My wife hates my daughter...help!
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Old 04-04-2011, 09:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife hates my daughter...help!

Before I go into this I have to explain the situation with my daughter.
My first wife and I divorced 16 1/2 years ago and she took my daughter and ran away with her. I searched tirelessly for 16 years until I found my child in the care of the Children's Aid Society, where she had been for the past 8 years.
She was the victim of repeated sexual assaults by her mother's boyfriend ( he was convicted and sentenced to 8 months in jail) and was removed from the home and placed in foster care. When asked where I was, her mother refused to divulge the information and my daughter subsequently ended up bouncing from foster home to foster home.
Two years ago I found my daughter and we have been talking on the internet ever since, trying to forge the father-daughter relationship again.
During the time I was searching, I met my current wife, a beautiful Filipina woman, with 2 sons from a previous marriage. We have been together 11 years now and I have raised the boys as my own.
About two months ago, while on a webcam chat with my daughter, I ended up in an argument with my wife and my child heard it all. When one of the boys piped in on his mother's side, my daughter saw it and also joined in to defend her dad.
What was said is not really important, but it ended up with some name calling by my daughter which wasn't appropriate or nice at all, toward my wife.
I let her vent and corrected her the next day, telling her that this was wrong and that she needed to apologize to her step-mom, which she did.
My wife, however, refuses to let it go and is constantly saying how much she now hates my daughter, claiming that my attention to my little girl is putting her and her boys in second place.
My daughter came home 9 a 4,000 mile trip) for March break and spent 9 days here, during which time my wife was civil, but not much more toward her.
As can be imagined, there are emotional issues which my daughter has to work through, and she has a very rebellious streak. This is partly due to never having had a family to learn from and being bounced from home to home throughout her childhood. Still, I am trying to make things work and endeavouring to help her get through these issues.
My wife now says that because I spend so much time dealing with my daughter's issues and in conversations with her CAS worker, that I am obsessed and is making things as difficult as possible for me in regard to this.
She has made it quite clear that she absolutely hates my daughter and has stated unequivocally that "if she comes here I am moving out!"
I have told her that I should not be forced into a position where I have to choose between my daughter and my wife, and that if I was, then I would have to choose my daughter.
This started a whole new tirade, where now, every time I am busy ( work, etc.) and don't do what my wife wants immediately, she comes out with " I know, I'm not your daughter" in a very spiteful tone of voice.
I am at my wits end, as I hear this at least 5 times a day and I don't know what to do.
I know that my daughter needs me and I have an obligation to her, not to mention that I love her and would never turn her away, but I also don't want to lose my family over stupidity either.
I need advice desperately.
What do I do?
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Old 04-04-2011, 11:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

Your wife needs to realize that YOU have taken in HER children, HER flesh and blood, and have raised them as your own. This is something that I feel she is overlooking and not exactly appreciating to the fullest extent. While you were capable of taking in her sons with an open heart, your wife feels threatened by this new female who isn't her flesh and blood, and how is stealing your time away from her.

She needs to get over it. This is your daughter and she will ALWAYS be your daughter. Your wife must understand this and be capable of doing for you what you did for her: taking in your offspring with love, care and understanding.

I feel as though your wife is jealous. She is jealous that you're spending more and more time with this new female instead of time with "her" family. It doesn't matter who or what this new female is, all she knows is that this new girl is causing trouble in her perfect world of "me only" and she wants her out.

Your wife is drawing a line with you, where as you might need to start drawing a line with her instead. This is not stupidity. Your wife is being a selfish little bratt who can't handle anything from your past. Lay it out to her straight. Your daughter is HER family, just like her sons are YOUR family. SHE is separating the marriage by not diving in to help your daughter with you. She is washing her hands of this girl and labeling her "your daughter" instead of "our daughter"

There MAY be some protectiveness going on here where she sees your daughter as a damaged person who is a threat to her own sons, but from what you've explained...I highly doubt thats whats going on at all.

