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I have been working through my physically abusive childhood with my therapist. She believes that it is the main reason why I choose to remain childfree.
How do the parents on TAM feel about corporal punishment?
In my eyes, a swat on the bum is fine, provided the child is warned beforehand and given a chance to change their behavior.
Jamaican parents often treat their children with the brutality of prison guards. Kicking, punching and strangling is encouraged, as well as use of belts and extension cords. Minor childish mistakes are punished harshly.
I knew this Latino woman who took pride in knocking her kids' heads together and making them shake with fear. *shakes head* How could parents laugh at how badly they hurt their kids?? Seems rather sick to me.
I hate dissecting that aspect of my life...it's very draining and sad. My therapist think it's necessary, though. Talking isn't going to change anything. Posted via Mobile Device
For quite a few years, I easily got frustrated when my students didn't do well. When I was frustrated, I would raise my voice, and my voice can be very pretty scary.
Now I realize it is the teacher's problem. She couldn't control herself and she didn't understand children very well. When you understand that children are not adults, when you understand they can't always meet the standards you set or expected, you become more patient. You just shake your head and teach it again.
Same thing with parents. A lot of parents are young, they don't know much about child's behavior, they don't understand children. They become frustrated that their children don't meet the standards they set. They yell, they shout, they beat, it only shows that the parents don't know self-control ability!
For kids, you tell them clearly what they can do and what they can't do, you set boundaries for them. When they are doing things which you don't approve, a harsh look and a harsh voice are enough.
I know many will disagree with me, but I have studied child development and I have raised one child to almost 18 and one to almost 5. I disagree entirely with fear based punishment for children, I also do not believe in shaming children. I think it's counter productive, and too many parents cross the line between punishment and abuse (no not all). When I see someone strike a child, I often think that they are the ones out of control, and they have let the situation get the better of them. I also think it's easier to strike children then put the effort in required for other discipline.
With my little boy, I have never ever put my hands on him in anger and frustration and I am very proud of that. He is not a perfect child, but he is for the most part very lovable and well behaved.
I am also one who I believe is realistic about my children's behaviour, I know they are not perfect and need to be held accountable when they do something wrong. However I also feel that children are small people, and need to be treated like people and we need to understand that they have complex emotions too, they can have bad days just like us, can be sad, happy, tired, excited etc. we need to understand this when disciplining and not expect more of children then we would ourselves.
I know many will disagree with me, but I have studied child development and I have raised one child to almost 18 and one to almost 5. I disagree entirely with fear based punishment for children, I also do not believe in shaming children. I think it's counter productive, and too many parents cross the line between punishment and abuse (no not all). When I see someone strike a child, I often think that they are the ones out of control, and they have let the situation get the better of them. I also think it's easier to strike children then put the effort in required for other discipline.
With my little boy, I have never ever put my hands on him in anger and frustration and I am very proud of that. He is not a perfect child, but he is for the most part very lovable and well behaved.
I am also one who I believe is realistic about my children's behaviour, I know they are not perfect and need to be held accountable when they do something wrong. However I also feel that children are small people, and need to be treated like people and we need to understand that they have complex emotions too, they can have bad days just like us, can be sad, happy, tired, excited etc. we need to understand this when disciplining and not expect more of children then we would ourselves.
i agree with this.
i do think sometimes you just cant seem to get a childs attention for some reason. i feel at times like this if you just pat them on the rear just enough to get their attention so you know they are listening is plenty enough.
i dont think it should be enough to try and inflict any pain to them at all, strictly an attention getter only. i also feel when they get older that time-outs and restricting their use of things they like also do the trick.
i raised 3 girls (all grown now) with very little of even the attention getting pats though they did get their fair share of things taken away for a short time.
i do not think any type of punishment should include pain at all.
The only time I give my son a swat on the bottom is if he's doing something that endangers himself. Trying to put his finger in a light socket, running into the street, touching the hot stove, etc. When he gets a swat, he knows it's very serious and it gets his attention immediately. All other times, he either gets time-out or toys/privileges removed.
MG our backgrounds are similar my parents were from Barbados and believed in corporal punishment. Child abuse was not in their vocabulary. I too have been in therapy to try and deal with an abusive childhood. There are different theories on how to get over an abusive past, a school of thought is that the details should not be discussed. Rather the emotional pain and how to reprogram the thought to a more adaptive response.
With the guidance of my therapist, I learned to put those memories in a mental file cabinet and locking them away. Sometimes I review them but that is rare now. The theory is that reviewing them and the associated feelings is useless, you can't make any sense of it because it was senseless. However the emotional reactions were real and normal and that is what effects your view of reality. You can google different forms of therapy and see what you think of the various approaches. One size does not fit all I think, dredging up traumatic events seems to injure anew, you can't forget what happened but you can decide to put away the pain with out reliving.it. once is enough.
