The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
I don't know how to better describe the past 3 years of my life than "hell". I love my husband to death, but I am regretful daily of getting married because of his family.
Since day one they've had problems with me because I am heavily tattooed and grew up a little differently than they did. I admit I'm not the ideal mother or wife you'd see on a commercial or 7th Heaven, but I conduct myself very professionally and have always gone out of my way to be very nice to them. I've always been a little overweight, but not obese or unhealthy and his mother has always made weight comments at me and says things to my husband like "You always like fat girls", and then she got mad at him when I found out she said that. She always would tell me new "tips" to count calories when I did not ask for them. After a while, I said "I am happy with my weight so please do not make comments, it hurts my feelings." This did not stop her. She is very passive aggressive and manipulative. My mother in law and my sister in law tried to put me on the television show "What Not To Wear", MIL has said hurtful things about my family, got upset when my husband called to tell her that we got engaged, got upset that we wanted a traditional wedding, got VERY upset when I got pregnant and when I thought I was miscarrying she was happy, but then upset when it was a false alarm. She had a melt down after she found out my husband didn't want me to sign a prenup and had the rest of the family calling his phone at all hours trying to tell him that he needed to make me sign one. She then told my husband that he's not capable of making his own adult decisions because he has a brain injury (which is barely noticeable and almost completely healed). It's almost like she does things on purpose when she knows that something bothers me. Like, I do not like to be touched and I'm not a huggy person and I kindly told her. Then she started touching me all the time and when I was in labor, pulled a chair right up to the edge of my bed and put her feet up on me. She'd talk about how much she missed my husband's ex girlfriend who cheated on my husband and stole thousands of dollars from him and got arrested for being a prostitute and using crack. She said the name we chose for our son, Noel, was a bad name and made a fit about it for about a month. And when our son was born, it made me literally sick to my stomach to see her hold him. I felt so bad feeling that way. My husband has been very supportive of me and sees how she can be very passive aggressively mean, as she does the same thing to him. Our marriage counselor has tried to mentor us all once, and came to the conclusion that his parents are "toxic" and that they treat us extremely disrespectfully. She has my husband's alcoholic father, who my husband is terrified of from an abusive childhood, call him and yell at him when she doesn't get her way. When she is confronted about being nasty, she cries and says "But I didn't do anything" and pulls major guilt trips.
My husband finally put his foot down after the last time she got upset because my mom was babysitting one night and not her, and she had his dad call him and yell at him. He told them he did not want to speak to them as long as they were disrespectful to us. Then his mother had his 85 year old grandmother call me and leave a voicemail calling me "sick" and said that I was keeping our my husband and our son hostage from them and that I was an awful person. When my husband called her to tell her that it was his idea to not speak to anybody, she said he was lying and that it's all my fault and that I've brainwashed him. I wrote MIL an email saying that I was tired of always being blamed and getting my feelings hurt after 3 years of trying to get along and that I was done. Since then, there's been phone calls here and there to my husband that he does not answer, and emails, basically saying that he's a bad person and that they hope he doesn't have to go through our son abandoning him like my husband did to his family. Then they'll call and leave messages saying that they hope him and our son are ok from being held hostage, etc. They don't even refer to me by my name anymore. Just "your wife".
Now my MIL has started talking to my grandfather and pulling her guilt trips, and now he's mad at me, and then my aunt.
We're close to blocking phone numbers and emails, but I feel so bad for my husband. I feel like if I never came around, this never would have happened and if he just married a "normal" person like they wanted, he'd still have a family. I feel like if I divorce him, he'd be better off. It's caused a great deal of depression on my part, and tension in our household.
I can't let go of the anxiety of next time they'll call, and if the decision me and my husband made is right, and it makes me sick to my stomach and extremely anxious all day.
We have tried everything in the past to work things out with them from therapy to multiple meetings, and nothing works. It seems we have better and closer family out of friends, not relatives.