At this point, I would make it clear to her that your daughter will always be your daughter, but your wife can be divorced. Start calling the shots. Things NEED to change, they will not continue like this, and she either needs to hop on bored with you or stay out of the way.
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Old 04-05-2011, 12:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

Hi CharlesPQ,
I'm in the same shoes as your daughter. Just need to tell you this (which i never be able to tell my father, because he will never understand). You can always married and divorced our wife (not that i want you to do this), but you will never be able to end you blood relationship with your daughter. You need to know that your daughter always loved you, and will always be there for you. trust me on this one.

As for your wife, if she really loved you, she should understand that your daughter needs you. But sorry to say this, i think she's a bit selfish, to make you choose between her and your daughter.
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Old 04-05-2011, 01:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

You were absolutely right to correct your daughters behaviour towards your wife, and it was big of her to apologize.

However your wife must understand that good men love and care for their children, that your daughter should all ways feel that you are there for her and she can come to you no matter what happens or what she does, that you love her unconditionally. Of course your daughter is going to have some issues, she has had a terrible childhood, and probably has issues with boundaries and what is appropriate. Now she needs your love and guidance and you should not give up on her.

You also need to stand your ground with your wife and explain that you expect her to be forgiving to your daughter because she is a child. Children say things all the time that they don't mean, and so do adults! All you can do is be firm with her and set boundaries and let her know that she cannot talk to your wife that way and that she is to respect her. But she will not respect your wife if she does not act respectful to your daughter, and fair enough.
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Old 04-05-2011, 03:50 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

I don't know about the other women, but if my husband searched 16 years for a long lost daughter and then finally found her, I would be proud, impressed, and would support him in his endeavor to develop a relationship with his daughter.
Your wife's reaction, as stated before, does seem to be that of jealousy. Is it possible to have a calm discussion about her reaction to this situation? Do you have any idea why she feels threatened by a 16 year old girl? (assuming she is 16 if I read correctly).
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Old 04-05-2011, 04:22 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

Unfortunately my wife seems unable to have a calm discussion about my daughter.
Whenever I bring the topic up and try to repair the situation she gets angry and refuses to discuss it, save to say that she will never accept someone who called her names.
I have tried numerous times to assert that my daughter is still a child, even though she just turned 17, and that, as an adult it is me wife's responsibility to teach forgiveness through example and forgive my little girl. None of these have been to any avail.
My daughter knows all of this ( and has even read these posts) and knows that I will never turn my back on her. Still, she is upset by my wife's refusal to accept her and has come to the conclusion that if my wife can't accept her, then maybe she shouldn't accept her either.
This is tearing me apart, as I love my family....ALL of my family, and don't see why I should be forced to make a choice to give up one family to save another.
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Old 04-05-2011, 04:32 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

What about having your wife read this post? Maybe the written explanation of your feelings and other people's points of view may clear up this situation a bit.
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Old 04-05-2011, 04:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

Arden, i asked her to, and she stopped after the first two lines of the first response so I read them to her.
Her stance was that she "didn't want to hear it' and "doesn't care what someone else says".
I asked about a counsellor but she shot that idea down, saying " I don't need a counsellor...YOU do! YOU'RE the one who's putting his daughter ahead of his family!"
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Old 04-05-2011, 05:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

You are not putting your daughter ahead of the family, you are trying to include her in it, and she should be a part of it. Your wife is trying to divide you all.

Your wife needs to be loved and respected, but everyone is learning here, and everyone makes mistakes, sometimes quite a few.
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Old 04-05-2011, 09:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

Your wife is selfish. Period. A 17 year old child is hardly an adult and is incapable of making rational, adult decisions. However, a woman of your wife's age should know better and you should expect more from her than the reducing herself to a childish tantrum because a teenager called her a name.

If this situation ends up separating you two, remember that it is NOT your daughter's fault, and it is NOT YOUR fault either. It is your wife's fault that, for whatever reason, can't handle a teenage girl of your own blood. I woud be extatic if my husband searched for years for his own child and finally found him/her.

