Motherhood guilt
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The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

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  • 3 Post By SimplyAmorous
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Old 01-01-2014, 05:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
jld
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Default Motherhood guilt

I'm sure we all deal with it. Nothing original here, lol.

I'm supposed to go with dh today to the city where he works. We have a small apartment there where I will be during the day. We will drive back home Fri. night, so I won't be away from the kids long -- maybe 56 hours total.

But I feel so guilty.

I feel like, as a SAHM, my responsibilities are divided between dh and the kids. I feel like it is my life's work to be devoted, first to dh, and then to the kids. The devotion to the kids is more intense when kids are growing, because they need a mother more then. But as they grow, it lessens and there is more time for going back to focusing on dh.

Dh is not needy. He told me he would like me to come with him today, but I certainly do not have to. He said it really is up to me.

I love dh very much, but I know how focused on work he is. I get this idea in my head that we are going to spend lots of time together, talking about things I am interested in.

But I would not be surprised if he ends up having to work later than planned. Sometimes meetings just come up, or there are e-mails in the evening or whatever. I'm afraid I'll end up feeling obligated to give him time to work and I will sit on the couch waiting for him.

He reassures me it will not be this way, that he will be home by 6 or even earlier, and we will spend time together. But I still have to fill all day in a small city in a rural area. It just sounds totally boring to me. He told me I am mostly on the computer during the day anyway (blush! I am addicted here!), and this way I would not have the kids around bothering me.

Gosh, that makes me feel guilty. For the last two weeks, I have spent hours a day reading and writing on here. It has really fulfilled a need for adult interaction that is just harder for me to get in real life.

I think the conflict is between my ideals (devotion to spouse and children) and my reality (I need interests of my own and time to engage in them; I am not just a personal servant to dh and the kids).

I feel so guilty. I feel so selfish. I just can't be perfect, though.

I can't be the only mom here with these feelings. How do you reconcile devotion to your mate, your kids, and the reality that you are a person in your own right and that is just not going to go away no matter how much you think you should honor your spouse and your children?
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Old 01-01-2014, 09:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Motherhood guilt

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
I feel so guilty. I feel so selfish. I just can't be perfect, though.

I can't be the only mom here with these feelings. How do you reconcile devotion to your mate, your kids, and the reality that you are a person in your own right and that is just not going to go away no matter how much you think you should honor your spouse and your children?
We've already established you are primarily a Melancholy jld... you know what this means...you are a sensitive Perfectionist...you want to live up to certain ideals... but you simply can't be ALL THINGS to ALL PEOPLE all of the time...you care about everyone around you.. and this makes you happy to do your part....the devoted wife, the devoted MOM....but you can't be pulled every which way..

You didn't mention the kids crying for you.. or them feeling you are leaving them behind... in this way...they are likely FINE... rest in this .

So ...GO... enjoy this day - this after 6 pm time with your husband... and he is right... during the day- you have the net to keep you company.... it will go like a shot with keyboarding away here....

Now I am not so sure TAM should be filling all of your social needs outside of husband & kids though, you mentioned a new Study/ prayer group you can join this month....sounds good.. to get you out of the house, make a few friends you see in the flesh.

Me personally... here is my way of juggling kids, Life, family... maybe this is born out of being an only child... when I was a kid, I could care less about playing with my parents..B O R I N G .. I wanted MY FRIENDS !! ..... so my Mom used to take me & a friend swimming, spending nights...stuff like that.. we did stuff too...nice memories..

But I seem to have the same sort of attitude....with our 6 kids.. I am more inclined to give them the atmosphere to ENJOY their lives, friends over all the time..Grand central station at our house... some weekends, 4 extra boys might be sleeping over...I take them places , I love seeing their smiling faces... I take many pictures for memories.. I don't feel guilty if I am not hands on with my children all the time (heck even 1/4 of the time).. because I can see they are Happy... it helps they play with one another too...sure they fight .. but it's mostly good.....we talk every day... we have family outings, very enjoyable.. family vacations... We play games with them, watch movies..

I could never home school though, Oh my ! Bless your soul !

For too long I put those babies before my husband....I was unbalanced even..... I remember at one time going out to eat with just HIm...and thinking to myself... "OMG, what do we even talk about if not the kids?".. I should have have my head shaked.. was that not a wake up call !@#$%

So now my attitude is...he comes 1st... they will all fly the nest someday, starting their own lives..... and it will be just me & him again.. I can't allow HIM to be on the back burner...never again.

Back to you....I would take that time with your husband... fill it during the day - with whatever floats your boat...call a friend, plan a family vacation (something I was doing earlier, gathering ideas for this year)...do you need to buy something on Ebay , look up some new recipes ... hang here for awhile ....

But not feel guilty over leaving your kids behind for a couple days.... you need more time with your Man.. if you have someone trustworthy to watch them (this part is HUGE by the way)... then please take no guilt.. Now I could see if one of them was sick right now... they needed you... or something at home was more urgent.. we always have to weigh the pros & cons..

Hope you have a great day !
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Old 01-01-2014, 09:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Motherhood guilt

Hey, thanks a lot, SA. I talked to dh after he woke up, and he thinks I should come with him. He assures me the kids will be fine. Dd18 is going to watch the boys. And the boys just told me now that they will all be fine. LOL.

Yes, I need to get out more. Online life can really hook you in, though. I feel like I have a serious addiction here, and maybe I really need to see it that way. I have learned so much, but there have to be limits.

Thanks again. I appreciate it.
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Old 01-01-2014, 04:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Motherhood guilt

Can't even come close to SA's wonderful response but wanted to remind you that to be all you wish to be, you must fill your own cup on a regular basis.

Long Hot Uninterrupted Bubble Bath...her I come!
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Old 01-01-2014, 04:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Motherhood guilt

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Can't even come close to SA's wonderful response but wanted to remind you that to be all you wish to be, you must fill your own cup on a regular basis.

Long Hot Uninterrupted Bubble Bath...her I come!
..

Yeah... can always put on some music, candles around the tub and flick the lights off too.. for some atmosphere.... I do this every now & then.....I like it best when he is in there with me though.

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Old 01-01-2014, 04:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Motherhood guilt

Lol. I was just thinking about taking a bath . . . after I sweep my floors!
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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Old 01-02-2014, 12:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Motherhood guilt

Your struggle is timeless. I think all mom's have walked this walk. I am sorry I forgot, how old are your beautiful children again? Try to think of this time with your DH as a mini vacation for the both of you. Dh goes to work and you get a very deserved quiet time.

Who watches the kids while the two of you are away? Could the guardians in charge be part of your hesitancy to enjoy yourself? IDK


Also remember that when mom and dad come home rested and happy it makes for an even happier household for the children!!
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Old 01-02-2014, 04:13 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Motherhood guilt

Hi, over20. Our kids are dd18, ds14, ds11, ds8, and ds5. Dd18 would have stayed with them, but we had bad weather, and dh is just working from home today and tomorrow.

You're right, it is the timeless struggle. I just felt like talking to other moms about it yesterday morning.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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