[NY2NCwanda]

Hello Everyone, I'm new here and was hoping to get some feedback and advice on my situation.

I have two grown daughters (21 & 23) from a previous marriage. I had another daughter (9) with my current husband.
The 21 year old daughter has always been difficult. (school issues, behavior issues, lying) She is the one that had the baby and is now a single mother. This of course makes me a young grandmother. My husband and her have always butted heads. There have been brief moments (heavenly moments) where they laugh and get along. I cherish those little nuggets of time. Unfortunetely, most of the time they ignore each other and my husband makes passive agressive comments about all the mistakes she's made in her life. That is hard enough... I've had to deal with that for sometime. Being the mediator, being the middle man, being the peacemaker. Now, my grandbaby has arrived and she is precious to me. I love her and enjoy spending time around her. The problem is that my husband has transferred all the anger/resentment/frustration he feels about my daughter to this innocent 18 month old. Oh, he's not outwardly mean or unkind. He just acts like she doesn't really exist or matter. Which is worse? If I mention, lets take our daughter to the park, he says "great, let's go!", I then follow with, I'd like to take XXX (my granddaughter).. she will have fun. He instantly changes and no longer wants to go. In essence he is saying pick me or her... you can't have both.
The other day he came home from work and the baby was home. She actually stretched out her little arms to him. She wanted him to hold her. I passed her to him, hoping this little moment would melt his heart. He took her in his arms and held her away from his body as if she was contaminated. He did not bring his arms in to hold her close... he held her out at arm's reach. my heart broke. who rejects babies like this? and do I want to spend the rest of my life with them? I quickly took her from him and walked away. When I bring it to his attention he says... well when you want to spend time with her, I won't get in the way. He doesn't understand that I want a whole family unit... I don't want to have to divide my time. If I want to go someplace fun, I don't want to have to choose between going with my youngest daughter and the baby. Why can't we all go. My daughter LOVES her baby niece and she sees this. She just looks at me when he acts like this... I know it hurts her too. Is this what the rest of my life will be like? I don't think I can handle that for the rest of my life.. each time my grandbaby visits, my husband becomes as cold as a freezer.
what do i do? Sorry this is so long, but it has been in my heart for so long. It's been full for some time.

[Advocado]

I don't know what kind of a man your husband is, but if he is generally a reasonable and supportive human being then I think he mustn't realise how his attitude affects you, your grandbaby and your 9 year old daughter.

That said, if you have already taken time to sit him down and calmly explain how you feel, I bet he knows you are right but sometimes men just won't take telling from their wife - call them stubborn. Assuming you have tried to tell him to no effect, is there someone else he respects who sees all this and who he might listen to and reflect. If someone is successful at getting through to him, don't necessarily expect your husband to come to you and admit he was in the wrong - just so long as he changes his attitude, then that's fine.

Maybe his treatment of the baby is not completely bound up with not getting along with baby's mother - could there be jealousy issues such as him feeling you are giving baby too much attention and him feeling resentful. Personally, I think it’s great if you, grandbaby, youngest daughter and hubby can all go out together but make sure you still schedule quality time with just you, hubby and youngest daughter if you are not already doing that, not to mention quality time with just you and husband. Also how are things between you generally – is he maybe resentful about something unconnected with baby or baby's mother; something else going on in the marriage, and getting back at you via the grandbaby coz he knows how much you love your whole family and want harmony.

He needs to realise that he's putting his marriage and relationship with his daughter at risk and if he still doesn't change, then maybe you are right and it is time to have a long hard look at whether you can live this way for the duration as things will likely get worse as the child grows older and indeed start to make the odd mistake as ALL children do.

[major misfit]

I don't understand his attitude at all. I'm trying to think what could possibly be his motivation behind this treatment of this baby..and coming up with nothing except he must be resentful for *some* reason. If he's not willing to examine his behavior, and have a truthful conversation with you, I'm not so sure what you can do about it.

I've been with my SO for 7 years now. I have one child who put us through hell. (long story that had nothing to do with how this child felt about my SO) I have a 10yo as well, and he's been the only father my son has known. He's great with him.

My oldest daughter has my grandson, and I have tried to imagine how I'd act if he behaved this way towards him. It wouldn't be pretty. I tell you this so you'll know I've tried to walk the proverbial mile in your shoes, even if hypothetically.

My advice would be to have serious talks with him. It's going to take more than one. Good luck getting through to him.

[NY2NCwanda]

Thank you both for your advice and the points to consider. I'm going to sit down with him to talk about all this. I appreciate you taking some time to read my post. With summer coming I know this has to be addressed soon. There will be lots to do outside and enjoy. Ill be sure to post an update. T

Originally Posted by major misfit

I don't understand his attitude at all. I'm trying to think what could possibly be his motivation behind this treatment of this baby..and coming up with nothing except he must be resentful for *some* reason. If he's not willing to examine his behavior, and have a truthful conversation with you, I'm not so sure what you can do about it.

I've been with my SO for 7 years now. I have one child who put us through hell. (long story that had nothing to do with how this child felt about my SO) I have a 10yo as well, and he's been the only father my son has known. He's great with him.

My oldest daughter has my grandson, and I have tried to imagine how I'd act if he behaved this way towards him. It wouldn't be pretty. I tell you this so you'll know I've tried to walk the proverbial mile in your shoes, even if hypothetically.

My advice would be to have serious talks with him. It's going to take more than one. Good luck getting through to him.

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