The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
My Ex and I were married for almost 10 years and have 2 wonderful children. We divorced when our son was about 7 and
our daughter 2. My ex met a much younger girl (he was 30 and she was 18), eventually he married her and they are still
together, they now have a son, 11 and a daughter that died at 3 months old. I am in a 3rd relationship. My relationships
dont really have alot to do with why im posting so im not going to go into it but it is important that I give some
background.
Currently our 20 y/o son is living with me and our 15 y/o daughter is living with him, although I would love to have my
daughter live with me again, I have felt she was in the best place possible due to having some learning disabilities and
getting a better education at the schools the children in his area have to go to. We live about 15 miles apart.
We have never had any issues about visitation. If one of us needed to switch weekends, no problem. If I wanted extra
time for an event, no problem, mothers day falls on his weekend or fathers day on my weekend, Etc.....
Our daughter does have a history of telling people what she thinks they want to hear. Mainly I think to keep the
peace but im sure also sometimes to create drama and get extra attention. Typical 15 y/o girl.
Our daughter has a weight issue, some, due to lack of exercise, some due to poor eating habits (they eat very
few fruits & veggies and alot of beef and potatoes). She isnt encouraged to exercise or guided in eating habits or
portion control. I too have a weight issue due to not eating right and I want to try to get her weight under control
so that she doesnt have to face the issue when she is older and its much harder to change habits and loose the weight.
Well before the end of the school year, I told my ex and his wife (on seperate occasions) that I wanted to have our
daughter for the majority of the summer. That I had enrolled us in an exercise class, I have a treadmill, etc. I was
planning on it being like a family get in shape summer at my house. Neither of them ever said it would be a problem
or that we would need to work out any other arrangement other than her being here most of the time.
Summer break comes along and my daughter calls me, her step-mom brought her a list of dates that she could come
to my home, none of these time spans any more than 3 or 4 days. Visitation has always been delt with directly
between my ex and I, so this is like waving a red cape in front of a raging bull.
This is not the only issue my daughter is having with her step-mom, but it is the first issue I have been directly
involved in, and it was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. Most of the time I try to support my
ex's decisions and always tell my kids that no matter how they feel about their step-mom they need to respect her
and her rules. Our son now refuses to even go to their home because of some of the disrespectful and downright
mean things she has done.
It is to the point that when my daughter spends time with me she doesnt want to go home, she cries when she has to
leave. My daughter doesnt cry easily, even when physically hurt.
I tried to have a conversation with my ex one time when I took my daughter home and we both exploded, leaving
my daughter standing there in tears. We both apologized to eachother and to her and then tried to have a reasonable
conversation but nothing was resolved and we are still at square one. I have tried to set a time for the 2 of us,
or us and the kids, to sit down in a neutral place and discuss the issues the kids have with their step-mom
but he always says hes too busy, or he will call me back to set a time, etc.... it never happens.
When my son was old enough to decide who he wanted to live with, it was made clear that he needed to be the one
to bring it up and discuss it with both parents. My daughter now has the same option. If she wants to come
live with me then she needs to be the one to go to her father and discuss it with him. I know its hard for her
but it has to be clear that it is her decision. I dont push her about it, when she is ready she will talk to
her dad.
This is all a control issue on the part of my ex's wife as far as I can see. She doesnt treat my daughter
the way she does her son. I could understand this if my kids had been older when she became part of their
lives but my daughter was under 3..... For my daughter, her step-mom should be just as much a mother as
I am. This is hurting my daughter,not anyone else, just my daughter.
The drama lately. The weekend of my daughters birthday was her weekend with me. There was a birthday party
set for the step-moms nephew who was turning 1. My daughter wanted to come to my house. Step-mom wanted her
to go to the nephews party. When my daughter told her she didnt want to go, step-mom told her she didnt spend
enough time with her (step-moms) family and that she needed to make a choice between her(step-moms) family
and me and my family. WTF is that? When my daughter told her she wanted to come here step-mom let her.