As far as kids - I never touch my kids in anger, and use no form of corporal punishment. Since I did not know how to parent with out violence, I read and observed parenting of people with well adjusted kids. I have two well adjusted children and they have had the childhood I should have had.
That's a victory and the best defense against evil practices. I also told my parents of the affect that their treatment had on me. I told them when I had my kids that I would not allow contact with them unsupervised because I did not trust them. I could have been less blunt. I forgive them because they did what their culture dictated.
Don't make the decision not to have kids a final one, make it temporary until you feel confident that you have learned what it takes to be a good parent. Hang around people with well adjusted kids who have a parenting style you like. You will gain confidence that you will not do to your children what was done to you. Posted via Mobile Device
I know many will disagree with me, but I have studied child development and I have raised one child to almost 18 and one to almost 5. I disagree entirely with fear based punishment for children, I also do not believe in shaming children. I think it's counter productive, and too many parents cross the line between punishment and abuse (no not all). When I see someone strike a child, I often think that they are the ones out of control, and they have let the situation get the better of them. I also think it's easier to strike children then put the effort in required for other discipline.
With my little boy, I have never ever put my hands on him in anger and frustration and I am very proud of that. He is not a perfect child, but he is for the most part very lovable and well behaved.
I am also one who I believe is realistic about my children's behaviour, I know they are not perfect and need to be held accountable when they do something wrong. However I also feel that children are small people, and need to be treated like people and we need to understand that they have complex emotions too, they can have bad days just like us, can be sad, happy, tired, excited etc. we need to understand this when disciplining and not expect more of children then we would ourselves.
I agree 100%! I was NEVER spanked as a child, and as a result, I feel like I have a closer relationship with my parents.
Hitting your kids teaches them that it's ok to hit when they feel angry. Shaming them creates resentment. I'm also a fan of the idea that the punishment should match the misbehavior and try and FIX whatever they messed up. Getting spanked for hitting a baseball through a neighbor's window is kind of pointless in my opinion; apologizing and working odd jobs to pay for the repair costs fixes the problem AND teaches them a lesson.
I do think it's ok to push/pull/swat a hand away if the kid is doing something that could be harmful, since sometimes those actions can be the fastest/most effective things to stop dangerous behaviors.
Hey Catherine. I agree with not dredging up trauma.
I chose to marry a childfree man, so that children would not be an issue. We have scheduled his vasectomy. There are other reasons unrelated to my childhood.
Swats to get the child's attention is fine. Anything worse than that is not.
Ever got the dutch pot cover on the head, Catherine? LOL West Indian parents are PSYCHO. I find that joking about it helps.
The head knocking mother beat her daughter with a belt, because she caught her little girl masturbating more than once. Children touch themselves-it is natural curiosity about their bodies. Posted via Mobile Device
I have three really nice kids-well-behaved and welcome everywhere they go. I have never touched one of them as a form of discipline. When children are too young to keep themselves safe, you make the environment safe (child-proofing). As they get older, you start loosening up on some restrictions, slowly. Holding firm is the most significant part, b/c they will always, always, always push for more freedom. This can be a 6 year old who wants to cross the street by herself or the teen who thinks he should not have a curfew.
Honeslty, most parents just don't seem to realize that action is necessary. My kids learned very early that I would MOVE to stop them--take away toys they used inappropriately, pick them up and take them to a time out if they were out of control, etc. Kids ignore yelling and threats; they respect action. But action does not mean hitting, ever.
The moment anyone resorts to using size and strength to exert their influence, they have lost respect and gained fear. Fear is only effective as long as you are around. It does not teach a child (or another adult) anything about you and your values; it teaches them to fear you, nothing more. They will make poor choices when on their own.
I am so sorry to hear about these common practices in your childhood(s). May God help you heal.
I used to wish my parents would hit me. At least it would be attention. It's one of the reasons I was so bad as a kid.
Has anyone ever gone to Freudian analysis? It's frickin weird. You sit in a room with an analyst who says NOTHING. Not a word. For the whole 55 minute hour. Now imagine if that was your childhood.
I used to wish my parents would hit me. At least it would be attention. It's one of the reasons I was so bad as a kid.
Has anyone ever gone to Freudian analysis? It's frickin weird. You sit in a room with an analyst who says NOTHING. Not a word. For the whole 55 minute hour. Now imagine if that was your childhood.
Imagine if a father tells the daughter: you are just a burden on me; If not were you, my life would be good now; When you are married, you are like water poured on the ground!
Now this daughter has been giving them money ever since she left home, she is giving them more money than his sons!
A lot of parents are frustrated about their own situation, they themselves are not well adjusted, they take it out on their children. They blame their children.
Being a parent is not just providing food, clothes, and a shelter. You have to provide love and teaching!
Love and encouragement to children is like water and sunshine to plants!