EXPECT your wife to be stronger than a 17 year old girl. EXPECT your wife to support you and your daughter as if she were her own. This is what a commited, supportive spouce would do.

Personally, I'm apalled at your wife. I may even suggest counceling for YOU, not your wife, because you're more deserving of the help, and without your partner by your side, you may need the extra guidence it takes to see this situation through, no matter what the outcome. Your daughter has been hurt and rejected by parental figures her entire life. Don't allow your wife to victimize your daughter as well.

And for you daughter:
Your step mother's reactions are not your fault. She feels threatened by the strong, young, beautiful woman that you are. Take it as a compliment and try to hold your temper even though I know at times it seems impossible. Your father is working this out for the best and he won't abandon you. She isn't a threat to you, you are a threat to her and she'll either need to eventually except you or move out of the way. She KNOWS this, and thats why she's rebelling.
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Old 04-05-2011, 12:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

I suspect this may be partly a cultural issue. All cultures have deep seated prejudices that can't be reasoned with.

That said, if it comes down to it: You need to choose your daughter over your wife. Your daughter has gone through hell and needs security, love and devotion to try to come out the other end a functional adult. But you know that.

You also need to protect your step children. You are a father to them as well, and they need to know that regardless of what happens with your wife, that you love and support them.

This situation sucks. I wish I had advice that was easier.
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Old 04-05-2011, 08:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JazzTango2Step View Post
Your wife is selfish. Period. A 17 year old child is hardly an adult and is incapable of making rational, adult decisions. However, a woman of your wife's age should know better and you should expect more from her than the reducing herself to a childish tantrum because a teenager called her a name.

If this situation ends up separating you two, remember that it is NOT your daughter's fault, and it is NOT YOUR fault either. It is your wife's fault that, for whatever reason, can't handle a teenage girl of your own blood. I woud be extatic if my husband searched for years for his own child and finally found him/her.

EXPECT your wife to be stronger than a 17 year old girl. EXPECT your wife to support you and your daughter as if she were her own. This is what a commited, supportive spouce would do.

Personally, I'm apalled at your wife. I may even suggest counceling for YOU, not your wife, because you're more deserving of the help, and without your partner by your side, you may need the extra guidence it takes to see this situation through, no matter what the outcome. Your daughter has been hurt and rejected by parental figures her entire life. Don't allow your wife to victimize your daughter as well.

And for you daughter:
Your step mother's reactions are not your fault. She feels threatened by the strong, young, beautiful woman that you are. Take it as a compliment and try to hold your temper even though I know at times it seems impossible. Your father is working this out for the best and he won't abandon you. She isn't a threat to you, you are a threat to her and she'll either need to eventually except you or move out of the way. She KNOWS this, and thats why she's rebelling.
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Old 04-05-2011, 08:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

You have raised her two sons, you have been their dad for years. Your wife needs to do the same. Your daughter has been through enough B.S already, she doesn't need this. Your wife needs to grow up. Your daughter needs you. Your wife needs to understand this.
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Old 04-05-2011, 11:19 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

it's a good idea Arden he should let his wife read this post and let her join this forum.
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Old 04-05-2011, 11:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife hates my daughter...help!

I feel for your wife in a sense where a 17 year old daughter has just came into her life and swept her husband away. Women feel that way, they always want to be in charge. I know Charles's personality just by reading his post. You are a super nice guy. Nice guy finish last, you know that right. Nice guy usually gets toss around and taken advantage of. I know that you love your daughter, but I bet if she wanted anything you wouldn't hesitate getting it for her. Even if it means upsetting your wife. You get pushed by your wife and believe it or not by your daughter as well.

Please don't look at a 17 year old as a naive child. They are strong enough to do a lot of things on their own and know what's right and wrong. If she finds someone in a couple of years to get married, you will probably never see her again. So don't blame your wife for being this way, maybe she can see it in her that you don't.
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