The kids step-mom has always had Myspace and Facebook, and when the kids had them at her home she always
insisted on having their passwords, and would even change them to punish the kids. I allow the kids to make
their own accounts here at my home and as far as im concerned having their passwords is an invasion of
their privacy.... yes even a 15 y/o needs to be secure in having some sense of privacy. BUT I do monitor
their Myspace and Facebooks, and I limit usage.
After my daughter told step-mom she wanted to come here and she got here, she signs on to her facebook
and discovers that step-mom is canceling her party at their home the following weekend. After her (step-moms)
family got on her about it she told them she couldnt "afford" a party. Well that all got straight and the
party was back on. They gave my daughter a pre-pay cell phone for her birthday, told her it had limits and they
would pay the bill. At this point she has had this phone less than a week. I get a call last night from
my daughter asking me to sign into her facebook and change her password, when I asked why it was because
she had asked if she could get on her facebook after she got done with her chores and step-mom told her
the only way she would be allowed to get on was if she gave step-mom her password so she gave it to her
to avoid a confrontation. She had me change her password and I told her that if they got any ideas to
get it from me that I wouldnt give it to them because its one of the passwords I use on my stuff. I got
a call this morning that step-mom must have tried to sign into my daughters facebook and not been able
to because now all of a sudden when my daughter wakes up this morning her cell phone is gone.
Anyone have any insight? Suggestions? Thoughts? I dont know what to do at this point and confronting
step-mom is not an option............ Im too cute to go to jail... lol
You told the story really well and confirms the fact that there are problems in step family situations all the time. Most often, it is the woman in your position - the birth mom/first wife - who causes most of the problems, but it's always someone.
The only thing I regret to have to say is you are telling your side of the story, as only you can. It seems to me if stepmom were so awful to your daughter, then daughter would have spoken up by now to come to live with you. She would have spoken up many years ago, even though she wasn't old enough to have the say. Very simply, children play one side against the other and also try their best to be where there are fewer rules, restrictions, and unhappiness. If her situation was so awful, she would say to you at least that wants to live with you, and she would have been saying it since she was 9, 11, 13 years old. I don't think living with dad and stepmom is as bad as you think it is. Yes, there is nonsense as you described, but there must be fun times too that outweigh the bad times. You are being mama bear, as you should, but I don't think you should concern yourself with what goes on in that household. Look at it this way - stepmom had no right to take the phone. She didn't give it to her to use as punishment. By the same token, it is not your home, you didn't give daughter the phone, and daughter is not harmed either.
Step mom is entitled to rules in her home, whether you agree with them or not. I am inclined to agree with you about the passwords, but what harm does it do your daughter? It is her home and her rules. If daughter dislikes being there so much, she will speak up. In the meanwhile, you have to teach her to make her own decisions and stop making you monkey in the middle. It is common and expected that children *tell* things to garner support and allies. There is no telling what she tells dad and step mom about you and your husband. Hard and hurtful to fathom, but she does. All children do.
Susan I agree with everythig you are saying. We always joke.... "Oh I wonder what they are saying about me now?!" I know how the kids go back and forth.
I guess in my post, that felt like it was getting longer and longer, I should have mentioned that she has been telling me for years that she wanted to come back to live with me but I always did as you said and figured it was just that she felt like being where it might be more fun. ALSO... Not everything about the way she is treated is coming from her. Some of it I hear from MY EX'S FAMILY, and others who have no interest in where my daughter lives.
This is also the woman that when my son was living there, and a full time student, told him he had to get a job within 3 weeks and pay them $75 rent or he had to move out. I HAVE THAT ON PAPER IN HER HANDWRITING! She left it as a note stuck to his bedroom door. This is a kid that has ADHD and struggles in school!
The latest, as of yesterday. My Ex's wife wants to take my daughter to the hair dresser to have her hair done..... cool right? I AM A LICENSED HAIRDRESSER!!!!!!! Plus my daughter doesnt want her hair cut, she wants it long. I understand about my Ex and his wife having their own rules and I generally back them up but when it comes to things that a 15 y/o is capable of making her own decisions on, and she is being forced to comply....... thats where "mamma bear" comes out.....