Are we horrible people for choosing to not let them be a part of our lives?
I cut myself off from my own parents for a lot less than that. These are toxic people. Why you have anything to do with them is beyond belief. Do you want your kids to be exposed to these people?
Cut them off and do it quick and don't look back.
WHY do people put up with this crap from other people? I don't get it...
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
I thought so, too. But everybody says, "It doesn't matter, you just have to put up with it because it's their grandchild."
That's CRAP. If anything you don't WANT your child exposed to these mean spirited, horrid people! Do you want their values to become his?
Just because someone is related by blood or marriage doesn't give them the right to act horrid and cruelly. They have done just that. That disqualified them in my book. They haven't EARNED the right to be with ANYONE.
And why should you be brought down by the likes of them? Why do you have to put up with that?
You don't. I'd change my number and not give them the new one. If they have a problem with anything you say or do then don't answer. If they show up at your door, you tell them they have 5 seconds to leave or the cops will be called. You deal with them like you deal with any scumbag intruder.
Your biggest problem with this are yourselves...because you have been told and probably somewhat believe that they have the RIGHT to act this way and it would be RUDE of you to tell them to get lost. But THEY don't care if they are rude to you! They completely disregard your feelings so why should you care about them? Nothing you do at this point is going to make them like or accept you so you might as well do what you feel is best for yourself and your family.
Your husband is going to have to be 100% with you on this though. If he loves and cares for you then he should be. If he loves and cares for his son he won't want to have him go though the horrid crap that he's been put through.
Evil, toxic parents. I know all about them. The best thing I ever did was walk away from mine and never look back.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
I'm 110% behind you and your H, orangestars. I, too, had issues with my parents, and while we do get along today, I still have to do it from a distance. This is YOUR (you and H) life, and your MIL is, well, I'd get banned from this forum if I wrote it here.
Do NOT, under any circumstances, blame yourself for making your H miserable (that's exactly what your MIL wants you to think!).
It was HER decision to be a, well, again, I'd better not say it.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
In this section, I have started two threads. One was called "Newlywed Needs Opinions" and "Mind Their Own Friggin' Business!" Feel free to check them out, because we have similar issues. MY family is the one trying to break us up.
Good on your husband for standing up for you, like a real man.
First, you should be happy you have a husband who loves you so much that he is willing to leave his family behind.
Second, you should be happy that your husband can see the true picture of his family, he doesn't let his family influence his thinking, it is not easy to find a man like that.
Third, it is his family that had pushed your husband out of their relationship by being rude to you, you are his wife, you are the wife he has chosen, they shouldn't do anything except accepting you as his loving wife and a member of his family.
Fourth, please don't feel guilty for what have happened, be a wonderful wife for your husband, support him, and make your marriage life terrific. Whatever they do is their business. Your life with your husband is more important.
I can't let go of the anxiety of next time they'll call, and if the decision me and my husband made is right, and it makes me sick to my stomach and extremely anxious all day.
We have tried everything in the past to work things out with them from therapy to multiple meetings, and nothing works. It seems we have better and closer family out of friends, not relatives.
Are we horrible people for choosing to not let them be a part of our lives?
Your story is WOW Hard to believe, some Inlaws can be THIS rude. Ya know, once I came across a forum where you can bash the Mother In laws. Alot of pain out there. I looked it up again -found it here, I can assure you -you are not alone in the craziness of this:
I personally feel people who destruct and abuse others "boundaries" -you being "one" with their dear son, not respecting this upon repeated askings, his parents deliberately cutting you up, rubbing his old girlfriend in your face, making fun of your weight, tatoos, etc, you have TRIED, what else is left but to withdraw your presence!? I feel , after all of this, they deserve such "consequences" -maybe THIS will get the point across, as asking for Respect has been treated as a JOKE.
If they are too mindless to realize they had no hand in why their son & his wife has left them in the dust, well they are not worthy to call family.
