I've seen the future, and I'd rather take my chances being alone.
I too have a similar problem, though I'm only engaged at this point. I'm here at TAM to learn from everyone and make sure my marriage is, and stays, successful. My fiancee is sweet and submissive, a real gem of a woman. She was raised outside of the United States, just like that stereotype we see so often about how American women are bitter, angry feminists and how lucky a man is to find a woman who grew up in another country (i.e. and hasn't bought into the values that have created such a dramatic socio-political decline here in America).
Well, anything worthwhile comes with a price. In this case, it's her oppressive family whose constant abuse had something to do with how she turned out the way she did.
To keep this brief, what I've concluded is that the only real way to stop this problem is to cut off all contact with your in-laws. Make them understand that the consequence of intruding on your marriage and your home life is that they won't have any access to your children or your spouse. The problem is that in so doing you must also make your spouse choose between you and them. That requires confrontation and a high-stakes game of chess whereby your spouse makes it clear that, because of your marriage, you come first -- not them.
In my case I've invested heavily in this outcome and made it a prerequisite for marriage. I made sure she understands that if she wants to marry me, I come first. Not her mother, sister, or aunts, all of whom are the primary problem here because her family is a matriarchy par excellence and I am a resolute patriarch-in-training.
I am in the same situation. My wife's inlaws are a very dysfunctional group. I cannot stand them. Unfortunately we live in the same city as them so I have to continue to see them over and over again. They are very controversial, unsupportive, and nosy. The marriage is suffering and I did find the right person but I cant enjoy it any more. I dont know what to do. I think the only way to get out of this situation is to move away from them because I don't want my wife to have to choose between them or me
First, you seem a little sensitive. "My mother in law acts like she is my son's mother. She will bring sippy cup, wet ones, and her own diaper bag to family events although I have a bag packed for him." I don't have a problem with this.
I remember a dinner at my house and my mother-in-law, said get out of my kitchen. I said fine, if she wants to wash the dishes and take care of things, more power to her. If grandma wants to change the baby and give you a break, that should be fine.
You are partially right about husbands, none of us want to get in the middle of these mother/wife fights.
Each says, "I can't believe he lets her (wife/mother) treats me like that. In my time, no man would have treat his mother/wife with such disrespect." I have been very fortunate that with a sometimes dominant mother, my wife has been pleasant and patient, and they now have a very close relationship. You want to have people that get can along with others, and you don't get to choose your parents.
The solutions are several. First, people have different relationships with their inlaws. If you are not particularly close, that's fine. You can consider inlaws before getting married, once you are married, you have to be flexible.
Don't try to be the best friend or worse enemy of tough inlaws. Be cordial and pleasant, don't have massive fights or send gifts to cozy up to them. Keep your husband happy and hopefully he will develop the ability to set reasonable limits. With the dominant woman, once you learn the world doesn't come to an end if she doesn't get her way, you have accomplished a lot.
Sounds like you got yourself a Irish or Italian Mother in law and a Momma's boy with no spine.
I had an Irish mother, but I was raised to be very independent like you, but as I got older (married with kids), my mother would give me the old "irish guilt trip"
-where did I go worng, why don't my children call, come to my house, etc, Where did I fail?
Finally one day on the phone with my mother during one of these speeches, I finally had enough and told her to "Cut the crap mom" I was never in Jail, I paid my own way through college, I never did any drugs, was never in any trouble all my life, Married for X amout of years, have children, a well paying job" How did you go wrong?? As any of your friends, I am sure they think you did a great job raising your children with no father (he died when I was 1 year old)
Well you need to have a sitdown chat with your hubby, and you need to tell him he needs to take charge and he has to stand up to his overbearing mother, HE needs to put her in her place, otherwise you will be viewed as the bad guy.
I think your hubby needs to get a freaking back bone and sand up to his mother. I bet the father is the same way.
If I saw that befor the marriage, that would have been a deal breaker for me. Before I married my wife, I made sure her parents were not controlling and good people....as they say Apples do not fall far from the tree, neither do the nuts.
Hubby needs to step up and be a man
My MIL is very critical and nosy. Her two sons stand up for their wives so she moans about wishing she never had kids. If my husband never stood up for me, I wouldn't stay married to him.
Limit the time that you spend with your mother-in-law. Don't buy into her guilt trips. Like a spoiled child, your MIL needs to know that she will not receive the desired outcome with her ridiculous behavior. Mothers often feel jealous and displaced when their adult children marry. This often results in overstepping boundaries.
She can only ruin your marriage if you allow her to!
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