I guess I also failed to mention that none of this was this bad until last October when my Ex's mother passed away and since then he doesnt seem to even notice what is going on around him.
I guess I need to find a way to get through to my Ex so that he sees what is going on, I just dont know how to go about it anymore without getting mad because he just doesnt seem to care anymore.
I'm a step mom as well as a biological mom. I think you need to tell your ex husband that boundaries need to be defined for what his wife is OK doing and not doing in regards to things the 2 of you need to discuss. It sounds like he has a hard time actually doing this, so if I were you I'd put it in writing. Don't be mean or threatening. Just outline what you are comfortable discussing with the step mom with and what you aren't comfortable discussing with her. Let your ex know that he needs to discuss most of these things with you, and while you understand that sometimes he gets busy, that this is a priority since it has to do with your daughter and he needs to make time for it.
Enforce the boundaries. If stepmom tries to set up something with you that she's not supposed to, kindly let her know that you will discuss the issue with your ex and that her input is best directed towards him.
However, when it comes to things like FB passwords Susan is right. It's not your home and if they want the passwords to those accounts they have the right to ask for them. I'm actually inclined to agree with them, with all of the things that happen with kids on social networking sites I am simply not comfortable allowing my own child or my step son free reign on sites like that. Monitoring them simply isn't enough, there are enough ways to hide things on these sites that things will be missed. I agree with privacy, which is why they have their own rooms with doors. Using the computer is a privilege in our home, not a right, and as such we (the parents) have the right to know what you're doing while on it.
P&C, the most important thing here is teaching your daughter to speak up for herself, as I mentioned, and not place you in the middle. You are taking on her problems that she could and should easily take care of herself. These issues involve her stepmother but if you do not teach her self esteem now, she will become everybody's doormat, especially the men in her life. You have been on these boards long enough to be well aware of the syndrome - how so very often women just sit there and take being abused and terribly mistreated by their husband/boyfriend, and then come here asking what to do. This is your daughter if you do not do something about it. Am I correct to imagine her sitting in the chair getting her hair cut even though she does not want her hair cut? If I am not correct, then there is no issue for you concern yourself.
On the other hand, this could easily be the same kind of problem I described earlier - that she is simply talking about the stepmom for your sake. Imagine another very likely scenario. She and stepmom share a pretty good relationship. Like I mentioned, I don't believe life at dad's house is so terrible. She and stepmom discussed this with excitement, and they decided together she would get her hair cut. It was a girl thing between them. It is common that children are afraid mom will be hurt if they reveal their amicable relationship with the stepmom. So, she presented the situation to you in egregious fashion. I am betting this is what happened. I am betting this happens often.
I disagree that you should talk or write to your husband. You said those exchanges melt into arguments, so it would be best for you to keep your opinions out of their household. A letter would be received with equal or more disgust, as it would be an ambush. What you tell us in essence is your daughter keeps telling you she wants to live with you; she keeps telling you she feels she is being mistreated; she keeps telling you she is unhappy there, but you have done nothing about it. Again, you are teaching her to do nothing - teaching her to sit there and take it.
However, and this is a big however just for the sake of proving/disproving my assertion, I think you should ask stepmom about the haircut. Find a nice and friendly way to get to the bottom of this because if I am correct, then your daughter needs to be called out and corrected. Like I said, children do this all the time, but it is not okay, and it is time she understands the damage and ill feelings she causes. Maybe ask stepmom, 'Hey, how'd you guys finally decide daughter will get her hair cut?" Make it sound like you are onboard and agree with the idea so she is more willing to open up to you. Perhaps you have a better way to approach her, but do it so she's willing to tell you how the matter unfolded. Take me up on my bet and see how children play their birth parents and stepparents all the time.
I would go to court to get more control over where she spends her time.
And take her to counseling so she can learn to stop being a people pleaser and say what she wants.
I couldn't agree more. Leave her in this environment and she is sure to be a spineless jellyfish by the time she is 20. And that is going to cause her much grief in all her relationships. The step-mom is clearly showing everyone just how much she can dominate the situation. There's no point in pleading the case before the ex-husband; he's just going to side with the current wife.