Stick with your friends, who said Blood is thicker than water. I enjoy my friends over family too !
Trust me, unless it is to get someone out of an abusive R, I have a special place in the cold, dark bowels of my soul for parents who interfere in their grown kid's lives.
Trust me, unless it is to get someone out of an abusive R, I have a special place in the cold, dark bowels of my soul for parents who interfere in their grown kid's lives.
The best thing I've done in the past 10 years is to walk away from my parents and my sister.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
You and your husband must have a good relationship. I say that because it's so sad, and suprising, that for some families when they see people doing well their ugly comes out.
Your in laws probably dislike you because a) they don't understand you and b) you are doing something right!
I know from my own family, when people see you going in a good direction, instead of being happy for you they try to pull you down and ruin it. They get jealous. They want you to be stuck and miserable like they are.
You and your H have GOT to cut these people off. DO NOT feel bad, it's the right thing, and the ONLY thing, you can do.
You've got a good man there, since he's not torn between you and them.
Cut them out. Just because you share the same DNA with someone or are connected to them through marriage... it doesn't mean you have to put up with their insane behavior. Life is too short, and I doubt you want to spent almost all of your adult life having to deal with stress, anxiety and misery from a bunch of people who are old enough to know better.
Set the record straight with your side of the family so that Mommy Dearest doesn't continue to poison them against you and then, if you want to, change whatever numbers you have and only give it out to those who you want to speak with - making it abundantly clear that, under no circumstances, are they to give it out to his side of the family.
I know it may sound extreme, but you owe it to yourself, your husband, your child and your marriage to flip them the middle finger and get on with your lives.
Thank you everybody so much for all of your advice and input and support. I haven't posted since I originally posted this because I've been kind of in a slump because of all of this and unfortunately the stress is causing a lot of tension in our house. My husband's aunt recently contacted him and told him that he died in his car accident (the whole reason he has a brain injury) and that they don't know him anymore. Upon deleting everybody from any kind of phone or email communication, his grandma has sent a one line "I'm sorry" card to him, and his mother is still calling leaving messages saying "When you're ready to come around, we'll be here." Implying that they have nothing to be sorry for and they're just waiting on him. He has no interest in talking to them, but unfortunately just the stress of everything is making us entirely distressed, and distressed with eachother, even though we're on the same side. I know that we should just move on now, but it's hard to just pretend that any of this is not going on and hasn't been going on for 3 years.
I hold a lot of resentment towards my husband because of the past few years even though I know that he is supportive of me and stands up for me now. He didn't always. For the first year and a half he was in agreeance with them about my weight and used to be pretty mean to me, but has realized now that just because your parents are your parents doesn't make them right and he's seeing their ways. He admits to struggling with acceptance and didn't like the fact that his parents thought I was overweight or not up to their standards. He's completely turned around and is a great husband for the most part, but I'm having a hard time getting past it, especially when they somehow still manage to get the last word in to this day. It's hard not to relate him to them especially when he carries some of their bad habits and is having a hard time breaking them. It's hard even looking at him sometimes because he looks so much like his mom and talks like her. I know, it's stupid. I just can't seem to get past it. We sleep in separate bedrooms now and hardly are affectionate at all because we argue about little dumb things since everything blew up with them. I hate the way things are now and am afraid to get too close to him again because I'm afraid things will go back to the way they were somehow. I feel like I should be prepared to leave instead of let my guard down again. I know it sounds silly and stupid. And I know things need to change fast since we have a son together and I don't want to raise him like this. I try to force myself to "be attracted" to my husband again and stop being so anxious. I feel like I have some kind of bully trauma or something. I haven't felt like myself in forever.
I love my husband to death. I just can't seem to relax. I hate that this happened. I hope that there is hope for us very very soon.
In Law hell 
The best thing I ever did was walk away from mine and never look back.
The best thing I've done in the past 10 years is to walk away from my parents and my sister.