One guy asked me how I discipline my kid, and I was speechless: I had no answer.
I never had to "discipline" my kid-she is very well behaved and no trouble at all. I never hit her (okay, once on the hand when she was little), but I look at how I'm raising her compared to how I was brought up.
My mother would always hit, belittle, ridicule and always, ALWAYS, threaten violence. If I had a nickel for every time she told me: "if you(insert infraction here), your ass has had it!", I'd be rich. Her medium of choice was the belt or the wooden spoon.
Dad would never hit, but shame, ridicule and the guilt trip were his things. So, naturally, I never learned what it was to experience life, I was only made to "fear the consequences".
I resent them to this day for it-and they could never seem to understand why their kids were such "animals".
So, I saw that their methods, to put it mildly, SUCKED, and saw how they raised my little brother (he was spoiled rotten and very hard to handle-again, they just couldn't understand why), and took it as what NOT to do.
And, 11 years of praise, encouragement and not going berserk when she screws up, no hitting or threats of violence or ridicule later, I still have a very well behaved, polite, straight-A student for a daughter.
Hey Catherine. I agree with not dredging up trauma.
I chose to marry a childfree man, so that children would not be an issue. We have scheduled his vasectomy. There are other reasons unrelated to my childhood.
Swats to get the child's attention is fine. Anything worse than that is not.
Ever got the dutch pot cover on the head, Catherine? LOL West Indian parents are PSYCHO. I find that joking about it helps.
The head knocking mother beat her daughter with a belt, because she caught her little girl masturbating more than once. Children touch themselves-it is natural curiosity about their bodies. Posted via Mobile Device
Do you mean the heavy pot used to make stew chicken!! Mercy. My mother beat us for minor infractions that any child would make. Once my sister and drifted away from the window she watched us out of when we played outside.
She beat us both for that - how confusing - an innocent error - any normal parent would come out and find the child and remind to stay in view. Not my mother, she waited and surprised us. Nice huh.
I forgave a long time ago because it released me and made me feel a great deal of compassion and love for my mother. The abuse in her childhood was extreme and she knew no better.
I read your other post about your wedding plans or should i say your mothers plans. She seems jealous of you and wants to live your life. Does she like the spot light on herself?
The fact that so many of your family side with your mother show the depth of the pathology. I feel sorry they are a hostage to such a woman. Avenge yourself by living well and being happy.
Your financial straits are temporary. We had very little money when we married, we were both in school, but we had goals. It took awhile but we are comfortable now.
One thing my parents gave me was the immigrant mentality - never allow defeat, when one door closes, don't beat your hands bloody on it, find the open door. I have a self confidence in my abilities that seems strange given that I was so beaten down in my childhood. I am certain you, like me, have that resiliency too.
Yes, the stew chicken pot. Needed glasses soon after.
My mother was horribly abused as well. She talks about it all the time and says how awful it was to be a child. Poor woman...sometimes I feel so bad for her.
She is very jealous and resentful of me, especially the relationship I have with my dad. He's a sweet, quiet man emasculated by my mother.
The financial situation has improved slightly...we have extra cash to go out on dates or little getaways. We are planning a trip to see my in laws. As a way to thank them for being supportive, we are allowing my mother in law to plan an anniversary dinner for us. His family took our elopement in stride. They sent cards and money...such pleasant surprises.
We have an amazingly solid marriage; dealing with my crazy family has been a necessary evil. We do what we can to keep our special connection. Posted via Mobile Device
I spank my children in certain, limited circumstances. Mainly when nothing else has worked (time out, loss of privileges, natural consequences, etc.), or in a situation where I feel the pain of a spanking is less hurtful than the pain they will get from whatever they're going to do but I know they will remember the spanking. For example, if they were going to touch a hot stove (when they were littler), I might spank because I know a few swats to their bottom will hurt much less than a third degree burn to their hand, and I also know they will remember that I spanked them when they went to touch the stove and therefore will not touch it again.
I do, however, strongly feel that the only appropriate spanking is one done with a hand only: no spoons, belts, wooden paddles, etc. I also do not believe it should leave lasting marks. A red butt immediately after, ok. A red butt an hour later, no. A bruise the next day or a week later, no way. I also feel it should not be done for every little infraction, either. Done that way, not only is it not an appropriate way to punish, but I think eventually the child becomes "numb" to it...they no longer see it as "Mom really wants to get a point across because this is serious so I better learn from it!" and ends up just being as "oh, Mom's gonna beat my ass again...ok, let's get it done."
I also believe it needs to be limited to the butt. No face slaps, punching, pushing, arm yanking, stuff like that.
Is Spanking Okay? 
Do you mean the heavy pot used to make stew chicken!! Mercy. My mother beat us for minor infractions that any child would make. Once my sister and drifted away from the window she watched us out of when we played outside. 