Ask your daughter what she wants and tell her that's what it is going to be. If she wants to live with you, then that's what it shall be. If she wants to live with dad, then that's okay too; but, let her know you can not control what goes on in his house. Or perhaps a 50/50 custody can be arranged. At her age, the courts will allow HER to decide where she stays. I'm just afraid this control factor has already gotten to the point where your daughter can't even make a decision. If that is the case, take her to a competent therapist on one of the days you have her. See what the therapist thinks.
Update. And kind of a reply for Susan.... BTW,TY for your insight, I happen to be one of those blessed people that can sit back and see all sides of an issue! And admit when I may be wrong about something.
I sat down with my daughter this morning and told her point blank that this whole situation is getting out of control. School is getting ready to start and she doesnt need to be bouncing around during the school year so she needs to make a decision. That no matter what her decision was I would back her up. If she wants to stay with dad that is fine with me and she will not hurt my feelings by telling me. I love her no matter what. She called dad and told him they needed to talk because she wants to move here.
My EX and I actually get along very well, always have, there is still alot between us and always will be, not just the kids. I think the main reason we had the melt down we did was because at that point I had all this information coming to me from his family, my sons X-girlfriend, my sons current girlfriend, etc in a matter of 2 or 3 days, and when I asked to talk to him he came at me with attitude, so I lost it, not great but its what happened. He was on his home turf, and getting yelled at so he yelled back. That is the reason why I was trying to get him to meet somewhere, so that we (him & I, or him, the kids, & I) could sit and have a reasonable conversation, which we have always been able to do, without the pressures of their son coming along, or his W, or any other distractions.
We shall see where it goes from here but I do know none of us can continue with the situation as is.
827Aug. Thank you! The domination thing was what I was thinking too. What is sad is that until his mom passed away, my Ex wouldnt allow this kind of stuff to go on. I understand he is grieving for his mom, I am too, I became a part of that family when i was 17, and as far as his family is concerned I will always be part of them, BUT he is allowing his grief to blind him to what is going on around him and I cant allow my kids to be treated poorly because of it.
50/50 custody is what were supposed to have now, with him being the custodial parent of our daughter and me being the custodial parent of our son (moot point now that our son is over 18 and not a student) That is what we have legally. We have always been pretty laid back about the whole thing until the past 10 months.
As for my daughters self-esteem, and her ability to make her own decisions...... I see a very different "child" when she is making decisions about things at my home. She appears to be very outgoing and confident when she is around me. It makes me wonder if, when at dads she is being told things to make her second guess her decisions and thoughts while there. Or maybe shes a very good actress when around me. If thats the case im putting her in acting clesses cause she could make millions!!!!! lol
Please remember that a daughter her age is very dependent on her dad's approval. She is herself around you because she is SAFE around you. She's a pleaser around Dad because she craves his approval. She will become whatever he wants, just to her "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" from him.
This is also the woman that when my son was living there, and a full time student, told him he had to get a job within 3 weeks and pay them $75 rent or he had to move out. I HAVE THAT ON PAPER IN HER HANDWRITING! She left it as a note stuck to his bedroom door. This is a kid that has ADHD and struggles in school!
I suppose this occurred before the ex's mother died. I think the step mom has been a controller all along. It's just that the children are much older now and you are hearing more about it.
The fact your daughter cries when she leaves your place says plenty too. For your daughter's sake, she needs to see a therapist. Then everyone needs to abide by the therapist's recommendations. Your daughter's emotional future is at stake here.
The thing that really surpises me is the lack of father input. It sounds like your daughter takes after her father who allows his wife to set the rules with you instead of doing so himself.
You have to focus on your daughter. Find out what she wants and honor it. How do you know she isn't trying to play you if she never confronts??? (she wont tell you the truth if she wont tell them it.) I would get a counselors help with htis as you need to know what the best thing for her is.
Im sorry this is so long but PLEASE read! 
Re: Im sorry this is so long but PLEASE read! 
